Category Archives: Book Club

Measure of Love: Book club post about Melissa Ford’s latest novel

Soooo, some of us are sitting around in a virtual coffee shop, talking about a book we signed up to read. Some have read the book, some are be in the process of reading it, and some are going “D’oh! I knew I was supposed to have something ready today!” Others are sitting within earshot of us, not participants in the book club but intrigued by what they’re hearing, and are saying to themselves, “Hmmm….sounds like a book I’d like to read.”

Measure of Love by Melissa FordThe first selection in this GRAB(ook) Club (Gonna Read Anyway Book) is Melissa Ford’s Measure of Love, the second in a three story arc (preceded by Life From Scratch and followed next year by Apart at the Seams.)

Each of us on the tour is posting one question, and the others will answer in the asker’s comment section.  My question happens to be one that you don’t have to have read the book to answer, so don’t click away just yet. I’d love for you to chime in below.

Can you remember a time when you’ve struggled with loyalty? When you’ve found it hard to be loyal to two people at odds with each other or when you’ve found your loyalty to a person to be at odds with what you yourself think or feel?

As Rachel remembers Arianna’s loyal-but-blah boyfriend Ben from college (Chapter 11), she recalls how she supported Arianna in breaking dates with him, how she rolled her eyes about him, how she steered Arianna away from stable and caring Ben in lieu of the edgier Pete. Now that Rachel’s brother Ethan is the caring and stable boyfriend in Arianna’s life, she reconsiders the value of loyalty. Rachel must figure out how to offer her loyalty to both her best friend and to her brother when loyalty to one appears to be at odds with loyalty to the other.

Have you ever found yourself in a bind when it comes to loyalty?

After you answer my question, please click over to read the rest of the book club questions for Measure of Love.  You can get your own copy of Measure of Love by Melissa Ford at bookstores including Amazon.

What I Learned About Openness in Adoption By Writing a Book on Open Adoption

Happy blogoversary to me! Six years ago today I popped my blogging cherry with a short post about my intent to join the Barren Bi+ches Book Brigade. We were soon to discuss Peggy Orenstein’s fabulous Waiting for Daisy, and that book tour turned out to be my entrée into the ALI (Adoption/natal Loss/Infertility) community.

popping a cherryI’ve been the participant and the host on numerous occasions, but on this day of note, I get to be the book club’s author answering reader questions. How perfectly aligned is that?

A few days ago, Mel led a virtual book tour for my book, The Open-Hearted Way to Open Adoption: Helping Your Child Grow Up Whole. Fourteen bloggers signed on to share their take on the book and answer each others’ questions about it. They also posed two questions to me, which you’ll find here.

Did you learn anything new about open adoption through writing this book? Did anything surprise you? If so, what?

I did. And that’s because, as Heather put it, “this is the adoption book the Internet wrote.” I learned a lot by asking others in the adoption constellation about their experience with adoption. I learned from adoptees how it feels to be asked who your “real” parents are, and not to be able to get your own original birth certificate like others can. I learned alternatives to the dreaded family tree assignment in school. I learned from first mothers what has and hasn’t worked in their moving forward through grief. I learned from other adoptive parents cases for and against pre-birth matching, paying pre-birth expenses, and formalized adoption agreements.

Though it was unfunny at the time, I can now say that it was funny-peculiar that Crystal and I got a chance to practice what we preach. While writing Chapter 4 about establishing boundaries, a situation arose that Crystal and I had to work through. I was quite frustrated at first, mostly at myself, until I realized the incident was a chance for me to figure out something firsthand so that I could then teach what I knew, not just a theoretical concept. Crystal and I have had mostly smooth sailing over the years, and with our cruise control on I had gotten complacent. The situation required me to go off auto-pilot and figure out what was really bothering me by going deep within: breathe, be mindful, dig, gain clarity. Then zoom back out with clear communication with Crystal and a commitment to our relationship — and to Tessa.

