Regular readers know that music makes me emote. A lot and often. Good thing I don’t have to pay every time I post a music video.
This week while driving, an old song came on, one I hadn’t heard in maybe a decade or more. This is a song that, at various times, has brought me to soaring heights with teenage giddiness, and to my knees in desperation.
It all depended on Doug.
I wrote about Doug nostalgically here, and hatefully here (via journal image). Doug was my first boyfriend, and the very first time he said to me the long-awaited words “I love you,” it was under the guise of singing this song to me.
(I feel so silly posting this, seeing the very dated video.)
Hearing that song took me back. To the first time a human being not related to me professed love for me. To sneaking kisses near a locker during passing period. To feeling like I’d arrived because a boy wanted to hold my hand in public. To that sweet and angsty anticipation of seeing each other after any absence of more than 20 minutes.
And to the disbelief and anger of yet aNOTHER breakup. To the flopping on my bed and crying for HOURS, knowing that I would NEVER, EVER get over him and love another. To the fear that my life, at 15, was OVER.
But instead of me being the actress in the scene, this week I was the audience. The song evoked in me briefly feelings of euphoria and despair — the same ones the 15 year old experienced.
If I hadn’t been driving, I’d have applauded her ability to feel her emotions so deeply.
But instead I laughed. The show was over and I could encore the actress if I wanted, or leave the theater if I chose.
A perfect moment of reclaiming some power I’d once allowed someone else to take.
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