Reunion in an open adoption

by Lori Lavender Luz on January 22, 2009

in Birth parent,Open Adoption,Reunion in adoption,Tessa

It sounds like an oxymoron. After all, one reason we chose open adoption was to avoid the difficulties in reunion.

We’ve always had an open adoption with Tessa’s birthmom, Crystal. But until recently, we couldn’t say the same about her birthfather, Joe.

(I’m going to call this set of posts a reunion series, even though that’s not quite an accurate term. It implies that there was a prior union between Joe and Tessa, or Joe and us, and there wasn’t. But I’m sure the meaning is understood.)

We are just now looking back on this reunion, which had its seeds planted nearly a year ago. Some of it has been successful, and some of it has been, euphemistically, a learning experience.

Since before Tessa’s birth, Crystal had always told us that Joe was too volatile, too unpredictable to be in her life, much less ours. But seven years can mellow a situation. Crystal and Joe continued to have intermittent contact with each other, and eventually each went on to another relationship.

Last winter, Crystal told us she would no longer be the gatekeeper. If we wanted to judge Joe for ourselves, she would step aside.

We set up a non-identifying email account and gave it to Crystal to give to Joe. For three months, we got to know Joe by email. It seemed safe enough to meet — just us adults. We arranged for our adoption agency to facilitate the first meeting between Joe and his wife, Roger and me, at the agency.

For seven years I’d wondered what this man looked like. What pieces of him would I find familiar? How would he feel about us? Would he see us as the enemy? Would I find it easy to like him, as I did Crystal?

I was not nervous, not excited, but ner-cited as I walked into the room. He and his wife were already there. He stood to shake our hands and I was surprised at his height — over 6 feet tall and built like a football player (which he was at one time).

His manner was very straightforward. He started the meeting by saying that he didn’t expect anything from us and that he was grateful that we’d come and that he just hoped to fill the void in his heart that had been there for so long.

He explained that the birth of his daughter the year before had brought up a lot of pain he’d stuffed down. I was actually relieved to hear this because now Tessa can know that he has always loved her. We handed over some photos of her and he gave us some of him and his baby daughter to show Tessa.

Pretty soon we were chatting about a lot of things — sport team allegiances, common locales, interests, and how we each got from there to here.

The facilitator never needed to say a word.

Ninety minutes later we agreed that the next step would be for him to meet Tessa. But it would have to wait until a break in all the summer action — about two months in the future.

Next up in this series: Mis-step and first contact.

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{ 38 comments… read them below or add one }

Kristin April 7, 2010 at 1:27 am

I am so glad to hear it went smoothly.

Reply

Susan April 7, 2010 at 1:27 am

Wow…you open your hearts to him and and to us….thank you.

Reply

My name is Andy. April 7, 2010 at 1:27 am

Hey Lori! I’m glad that you area sharing this, it must be a good release for you.There are so many similarities between us, and our children, and their beginings. Your relationship with Crystal continues to give me hope that we may one day have that with “K”. and now to hear about Tessa’s father…. that gives me hope to, not just for Liam to one day know his father, but that one day I might know mine too.

Reply

luna April 7, 2010 at 1:27 am

ooh, I love that you are now telling this story. it is so fascinating to learn how this relationship develops (or not). and you always leave us wanting more!

Reply

Kristin April 7, 2010 at 1:27 am

I am so glad to hear it went smoothly.

Reply

Susan April 7, 2010 at 1:27 am

Wow…you open your hearts to him and and to us….thank you.

Reply

My name is Andy. April 7, 2010 at 1:27 am

Hey Lori! I’m glad that you area sharing this, it must be a good release for you.There are so many similarities between us, and our children, and their beginings. Your relationship with Crystal continues to give me hope that we may one day have that with “K”. and now to hear about Tessa’s father…. that gives me hope to, not just for Liam to one day know his father, but that one day I might know mine too.

Reply

luna April 7, 2010 at 1:27 am

ooh, I love that you are now telling this story. it is so fascinating to learn how this relationship develops (or not). and you always leave us wanting more!

Reply

ourboysourlives April 7, 2010 at 1:27 am

I am pretty sure that we will never get to meet Spencer’s birth dad but I welcome the thought that it can happen…I read with anticipation.

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Peeveme April 7, 2010 at 1:27 am

Oh I love your multi-part stories. Riveting! I always learn so much by how you approach uncomfortable situations. Open yet reserved, calm and cautious.

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Anonymous April 7, 2010 at 1:27 am

As usual a wonderfully informative and honest story from you about your growing family through open adoption. Thank you!Saundralabeach

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Melissa April 7, 2010 at 1:27 am

Oh Lori, you and Rob are my heroes and give the rest of us hope! All along I’ve prayed we would be able to have some type of openness with a birth family so the kids still feel grounded and know their roots. Although we may not end up being tight with bmom, we are laying the groundwork for being close with gma, gpa and an uncle that love the kiddos dearly. You know your story has always been my inspiration… and now with Joe it just multiplies. I am thrilled to hear it went so well and can’t wait to read on!!!

