Category Archives: Books

Adoption Reunion in the Social Media Age: Anthology and Giveaway

See that gap on your bookshelf, those empty kilobytes on your eReader? They are ready to be occupied by this new anthology of adoption reunion stories that just came out, edited by Laura Dennis (whom you’ve met on this blog before).

Available now in eBook (less than $6) and paperback, Adoption Reunion in the Social Media Age: An Anthology is a must-read for anyone involved in adoption, especially adoptive and adopting parents who wish to hear from possible grown versions of their children who have traveled an adoptee’s path.

More than 20 voices are featured, neither in harmony nor unison nor discord. The experiences they share are varied, the viewpoints unique. You’ll hear about adoption reunion from not only adoptees but also from first parents and even adoptive parents (I contributed Chapter 6, “We Didn’t Want Reunion So We Chose Openness Instead”). Other voices include social workers, therapists, activists, a novelist, a DNA testing adviser and a minister.

Speaking of that minister, her name is Deanna Doss Shrodes, and I have the pleasure to interview her about her chapter, “When a Reunion Isn’t a True Reunion.” Deanna writes regularly at Adoptee Restoration, and you can read an excerpt from her chapter by clicking there. But you’ll have to get the book to read her transformative Casket Chat!

Below are Q&A between Deanna and me. And below all that is information on a giveaway of this book. You can also read Deanna’s interview with me.

You were able to reunite with your mother and sister and brother, and you are in the midst of a search for your father, with a very hot lead. To what degree do these points in a series of reconnections have in giving you back your pieces, in healing the wounds you have as a result of having been adopted?

Pastor Deanna Doss ShrodesFor me, these connections are huge. The knowledge, without the “reconnection” or relationship is tremendously helpful in itself.

As far as the search for my father, the lead we currently have is on a man who is deceased. A lot of people have said to me, “Don’t you hope that DNA proves this man to not be you’re the one, so you will still have a chance that your natural father is alive?” No. Of course I would prefer not to find a grave at the end of a search if I had my druthers, but having some answers is better than having nothing.

Right now this man is our only lead. And with this lead, I have found a paternal family that accepts and welcomes me, should DNA prove us related. Even if they did not, just knowing the truth of where I come from is huge. In my personal experience, with every bit of history or truth I receive, another part of me settles down inside. I thought everything about this would be solved when I met my natural mother. It wasn’t. However, a great deal of what was unsettled inside me did settle down.

I’ve never expected to find perfection in reunion. I just want truth. Whether it’s good, bad or ugly…I just want reality instead of the fantasies my mind wandered to for 27 years on the maternal side and now 47 years on the paternal. All that wandering gets tiring. Not bragging at all here, but simply to make a point…I’ve accomplished some important things in my life. But I wonder how much more I could have accomplished had I not been constantly distracted by thoughts of the unknown. Every person whether adopted or not will face questions about the unknown. However, adoptees deal with this issue at the very core of our identity. That is not easy and even if you are a Christian, you have a relationship with God and a strong spiritual walk, those questions will roar. A lot.

I’m so tired of wondering about those things and wish I could have it settled once and for all.

You say “I believe every human being has a right to look into the eyes of the two people they originate from, at least once.” When mediating among competing rights, how does one decide whose right trumps the others’? How should the law (if indeed it is a legal issue — maybe it is more of a moral issue) handle mothers sharing information on the identity of fathers in order to fulfill the rights of the resulting child?

The child is the one who is actually adopted. If it’s all about doing what’s right for children, then do that. The law is handled simply by providing adoptees with their original birth certificate (OBC) and requiring that they be provided the names of their original mother and father. Simple as that. I believe this is a separate issue from contact, reunion or relationship. Knowledge is different from all those things.

In response to the closed-lips your mother maintained about your father until her death, you have become super-open with your children. Do you think there are any bits of info that a parent might hide from a child, for his/her own good? What are the effects of such secrets on a child? Could that outweigh the possible effects of revealing those secrets on a child, even an adult child?

I believe there are things we may keep from our children for their own good that have nothing to do with them. I’m extremely open with my children but I don’t gather all of them together and drop a bunch of information on them that doesn’t touch their personal lives. I don’t tell my kids “everything” in the literal sense. I do not break confidences within my personal friendships or that which regards my job. But if something is about them personally or has an effect on their lives and they are the rightful owners of that information as well as me — then, I tell them.