It’s clear, in hindsight, that this uncomfortable episode was actually an amazing gift.

The additions from Crystal are a lovely and really informative piece of the book. I’m curious as to how this collaboration took shape. Did you develop the framework of the book together? Did you have an idea of where you thought Crystal’s voice would be most helpful and just ask her for that specific input? Or Did you work to find or create spaces for things she wanted to add to the conversation?

Crystal and I have talked for years about how we might help others develop the kind of relationship we stumbled into with each other. First we had to take a look at what we did and didn’t do and what has made our efforts a openness successful. For years we have taught classes in the Denver area (hi, Denver Laura!) to share not only that such a relationship doesn’t have to be contentious, but that it can also be enjoyable. More than anything we say in these sessions, people seem to get a lot just out of seeing a template for how an open adoption can look.

The framework of the book is mine. Crystal and I had extensive interviews about her thoughts and emotions at various points of our journey, as well as her own deconstruction of how we got to where we are. For a book that is largely about how adoptive parents and birth parents can be on the same “side,” rather than the traditional concept of competition between the two sides, it seemed important for us to work together on this book.

As for which came first, her words or a space for her words, I believe it was mostly the former. We had a few jam sessions in which we put as much on the table as we had in us. I took notes and the book began to take shape. Sometimes the book fit around her words and sometimes her words fit into the book.

I suppose in that sense, the way the book took its form is much the same way Crystal and I have taken our form.

I am deeply grateful to Mel, KathyApril, Luna, Jessica, Geo-Chick, BabySmiling, m, Esperanza, Leah Jane, AnneAndy, Liz, and Alicia for devoting precious time to reading my book, sharing their thoughts, and participating in discussions with each other about it. This has been an amazing experience for me and I thank you.

Image courtesy of ping phuket / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Q&A: Quest to raise awareness about adoptee rights

Her memoir’s subtitle is An Adoptee’s Quest for her Origins, but in talking with Anne Bauer, I know that the another reason she wrote The Sound of Hope was to “get people to realize how damaging it is to make adoptees feel guilty when they want to know about their origins,” as she said to me in an email.

We have wrapped up the book tour, but we are fortunate to have Anne answering the questions that members of the book club posed to her.

Sound of Hope adoptee memoirAre you still an active champion for the rights of adopted persons, specifically original birth certificates and open records?

Yes! I keep in contact with NJCARE (NJ Coalition for Adoption Reform & Education) which is a grass roots organization that supports honesty in adoption through educational outreach and legislative advocacy. This group keeps many adopted individuals and first-mothers informed about upcoming bills and involve us in letter writing campaigns in support of the bills trying to be passed. The latest bill is the Adoptee Birthright Bill which would allow adult adoptees access to their original birth certificates. This bill was finally passed in NJ last year but Governor Christie (who coincidentally has an adopted sister) conditionally vetoed the Adoptees’ Birthright bill. Right now this bill is in limbo in NJ while thousands of adult adopted individuals wait patiently to obtain their own information.

In 2009, I appeared on a television talk show called “RealTalk.” There was a panel of four people including me, representing the adoptees, a birth mother, a social worker and a lawyer who was advocating keeping records sealed. It was an interesting experience and it felt good to voice my opinion. However, these opportunities to appear on network television are few because the general public doesn’t seem to demand attention to the plight of adult adopted people. This could be the result of many people assuming that all adopted adults can access their own information. Education about the need for adoption reform needs to be publicized to those not within the adoption mosaic. There are too many false assumptions and prejudices still circulating which need to be addressed in order to have legislators approve new laws.

You wrote The Sound of Hope in 2008. You share in your memoir, “The day I realized I has two mothers I was cut in half.” and “The bruises and scratches weren’t visible. They resided inside the heart. These injuries hurt the most and take the longest to heal.” How has your healing journey progressed since the writing your story?

