A moment in open adoption parenting

by Lori Lavender Luz on November 3, 2009

in Adoptee,Adoptive parenting,Birth parent,Open Adoption,Parenting,Tessa

Tessa was distraught, after a Halloween party, for not getting the nod for a sleepover at her aunt’s house. The excitement of the kid-oriented haunted house, the disappointment about the sleepover and a sugar high made for a meltdown.

I got her into the car and she continued to wail about how mean her dad and I are. Roger and Reed were in the other car (long logistical explanation), so Tessa and I had some rare alone car time.

The wailing changed tone as we headed home.

“Why can’t Crystal and Joe be my parents!? I have never even been with both of them at the same time!”

Whoa.

I silenced the GPS lady so I could focus. Here’s a slowdown of my processes during moments like this.

  1. Calm, center, open. Breathe, and be aware of my breathing.
  2. Listen. Let her do most of the talking.
  3. Assess. What is she really saying or asking?
  4. Trade places. What might this look like, feel like, to her?
  5. Abide. Give her space to feel her feelings.
  6. Speak. Equal parts head and heart.

Following are the salient parts from the ensuing conversation, which lasted about a half an hour and culminated while we cuddled in her bed.

“Tell me more,” I said while driving home.

“If they got together, maybe they would LIKE each other. And then…”

“And then…?” (pause) “And then they could be your parents?”

“Yes.” (pause) “But Joe is married, and Crystal has Luke.” (pause) “They will never be married, will they, Mom?”

Now, the best thing I did here was not personalize this and make it about ME. Her words, and the thoughts behind them, had NOTHING to do with her feelings for Roger and me, her attachment to us, her love for us. The best way for me to help her find resolution about having two sets of parents, and about her own road not taken is NOT to pretend that one set of parents doesn’t exist, is NOT to feel bad that I can’t be everything to her, is NOT to “fix” it for her by pointing out all she does have.

It’s by giving her space and support to find her own way.

“No, Sweetheart. They were together many years ago, but they were not a good match. You know, don’t you, that they both love you?”

“Yeah, I know that. But why aren’t they my mom dad?”

“Would you like me to tell you the story again? After we get home we can cuddle and talk.”

“Yes!”

10 minutes later we pulled into the garage. Tessa got on her jammies and brushed her teeth. We climbed into her bed, about an hour past normal bedtime.

“Crystal and Joe were very young. Twenty may not sound like young to you, but it’s a time when some people don’t have a lot of skills in dealing with other people, with being frustrated. You know that class we took together, Taming the Anger Monster? Well, at that time, neither Crystal nor Joe had learned how to tame their anger monsters.

“They broke up because they were hurting each other. With words — you know that words can hurt. And as much as they both loved you, they knew that neither one was able to give you a stable home, a calm home. At that time. You needed a forever family then, though. And that’s what you got. Daddy and I will always be your mom and dad, no matter what.

“The Crystal and Joe you know now are different from who they were then. It’s OK to imagine what life with them would be like. What do you think?”

“Well…I would have an older brother from Crystal. And a younger sister from Joe. I’m not sure if we would live at Crystal’s house or at Joe’s house. And I would probably go to a different school. One I don’t even know. I might not even know Reed. Or Grandma and Grandpa. Or the OTHER Grandma and Grandpa. And all my aunts — I wouldn’t have any aunts! That would be weird.”

“It would be very different, wouldn’t it? You can tell a thousand stories of what your life is not. And only ONE story of what your life IS. This is your life, Tessa. Lots of people around who love you now and forever, including Crystal and Joe, daddy and me. All of Crystal’s family, all of Joe’s family, all of our family.”

“Mama,” she said sleepily, the anxiety and sadness gone for now, “I love you.”

“I love you, too Tessa.”

*****

There probably were wiser words I could have said, and things I shouldn’t have said. I’m putting this out there because in this space I try to share (within the limits I’ve set regarding Tessa’s privacy) as many facets of open adoption parenting as I can. It’s important to know that “open adoption” isn’t just something you do when you exchange photos, send emails, have a visit. It’s something that can come up even when you have other plans.