Last year when I was in therapy for eight months, they knew. This affects their day-to-day lives. Children are perceptive and know something is wrong even when we say nothing. Rather than make them wonder, “What is wrong with mom? Why is she crying a lot? Are her and dad fighting? Are they getting a divorce?” and sending their minds in a tailspin as to what could be wrong, I sat them down and told them the truth. I shared what had happened between their grandmother and me, and why I was in therapy. Had they been younger, I wouldn’t have used the same exact words.

When the boys were very young, I faced secondary rejection when my natural mother declined to meet me after the confidential intermediary contacted her. I was distraught. I tried to hold it together in front of my two little guys, and most days I succeeded but some days I failed. Our middle son, Jordan, was too young to verbalize or ask what was wrong. He was still a baby in diapers. But Dustin, a preschooler, was so intuitive and verbal and he came out and asked, “What’s wrong, Mommy?” I remember explaining to him in very basic terms that someone I cared about hurt my heart, and this was the reason for my tears. Years later as they grew up they heard the full story. In fact, all three of my children have read my story on the blog even though they already knew the whole thing and lived through it. As they grew in maturity my explanation of things expanded.

The question above may imply that your mother kept your father’s identity from you for your own good. But I sense that is not the case, that her reasons were more self-protective. What are some of the thoughts or techniques or verses from scripture that helped you find forgiveness for your mother in your Casket Chat?

It’s an ongoing process and I call on God daily for wisdom and strength. He has been faithful to give it, daily. I could share a plethora of things He has imparted to me from the time of the falling out with my natural mother, until now. I’ll pick two.

My natural mother declared to me even before she knew she was sick that she would “go to her grave with my father’s name”. I held out hope that she wouldn’t, after she got sick. But, she did. I have to admit, there are still some days I wake up even today and say to myself, “Did that really happen?”

I remember feeling the most intense defeat I have ever felt in my life, when she died. Yes, because she was dead, but also because she died with my natural father’s name.

It felt hopeless, utterly hopeless in those first few days. One of the most powerful moments for me, and I’ve held onto this every day since, was when my friend Michelle, a Lost Daughters blogger, wrote on my Facebook page: “She is not the victor…”

I felt the opposite of Michelle’s declaration at the time. But I held onto it and knew that even without having knowledge of my natural father (yet) I was a victor for who I had become in the process of the previous months. I learned a lot about who I was in 2012 even though a lot of my history is still a mystery. My natural mother wasn’t treating me with kindness during that year, but my therapist reassured me that mounting courage and walking into her hospital room in her final hours was more a statement about who I am than how she was treating me.

I’ve gone to a whole new level in my life of learning what it means to do the right thing, as far as it depends on me. Verses that have been lifelines to me are:

My life verse:

No one will be able to stand against you all the days of your life. As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you. 6 Be strong and courageous… — Joshua 1:5 and 6

Also this:

Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. — Isaiah 41:10

Some days the thought of forgiving was so overwhelming I could only wail. There were days words failed me completely but God said, “You’re right Deanna, you can’t do this on your own but I will strengthen you, help you, uphold you and enable you to do what you can’t do on your own.”

He is faithful.

~~~~~

Deanna Doss Shrodes is a licensed minister with the Assemblies of God and has served as a pastor for 26 years, along with her pastor-husband, Larry. They have been married for 26 years, have three children and live in the Tampa Bay area.  Adopted in 1966 in a closed domestic adoption, she searched and found her original mother, sister and brother and reunited with them in 1993.  Deanna blogs about adoption issues at her personal blog, Adoptee Restoration, and also serves as the spiritual columnist at Lost Daughters, and well as being a regular contributor at Adoption Voices Magazine.

Want more of this anthology? Click over to read Deanna’s interview with me.

~~~~~

One eBook is available for giveaway through this post. Please leave a comment below by February 7 and I’ll use random.org to select a winner. Make sure I have your email address to notify you in case you win.

**Northern Star — you win! Look in your emailbox for further information.**

Thanks to Pastor Deanna for sharing her resilience, determination and reclaiming. For more posts by and about contributors to this anthology, see below.
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Q&A: Rachel Garlinghouse on Transracial Adoption

Rachel Garlinghouse from the blog White Sugar, Brown Sugar has published her book on transracial adoption, titled Come Rain or Come Shine. She’s giving away a copy to a lucky commenter — details below.

author rachel garlinghouseThis is a guide for adoptive parents who find themselves facing the combination of adoptism and racism — these “isms” refer to being treated as less-than. I like the way Rachel set up her chapters. As part of each you’ll find Questions from the Trenches (which Rachel answers), Questions for Further Discussion (which are open), Practical Application, and comprehensive lists of Resources for Parents ad Resources for Kids. These are some of the features that make Rachel’s creation not just a book but a practical guide.