Writing this memoir has been such a tremendous healing experience. So many memories and feelings were brought to the surface as I wrote each chapter of my life. I never realized how much stuff I actually went through at such an early age and saw that I had pushed a lot of my feelings down deep inside. Bringing up these memories actually forced me to face these issues head on. As I recollected my childhood, scenes were brought back to the forefront of my mind and I spent time analyzing possible intentions on the parts of everyone involved. I tried to get into my family member’s shoes and did my best to see the situation from their perspective.

This process was extremely healing because I came to understand that everyone in my family truly loved me. Although they disregarded my feelings over and over, I feel the reason for this was them being so absorbed in their own unresolved problems such as the hidden grief from infertility, stresses of working full-time and having to deal with an alcoholic in the family. When it came to dealing with the fact that they had adopted children, they had no ongoing counseling available to them at the time and they truly didn’t know that it was in the best interest of the child to talk about adoption in a positive light.

Since writing this memoir, I no longer get teary-eyed when I think about how lonely I felt when nobody supported me with my search or the highly emotional day when I first met my first-mother. These two experiences were the hardest for me to face at the time. I find myself now looking back on those memories –even the one about whom I could invite to my own wedding — with a smile on my face, and now consider these past experiences valuable lessons in life for all parties involved.

Do you find that your experience of being an adopted person has impacted your parenting? I think of the passage where you share, “The difficulties lie on the inside, deep beneath the outer layers-where the heart and soul reside.”

I definitely think my experience as an adopted individual has greatly impacted my parenting style. I have made it a point to be completely open and honest in regards to all family matters with my children. I keep the information at the level of their age and their ability to understand the issue, and I make it a point to never gloss over any problems that may be happening within the family. Because they are always in the loop, I never have to worry that they may overhear something that they shouldn’t know about because we do not keep secrets.

I also am an avid genealogist and have involved my children with the research. Documenting the family lines fosters a sense of belonging, and finally being able to obtain my original family history has been a project of ours for the past decade. This is one of the reasons why I am so adamant about obtaining my original birth certificate. There is no accessible paper trail linking me to my biological family, and if a future relative of mine decides to trace the genealogy, they would believe that I was in fact born to my adoptive parents. My future generations should also know their true heritage and be able to accurately trace their own lineage as well.

How did your family members respond to your book, and how supportive were they of you writing it? This must be a peril of writing a memoir: how do you be true to your observations of a person but also aware of their reactions to your observations? It’s an interesting boundary to define.

Everybody in my family knew I was writing and publishing my memoir because I was required to have everyone sign a release form so I could tell their part in my story. Sadly, nobody has mentioned the memoir to me since except my first-mother and my adoptive father. My Dad was not surprised about how he was portrayed and has since apologized profusely to me and my brothers for his treatment of us over the years. I know without a doubt that he never intended to hurt any of us. He has his own demons from his childhood to deal with and these unresolved issues come out in bursts of rage in his daily life. My first-mother told me she was sorry that she never tried to find me sooner and offered that she was willing to go to counseling or whatever it was that I needed in order to heal from the experience. Writing this memoir was healing and since then I have felt whole and complete.

My mother died three years before I published the memoir and I honestly do not think she would have been happy about me broadcasting to the world about family problems. I’m sure my cousin Maggie has read it but no comments have been made. As for Sara, I cannot say whether she has read the memoir. My first-mother has a copy and I am sure she offered it to Sara but there has been no mention about it. As for my brothers, I do not know if they read my memoir. I told them both about it and gave them the information when it was released but neither has acknowledged the subject nor wanted to talk about it since signing the release form. They know it’s there and someday maybe they will be ready to read it.

~~~~~

That’s a wrap for the book discussion of Anne Bauer’s The Sound of Hope: An Adoptee’s Quest for Her Origins. Should you wish to know more about adoptee rights, being raised in a closed adoption, or any of the other topics mentioned here, read Anne’s book.