Image: JewelBasket.com

Please see my response to the reader comments (below) at my follow-up post, Hotel Rwanda and open adoption parenting.

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{ 88 comments… read them below or add one }

jill April 7, 2010 at 5:00 am

Wow, you handled that so wonderfully. I wanted to reach through the computer and give you and Tessa a hug.

It is really amazing and inspiring that you didn’t take what she said personally but instead used it as a jumping off point to discuss things with her.

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areyoukiddingme April 7, 2010 at 5:00 am

I think it takes a really amazing person to do an open adoption. I don’t think I would really be capable of making it not about me in some way.

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IdleMindOfBeth April 7, 2010 at 5:00 am

You – are – AMAZING!

Thank you so much for continuing to share with all of us. You’re not only providing invaluable information about the open adoption process, but about parenting in general.

And I, for one, feel very thankful to have you as a resource, and as a friend.

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Leigh April 7, 2010 at 5:00 am

I think you sounded very wise. I admire how you seem capable of taking a step back in order to gain perspective in emotionally charged situations. That’s incredibly hard to do.

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Amy April 7, 2010 at 5:00 am

Wow, what a great post. You do explain the situation very well. I know that these questions will come up more often as my daughter, Deanna, gets older and understands more. I never really thought about this situation until now–thank you for allowing me to process this situation before it actually (could) happens. I am going to send this link to Deanna’s adoptive parents. I really admire you for realizing that adoption is about what is best for your child, not necessarily what is best for you.

Blessings!

Amy Hutton

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IdleMindOfBeth April 7, 2010 at 5:00 am

You – are – AMAZING!

Thank you so much for continuing to share with all of us. You’re not only providing invaluable information about the open adoption process, but about parenting in general.

And I, for one, feel very thankful to have you as a resource, and as a friend.

Reply

Leigh April 7, 2010 at 5:00 am

I think you sounded very wise. I admire how you seem capable of taking a step back in order to gain perspective in emotionally charged situations. That’s incredibly hard to do.

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Amy April 7, 2010 at 5:00 am

Wow, what a great post. You do explain the situation very well. I know that these questions will come up more often as my daughter, Deanna, gets older and understands more. I never really thought about this situation until now–thank you for allowing me to process this situation before it actually (could) happens. I am going to send this link to Deanna’s adoptive parents. I really admire you for realizing that adoption is about what is best for your child, not necessarily what is best for you.

Blessings!

Amy Hutton

Reply

KLTTX April 7, 2010 at 5:00 am

Thank you, thank you, thank you. I hope when we get questions as my ds gets older, that we can handle them with the same level of maturity that you do.

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loribeth April 7, 2010 at 5:00 am

You’re an amazing person, Lori. : )

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Furrow April 7, 2010 at 5:00 am

This sounds trite by now, by I am constantly amazed at you. I know that you must have put a LOT of work into getting to this place. There are some great lessons here for all parents.

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Kristin April 7, 2010 at 5:00 am

You are truly an amazing woman and mother. It would be so very easy to go into panic mode and make the issue about you. Not many people would have the wisdom to address the real issues.

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Quiet Dreams April 7, 2010 at 5:00 am

The words you used sounded pretty wise to me.

I hope someday I can be the kind of mom you are right now.

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Lynne Marie Wanamaker April 7, 2010 at 5:00 am

What a great job you did. I love this line: “It’s something that can come up even when you have other plans.” I think that’s true of all the hardest and most important parts of parenting!

I learn so much from you about my own parenting journey, even though our stories are very different.

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Jessica April 7, 2010 at 5:00 am

Thanks so much for posting. When we enter into any adoption (open or closed) I think this conversation is the one that haunts adoptive parents. We know it will come up, but not sure when or how or what our response will be. The fact that, even with all your knowledge and experience with open adoption and the relationship you have with Crystal and Joe and your children…the fact that the question still took your breath away is almost comforting. The way you handled it with such calm and grace is inspiring. I only hope that when that moment comes for us, I can remain as calm and understanding as you!