Here are some questions I posed to Rachel, along with her responses.

What prompted you to make the transition from transracial adoptive mom to transracial adoptive author?
I was born to write! I always knew I’d write a book, but each time I attempted, something wasn’t right: the timing, the angle, the subject. Then it dawned on me that I should write the book that no one else has. I did a lot of research to discover that most books on transracial adoption were outdated, too simplistic, and too textbook-ish. Readers needed a current, conversational, practical, comprehensive guide to transracial adoption. So I wrote it!

Tell us how you chose the title of your book, Come Rain or Come Shine.
I chose the title to represent transracial adoption: it’s joys (shine) and challenges (rain). They go hand-in-hand. And without rain, you wouldn’t appreciate the sunshine.

What surprised you about the book writing process? What surprised you about the publishing process?
Writing and publishing the book was a labor of love and torture! I was up until the early morning often, writing and revising. I had to fight my own inner critic: that I was too young, too inexperienced, too “green.” But the truth is, I knew, deep down, that I was on the right path. I was giving readers the book I wish I would have had when I started my adoption journey. God didn’t bless me with the gift to write for me to ignore that gift or use it half-heartedly. There are distinct moments in our adoption journey where I can look back and say that those things were are leading me to the date when my book went from a manuscript to a publication.

How did writing the book influence how you parent? You did a lot of research and included advice from many sources — which advice wase most impactful in your own home?
Most of the research was done long before I started writing the book, because I was trying to navigate aspects of adoption (openness, transracial, etc.) in my own family. So I read everything I could get my hands on. There are so many fantastic adoption books available, but because adoption is a specialized topic, the books aren’t always easy to find. One of my goals was to make sure I listed these resources in my book so readers could further their adoption education (without having to do all the digging to find the titles!).

I believe the best thing I’ve learned so far in adoption is that, as one of my chapters is titled, it takes a village. Trying to go at adoption alone is not only isolating and confusing, but it can also be detrimental. I have an adoptive mom support group of 100 local women: my village. They are brilliant and hysterically funny and honest. I need these women to be the mother I am.

In the nearly two years since I began writing the manuscript for my own book, my children have moved into new stages of processing their adoptedness, meaning that there are some portions of my book that I would make changes or additions to if I were writing it today. Have there been any parts of your book that you would modify, now that you have more parenting experience under your belt?
I do plan to revise the book in the future as my children get older.  One of the demons I battled while writing the book is that my kids weren’t old enough for me to write extensively about what adopted children might face as teens, for example. However, my “village” includes many parents who have adopted teens, so I leaned on them, and many adoption experts, to fill in the gaps for me.

What are your relationships like with your children’s birth parents? How is it navigating these six relationships?
We have three children and three open adoptions. I will say that open adoption is bittersweet. I’m quite mindful that my children’s biological parents suffered a great loss in placing their children for adoption and that loss is not something someone just “gets over” or “moves past.” I believe it has to be dealt with time and time again throughout life. We have been blessed, incredibly, with our open adoptions which include visits, texts, phone calls, and e-mails. It hasn’t been easy, but I believe it’s the best choice for my children. I want to be able to tell my children that I did everything in my power to allow them access to both information and relationships with their biological families.

transracial adoption book by rachel garlinghouseYou give advice in your book about protecting your children’s privacy and stories. How did you come to develop these healthy boundaries when it comes to inquiring minds that want to know?
Because we are a transracial family and our adoption status is obvious, hardly a day goes by where I’m not asked an adoption question. I always answer with education and with respect for my children and their stories. However, I am human. There are times when I get tired of the intrusive and often hurtful questions such as, “Are the kids real siblings?” (The world “real” here refers to biology. So if my kids aren’t considered “real” siblings, than I’m not their real parent, and we aren’t a real family.) Rather than snap when a stranger is crossing the line (persistently), I have had to walk away or change the subject. I’m aware that my children are always watching and listening to how I respond. I want them to know that people will be curious about our family, but it’s not ok for anyone to be disrespectful or invasive.

