My watershed moment: the breakthrough I needed to become a mom

April 20, 2010

in Excavating, Infertility, Meditation

I’m re-running a post from my archives that I found during my move. If you are in the throes of infertility, this one’s for you.


October, 2000. I am on the therapist’s table. She leads me to a relaxed state of deeper consciousness. She asks me to look at my shoes. I do.

They have buckles, and my story flows forth. I am 14 years old, living with my parents in a place that’s cold with a dirt floor. I have just gotten what Mother calls “the Curse.” It frightens me at first, the blood.

The therapist guides me to the next significant event. Now I am 19, and my parents and the community are gathered at my wedding. The groom is a kind, balding man with spectacles. My parents have chosen him for me. The therapist asks what I think of this arranged marriage: “It’s what we do.”

Another scene. My son is 7. Josiah has piercing blue eyes and brings me joy. He is out with my husband (his father) one day working the fields. A horse is spooked and kicks Josiah in the head.

For 14 years I take care of my once-vibrant, bedridden, now simple son. I blame my husband for this life lost, even though I know it was an accident. We don’t have another child because to me, children = pain. I am called “barren.”

Despite my ministrations, Josiah dies as a young adult.

I live a numb life.

The therapist brings me to my own funeral. It is in a bleak church with no color — only shades of earth. There is nothing remarkable about my passing. It is a relief. The mourners are there because “it’s what we do.”

The therapist alerts me to some beliefs I carry:

  • Life is bleak
  • Children bring pain.
  • There is little room for self-direction. We are carried by the thought, “it’s what we do.”

Once I am aware of these beliefs, we release them. Ethel, the therapist, is an energy worker, and she brings me to a decision point where I can choose to carry or not carry these beliefs with me in my current life.

I get off the table and ask for time to journal. She concludes our session with a huge glass of water to help move the energetic debris we dislodged.

So, was this an actual past life or not? Or was it just another way — like Freudian free-association or Jungian dream interpretations or a Rorschach test — to glimpse the unconscious beliefs I carried and that thwarted my desired to be a mom?

And does it matter?

I felt immediate relief after that session. I was lighter, unshackled, empowered. I can tell you that from that point on, we had smooth sailing.

That week we chose an adoption agency and resolved to complete the HUGE application packet by the first of the year. Right after New Year’s, we turned it in.

Three months later our daughter was born. Because, among other things, I cleared the way.

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{ 21 comments… read them below or add one }

Kristin April 20, 2010 at 8:44 am

Wow, what a poswerful post.  Thanks for sharing it again Lori.


Hannah April 20, 2010 at 9:53 am

I read this not 5 minutes after scheduling my first appointment with a new therapist. I can hope it leads to such a delightful breakthrough.


m April 20, 2010 at 9:53 am

You know I love this one. Thanks for sharing it again.


JJ April 20, 2010 at 10:00 am

Im crying happy tears–for the moments you experienced, and for the emails that you are going to start getting from me as I begin to pursue adding to our family through adoption. I recently “cleared” the way with Mook, and it feels so empowering…

So thankful for you, Lori!


Sheri April 20, 2010 at 11:49 am

That sounds like some powerful work. You really did clear the way. It’s interesting to look back on it now and see how far you’ve come.


Kir April 20, 2010 at 12:28 pm

wow, that was very powerful..a great post, a wonderful reminder to me to clear the way.
Thanks for this today…I loved it.


Lavender Luz April 20, 2010 at 10:11 pm

Thank you, Kristin.


Lavender Luz April 20, 2010 at 10:12 pm

I hope so, too. Let me know…


Lavender Luz April 20, 2010 at 10:12 pm

I was thinking of you as I queued this one up :)


Lavender Luz April 20, 2010 at 10:13 pm

That makes me smile, too!


Martha @ Sense of Humor is Essential April 22, 2010 at 9:28 am

Wow, that is beautiful, thank you. It’s amazing how airing out our little ol’ pysche can really impact our present and future.


Mel April 22, 2010 at 2:29 pm

This is gorgeous.  And it sort of doesn’t matter whether or not it was a true past life.  It cleared the way for the current one.


mrs spock April 22, 2010 at 2:34 pm

Sounds like an interesting- but effective- route to take to healing.


Michelle April 23, 2010 at 7:15 am

This is amazing and wonderful.  Thank you so much for sharing.  It really makes you think. 


Quiet Dreams April 23, 2010 at 9:06 am

I remember this post.  It really speaks to a lot of what I’ve been working on lately (letting go of ingrained beliefs).  Beautiful.


Audrey April 26, 2010 at 2:33 pm

Stumbled here. I was holding tension throughout my body as I read this post and then I got to the end, thought simply “wow” and released. I am taking something very helpful away from this. Thanks.


Lavender Luz April 26, 2010 at 3:08 pm

I’m glad, Audrey. Thanks for letting me know. :)


Jamie April 30, 2010 at 10:41 am

Wow – how amazing.  And so very poignant.


Phoebe May 1, 2010 at 3:11 pm

Very fascinating. I think that there are things we don’t understand that affect our current lives, things from our other lives that sometimes, we continue to play out into the present. It’s all very mysterious to me. I wish I knew how to deal with the issues from my past lives.


Erica June 12, 2010 at 8:48 pm

What an amazing post. So glad you shared it again.


Jem July 19, 2010 at 10:19 am

What a magical story. Allegory and imagery is so important in our lives, as it links us to the universal and helps us make sense of our world and our own experience in it.

Thanks for sharing this experience.


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