Reply

Pamela April 7, 2010 at 1:27 am

I remember you mentioning this last July … eager to hear what comes next!

Reply

Phoebe April 7, 2010 at 1:27 am

I continue to be amazed at your openness. You are much more evolved than I am!

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chicklet April 7, 2010 at 1:27 am

I’m so sorry I didnt know this was going on, but I’m so damn proud of you for opening to him, for the way you handled it, and all that stuff.

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Denise April 7, 2010 at 1:27 am

I’m hooked.

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Baby Smiling In Back Seat April 7, 2010 at 1:27 am

A cliffhanger! I can’t wait.Ner-cited… I like it.

Reply

ourboysourlives April 7, 2010 at 1:27 am

I am pretty sure that we will never get to meet Spencer’s birth dad but I welcome the thought that it can happen…I read with anticipation.

Reply

Peeveme April 7, 2010 at 1:27 am

Oh I love your multi-part stories. Riveting! I always learn so much by how you approach uncomfortable situations. Open yet reserved, calm and cautious.

Reply

Anonymous April 7, 2010 at 1:27 am

As usual a wonderfully informative and honest story from you about your growing family through open adoption. Thank you!Saundralabeach

Reply

Melissa April 7, 2010 at 1:27 am

Oh Lori, you and Rob are my heroes and give the rest of us hope! All along I’ve prayed we would be able to have some type of openness with a birth family so the kids still feel grounded and know their roots. Although we may not end up being tight with bmom, we are laying the groundwork for being close with gma, gpa and an uncle that love the kiddos dearly. You know your story has always been my inspiration… and now with Joe it just multiplies. I am thrilled to hear it went so well and can’t wait to read on!!!

Reply

Pamela April 7, 2010 at 1:27 am

I remember you mentioning this last July … eager to hear what comes next!

Reply

Phoebe April 7, 2010 at 1:27 am

I continue to be amazed at your openness. You are much more evolved than I am!

Reply

chicklet April 7, 2010 at 1:27 am

I’m so sorry I didnt know this was going on, but I’m so damn proud of you for opening to him, for the way you handled it, and all that stuff.

Reply

Denise April 7, 2010 at 1:27 am

I’m hooked.

Reply

Baby Smiling In Back Seat April 7, 2010 at 1:27 am

A cliffhanger! I can’t wait.Ner-cited… I like it.

Reply

Data Recovery April 7, 2010 at 1:27 am

Way to go! My wife and I were blessed with a wonderful birth mother (no birth father involved). Its awesome that you are setting the stage for a process your child will thank you for someday!

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Martha April 7, 2010 at 1:27 am

What an incredible story, “ner-cited”, perfect way to describe it. What an incredible thing for you and Rob to do for Tessa and her biological father.

Reply

Data Recovery April 7, 2010 at 1:27 am

Way to go! My wife and I were blessed with a wonderful birth mother (no birth father involved). Its awesome that you are setting the stage for a process your child will thank you for someday!

Reply

Martha April 7, 2010 at 1:27 am

What an incredible story, “ner-cited”, perfect way to describe it. What an incredible thing for you and Rob to do for Tessa and her biological father.

Reply

FarmWife April 7, 2010 at 1:27 am

I’m with Luna on this. You are great a drawing us in & leaving us desprate for more! I cannot wait to hear how this turns out.

Reply

FarmWife April 7, 2010 at 1:27 am

I’m with Luna on this. You are great a drawing us in & leaving us desprate for more! I cannot wait to hear how this turns out.

Reply

Geohde April 7, 2010 at 1:27 am

Lori,That sounds like a great first start. I’m looking forward to the rest of this series,J

Reply

MrsSpock April 7, 2010 at 1:27 am

We have been coming to the conclusion that my body will only be able to handle so much more, and have been quietly discussing adoption. Reading about your open adoption experiences is making me turn over this idea with a little less trepidation.

Reply

Lollipop Goldstein April 7, 2010 at 1:27 am

I think this is such an important story to tell. Not just to record it for your daughter, but for everyone else who can read it and benefit along the way. Thank you.

Reply

Geohde April 7, 2010 at 1:27 am

Lori,That sounds like a great first start. I’m looking forward to the rest of this series,J

Reply

MrsSpock April 7, 2010 at 1:27 am

We have been coming to the conclusion that my body will only be able to handle so much more, and have been quietly discussing adoption. Reading about your open adoption experiences is making me turn over this idea with a little less trepidation.

Reply

Lollipop Goldstein April 7, 2010 at 1:27 am

I think this is such an important story to tell. Not just to record it for your daughter, but for everyone else who can read it and benefit along the way. Thank you.

Reply

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