What’s next for you?  What are you currently working on?  How can readers get in touch with you?
I have another book idea, but with three little ones, writing for Adoption.net (column called Ask the Adoption Coach), writing articles, blogging and facilitating an adoptive mom support group, I have no plans to write another book in the immediate future.

I love getting messages from readers!  I can be reached via e-mailmy book’s FB page , or my blog’s FB page.  Readers are also encouraged to head over to Adoption.net’s FB page and ask their burning questions.   The editors select questions for me to answer in the Ask the Adoption Coach series.

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Indicate in a comment below if you’d like to enter to win your own copy of Come Rain or Come Shine. Do so by midnight (MST) December 14. Rachel will use random.org to select a winner and send that person a book.

EDITED: April has won the drawing. We will try to reach you to fulfill the giveaway.

Congrats to April and thanks to all!

Speaking of adoption books, who on your list could make good use of The Open-Hearted Way to Open Adoption? (Shameless plug? Why yes. Vanquish all forms of shame 😉 )

Novelist Q&A: The Mothers by Jennifer Gilmore

A local friend, breathless on the other end of the line, says, “My husband heard you on NPR this morning talking about your new adoption book — congrats, Lori!” I then admit I have no idea what the caller is talking about.

A bloggy friend: “Lori, there’s an author talking about open adoption in an article in The Atlantic. There are already 200 comments but you should weigh in, too!”

Jennifer Gilmore, novelistA Google Alert delivers to my inbox an article in the LA Times about a new novel with open adoption as its backdrop.

These are a few of the ways I first learned of Jennifer Gilmore. Her book about infertility and adoption came out the same week my own did. I contacted her and we exchanged books, hers fiction and mine nonfiction, both with open adoption as a core theme. Below is my review and her candid Q&A with me.

Main character and narrator Jesse asks herself mid-novel What is opened and what is closed? — a question I, too have pondered.

My Amazon review of The Mothers

Jesse and Ramon failed at fertility treatments and were turned away from international adoption. So they turned to this newish thing called “open adoption” and ended up opening themselves up to all kinds of drama — even trauma, feeling unsupported by the adoption facilitator(s) whom Jesse/Ramon thought should be doing a better job at protecting their fragile hearts.

The Mothers chronicles a torturous journey toward motherhood by a woman who is still figuring out what it means to be “the mother.” Jesse seems to understand the role of the mother only in the negative, in what was lacking in her own mother and in her mother-in-law. Throughout the book we find Jesse trying to figure out just what occupying the vaunted status of The Mother means, should mean.

My journey to parenthood was similar to fictional Jesse’s, and I recognized myself and many of the emotions that come with infertility in some of the book’s scenes. Gilmore covers baby lust, singular focus, magical thinking, marital wear-and-tear, and frustration about the inability for an otherwise capable woman to have any control over an outcome. The novel reads much like a memoir, and Gilmore is gutsy to show the inner thoughts and foibles of her main character/narrator.

Author Q&A about birth mothers, race and class in adoption, and novel vs memoir

“…the agency was there mostly to protect the birthmothers” (p 234). If you could advise the various adoption facilitators Jesse and Ramon used to connect with placing mothers on how to better serve their clients, what would you say?

The Mothers by Jennifer GIlmoreWhat I can say on the matter is this: there is a lot of coded language out there.  It isn’t IF you get your baby, but WHEN, for example. But that’s not always true. There are, in the end, more prospective adoptive parents than there are infants who need them. This is not including the foster care system that has its own set of laws and statistics. In regard to adoption, however, the only thing I can say is agencies need to offer more support by way of truthful information to prospective adoptive parents. There needs to be more preparation about what can actually happen. Of how laws differ in each state. How, because of the transparency of the open adoption process, you will more than likely have your heart broken before it is mended. Agencies have the best interest of the birth mothers in mind, as they are often seen as the commodity here. It’s really a market driven idea — and if you don’t put the birth mother first, then there is no child to get to your clients. This is the hidden part of it. It makes sense, but it is hidden.

The Mothers addresses topics like race, class and sexuality. Have you taken any heat for the ways in which your characters approach these touchy subjects?