Thanks for posting…it’s a crazy ride, but Tessa is blessed because of it!

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Sandy April 7, 2010 at 5:00 am

I am crying after reading that post. What an amazing mother you are. If only ALL mothers were capable of such understanding and compassion when talking to their daughters, the world would be a better place. Thank you for sharing the ups and downs of open adoption. What a beautiful story. (I hope you are writing a book!)

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Denver Jen April 7, 2010 at 5:00 am

Thank you so much for this post. Now that our adoption is real I often wonder how I will handle these situations. You did so with such grace and thoughtfulness. I hope that I can do the same when the many occasions arise.

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Cathy April 7, 2010 at 5:00 am

Way to handle it. You are such a pro.

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Wordgirl April 7, 2010 at 5:00 am

I learn so much from you Lori. I echo every single sentiment here — you show so much thoughtfulness and compassion — I love learning from you.

I know, for me, it is very difficult to keep open and not make it about me — even though it’s a different circumstance — a blended family — it is still a wonderful model to use in communicating with your children. I want to remember this next time I have an interaction with W.

Thank you — I needed this today.

Love,

Pam

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Flying Monkeys April 7, 2010 at 5:00 am

Wow! What a great post and I’m so impressed with how you let her talk and let it be about her. It would have been almost impossible for me to separate it out and not take it personally.

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Kork April 7, 2010 at 5:00 am

I think that was just the right way to handle it. I’m so impressed with how you took care of the situation, and know that I could not have done it…

I’m glad you share these stories and experiences with us…I wish my sister was in a better place to see what it is you illustrated here, so she can deal with her situation (see my post today if you want for more info)…

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Lollipop Goldstein April 7, 2010 at 5:00 am

Holy shit, you’re an amazing mother. An absolutely amazing mother and by extension, teacher.

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Denver Jen April 7, 2010 at 5:00 am

Thank you so much for this post. Now that our adoption is real I often wonder how I will handle these situations. You did so with such grace and thoughtfulness. I hope that I can do the same when the many occasions arise.

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Meghan April 7, 2010 at 5:00 am

Wow. I hope some day to be as thoughtful a mom as you are

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Cathy April 7, 2010 at 5:00 am

Way to handle it. You are such a pro.

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Liana April 7, 2010 at 5:00 am

This is an excellent post, Lori but I think it illustrates something even bigger than open adoption: the power of effective communication. You did something that most people seem to be unable to do: you stopped, took a moment and then considered, “What’s going on here?” You recognized that it wasn’t about you. And that is key. Too many people spend time reacting as if everything said *is* about them. This can be with children, with partners, family members, friends or co-workers.

If more people took your considered approach to figure out what IS actually going on and not assuming that it is about them, people would actually HEAR each other and be able to either discover what the person needs or to do a better job of eliciting the need from the person. But the tendency to make it about themselves impedes true communication.

Bravo!

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My name is Andy. April 7, 2010 at 5:00 am

You rock!!!!!

Way to go Mama! I wish i had had someone like you to help me through my own adoption fears when I was growing up.

Good job.

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jenn April 7, 2010 at 5:00 am

I am in awe of your poise & calm & wisdom with that conversation!

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carol April 7, 2010 at 5:00 am

that’s some conversation

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luna April 7, 2010 at 5:00 am

wow, lori. at the risk of taking the easy way out, what lolly said.

seriously though, your approach illustrates so much about compassion and patience in parenting in general, let alone insight and empathy in parenting tessa. I love how you describe your steps before engaging. just perfect.

I continue to learn so much from you and only hope I might have an inkling of grace you demonstrate. bravo.

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Heather April 7, 2010 at 5:00 am

Thank you for this post. My story is different but your words will help me just the same. My son doesn’t get to see his dad very much because his dad is an addict. He’s in recovery now but I know that at some point there will come a day when he will ask me why things couldn’t be different.

Remembering not to make it about me and remembering that his wanting his dad in his life will not mean he loves me less will help me then, I’m sure of it.