When people talk about race — out in the open — it makes some uncomfortable. In an open adoption, one has to think about her feelings about race, in regards to the ethnicity of the child she feels comfortable parenting. My narrator is shocked that people want only a white baby, that many are not checking the African American or the Hispanic box on their profile forms.  My narrator checks all the boxes, but she does so without thinking deeply about it. Perhaps she doesn’t have to. She wants a child and she doesn’t care about his race.

But even to have a box you check or don’t check is shocking to a lot of people. How does this — race, ethnicity, color — define a person? Of course, everyone is a story, everyone has one, and this steals that narrative. When we talk about this — and for me when I wrote about it — I did receive pushback from people who found the process offensive. The were offended when I said in interviews that if you don’t want an African American child, you certainly shouldn’t parent one. And yet this is true. We lose sight sometimes of the most important thing, which is that we have to think first about what is best for the child. My character — and I — chose the African American box. Its mere mention, the mention of race talked about directly, does anger many people.

Other interviewers have broached the question regarding why you chose to write a work of fiction rather than a memoir. Doing so gives you ways to explore varied story lines, scenarios and issues. But the downside is that readers may see you as your main character. How would you describe the gap between your own story and Jesse’s?

I am a fiction writer. I have two previous literary novels that have nothing to do with adoption.  So for me, the most authentic way to tell the truth is through fiction.  While that may sound bogus to some, fiction is the way in which I view the world so there was never a question of whether it would be a memoir, only how I would tell it as a novel.

Would you tell us about your path to getting this book published? Was it an easy birth or a complicated one?

Because I had the same editor and publisher for my first two books, I suppose the publication was “easy.” They had the option to read the book before others did and they chose to buy it.  I don’t know what the experience would have been like if it were my first book.  It’s very hard to publish novels — perhaps had I NOT been a novelist first, I could have written the story as a memoir.  Perhaps that would have been easier to publish, I can’t say. But a novel is like a valentine. It lasts forever.

You mention in a Publishers Weekly interview that earlier this year you became mom to a son. Would you like to share any parts of that story?

After a very long and traumatic adoption journey, my husband and I did bring home a son at the end of January. It is an open adoption, which, as you know, means we know the birth mother — and in this case the birth father — in varying degrees.  We feel lucky. There were many moments we stopped believing that we would have a child. Every day we remember that, even if it’s just in the back of our minds, how almost this never happened.

~~~~~

Jennifer Gilmore is the author of Golden Country, a 2006 New York Times Notable Book and finalist for the Los Angeles Times Book Prize and the National Jewish Book Award, and Something Red, a New York Times Notable Book of 2010. Her work has appeared  magazine and journals, including Allure, Vogue and The Washington Post. She teaches at Princeton University and lives in Brooklyn.

Measure of Love: Book club post about Melissa Ford’s latest novel

Soooo, some of us are sitting around in a virtual coffee shop, talking about a book we signed up to read. Some have read the book, some are be in the process of reading it, and some are going “D’oh! I knew I was supposed to have something ready today!” Others are sitting within earshot of us, not participants in the book club but intrigued by what they’re hearing, and are saying to themselves, “Hmmm….sounds like a book I’d like to read.”

Measure of Love by Melissa FordThe first selection in this GRAB(ook) Club (Gonna Read Anyway Book) is Melissa Ford’s Measure of Love, the second in a three story arc (preceded by Life From Scratch and followed next year by Apart at the Seams.)

Each of us on the tour is posting one question, and the others will answer in the asker’s comment section.  My question happens to be one that you don’t have to have read the book to answer, so don’t click away just yet. I’d love for you to chime in below.

Can you remember a time when you’ve struggled with loyalty? When you’ve found it hard to be loyal to two people at odds with each other or when you’ve found your loyalty to a person to be at odds with what you yourself think or feel?

As Rachel remembers Arianna’s loyal-but-blah boyfriend Ben from college (Chapter 11), she recalls how she supported Arianna in breaking dates with him, how she rolled her eyes about him, how she steered Arianna away from stable and caring Ben in lieu of the edgier Pete. Now that Rachel’s brother Ethan is the caring and stable boyfriend in Arianna’s life, she reconsiders the value of loyalty. Rachel must figure out how to offer her loyalty to both her best friend and to her brother when loyalty to one appears to be at odds with loyalty to the other.

Have you ever found yourself in a bind when it comes to loyalty?

After you answer my question, please click over to read the rest of the book club questions for Measure of Love.  You can get your own copy of Measure of Love by Melissa Ford at bookstores including Amazon.