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jenn April 7, 2010 at 5:00 am

I am in awe of your poise & calm & wisdom with that conversation!

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chicklet April 7, 2010 at 5:00 am

Holy, you are just so much calmer about this than I’d be. I’d have a hard time not telling her to suck it and not be so mean to me. Good for you for being above that and going through your thought process to do so.

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Sunny April 7, 2010 at 5:00 am

That post brought tears to my eyes! (And cheeks, and computer keyboard…) :)

I can’t think of a better way to be there for your daughter — so unselfish and honest.

Thanks for being a model of parenthood, even for those of us not involved with adoption.

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chicklet April 7, 2010 at 5:00 am

Holy, you are just so much calmer about this than I’d be. I’d have a hard time not telling her to suck it and not be so mean to me. Good for you for being above that and going through your thought process to do so.

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kbreints April 7, 2010 at 5:00 am

Wow. I would say that you handled that situation perfect. What an amazing parent you are. She is a very lucky little girl!

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awomanmyage April 7, 2010 at 5:00 am

Thank you for sharing this. This insight into adoptive parenting is invaluable. I love those steps. stop, breathe, listen, empathize, abide, speak. Fantastic.

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m April 7, 2010 at 5:00 am

Yes. What Quiet Dreams said,

I hope someday I can be the kind of mom you are right now.

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Crunchy Green Mom - Suzanne April 7, 2010 at 5:00 am

What a wonderful way to look at her frantic words. You gave her the space, the love, the words and finally the proof that you ARE supposed to be her mommy.. no matter what.

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Baby Smiling In Back Seat April 7, 2010 at 5:00 am

Realizing it’s not about you is so remarkably wise.

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Marc April 7, 2010 at 5:00 am

Brilliant. Thank you so much for sharing this. As usual, your wisdom speaks volumes. Now if I could somehow file this away for later use…

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Sheri April 7, 2010 at 5:00 am

That is a great story…and knowing you, I can see you going through each of the thoughts, emotions, words, etc.

I am amazed at how you handled it, but not surprised…because it is such a reflection of who you are.

Thank you for continuing to share your story. It is an inspiration. YOU are an inspiration!

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Anonymous April 7, 2010 at 5:00 am

I was adopted twice and am currently an IVF vet with no pg. I think that your discussion with your daughter was beautiful, intelligent, open and compassionate. You are a very good mother. She will show you her appreciation so much when she gets older. Good for you for realizing that she wasn’t disparaging you as her parent and for keeping the lines of communication open.

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Dora April 7, 2010 at 5:00 am

Incredible! You are such a wise mom.

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excavator April 7, 2010 at 5:00 am

Great post, Lori.

I wish I could tattoo your process slowdown behind my eyelids.

Way to stay mindful, I’m in awe.

Love you.

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LJ April 7, 2010 at 5:00 am

That was really so brilliant, how you took a beat and allowed Tessa’s curiosity to meander where it needed to before coming back home. I had Mr. Badger read it too, and we’re both tucking this away for when V gets older and asks us similar questions.

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B April 7, 2010 at 5:00 am

Great post again. Thanks for the insight offered by this.

B

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N April 7, 2010 at 5:00 am

Just a lurker who pops in now and then, here from the round-up. I have to say, though, that regardless of what you could have said, it seems from the conversation that what you said was just right for the time. Perfect and comforting, and allowing her to work through her fears and worries.

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Phoebe April 7, 2010 at 5:00 am

Wow, I think I would have flipped out, I hate to say it. I hope you are writing a book on how to deal with situations like these. Truly inspirational.

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Jamie April 7, 2010 at 5:00 am

You are amazing. I can’t imagine how difficult it would be to remember to keep the conversation about her and not make it about you. I know my own heart and I don’t know if I would have been able to keep the focus off myself.

Thank you so much for sharing this story. Even from a non-open adoption standpoint, it reminds me to step back from a difficult situation and take the time to figure out what the ~real~ problem is.

Reply

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