Category Archives: Meditation

My watershed moment: the breakthrough I needed to become a mom

I’m re-running a post from my archives that I found during my move. If you are in the throes of infertility, this one’s for you.


October, 2000. I am on the therapist’s table. She leads me to a relaxed state of deeper consciousness. She asks me to look at my shoes. I do.

They have buckles, and my story flows forth. I am 14 years old, living with my parents in a place that’s cold with a dirt floor. I have just gotten what Mother calls “the Curse.” It frightens me at first, the blood.

The therapist guides me to the next significant event. Now I am 19, and my parents and the community are gathered at my wedding. The groom is a kind, balding man with spectacles. My parents have chosen him for me. The therapist asks what I think of this arranged marriage: “It’s what we do.”

Another scene. My son is 7. Josiah has piercing blue eyes and brings me joy. He is out with my husband (his father) one day working the fields. A horse is spooked and kicks Josiah in the head.

For 14 years I take care of my once-vibrant, bedridden, now simple son. I blame my husband for this life lost, even though I know it was an accident. We don’t have another child because to me, children = pain. I am called “barren.”

Despite my ministrations, Josiah dies as a young adult.

I live a numb life.

The therapist brings me to my own funeral. It is in a bleak church with no color — only shades of earth. There is nothing remarkable about my passing. It is a relief. The mourners are there because “it’s what we do.”

The therapist alerts me to some beliefs I carry:

  • Life is bleak
  • Children bring pain.
  • There is little room for self-direction. We are carried by the thought, “it’s what we do.”

Once I am aware of these beliefs, we release them. Ethel, the therapist, is an energy worker, and she brings me to a decision point where I can choose to carry or not carry these beliefs with me in my current life.

I get off the table and ask for time to journal. She concludes our session with a huge glass of water to help move the energetic debris we dislodged.

So, was this an actual past life or not? Or was it just another way — like Freudian free-association or Jungian dream interpretations or a Rorschach test — to glimpse the unconscious beliefs I carried and that thwarted my desired to be a mom?

And does it matter?

I felt immediate relief after that session. I was lighter, unshackled, empowered. I can tell you that from that point on, we had smooth sailing.

That week we chose an adoption agency and resolved to complete the HUGE application packet by the first of the year. Right after New Year’s, we turned it in.

Three months later our daughter was born. Because, among other things, I cleared the way.

Perfect Moment Monday: Leap Day

Perfect Moment Monday is about noticing a perfect moment rather than creating one. Perfect moments can be momentous or ordinary or somewhere in between.

Once a week we engage in mindfulness about something that is right with our world. Everyone is welcome to join. Details on how to participate are at the bottom of this post, complete with bloggy bling.

Please visit the links of the participants at the bottom.

Here’s a perfect moment from my week. I hope you’ll share yours, too.


One of my favorite sayings is Leap and the net will appear.

Of course, it’s meant to be a metaphorical statement. Leaping into unknowns like college, marriage, parenthood, adoptive parenting and other opportunities that come our way. Somehow, we are presented with a net, usually after we leap.

But this week I got the literal meaning.

Late last summer I took my kids to Jungle Quest, a place for kids to swing from vines, zipline across a room, and climb a rock wall. Tessa and Reed looked like they were having so much fun that I decided the next time we went, I would also harness up and fly through the air.

Which was easier said than done. The whole family went this week on the MLK holiday. I had butterflies while the Jungle Quest guy put the harness on me. Even at the lowest platform, I had a very difficult time leaping off.

But I did it. And soon, I liked it.

I don’t know why letting go is so hard sometimes. But doing so often leads to perfect moments.


To participate in Perfect Moment Monday:

  1. Between Sunday night and Tuesday night, write up your own Perfect Moment in a blog post, on Twitter, on Facebook, or simply leave a comment below.
  2. Grab the URL of your Perfect Moment.
  3. Use MckLinky below to enter your (or your blog’s) name and the URL of your Perfect Moment
  4. Visit the Perfect Moments of others (from the links below), and let the writers know you were there.

Once you make a Perfect Moment post , you may place this button on your blog.

What Perfect Moment have you recently been aware of? Be sure to visit these moments and share the love, and please come back next week (click to subscribe).

How to live a charmed life in 2010

I’m going to share with you the simple sentence that made all the difference to me. In one decade, it has taken me from willing my own death to leading quite a charmed life.

It is the simplest thing in the world. Yet I find it to be tantalizingly difficult.


I mean, are you really ready?

OK — here it is.

I already am all that I seek.

That’s it! Feel charmed now?

Maybe I should say more.


In the early 2000s, I began studying energy work under a modern-day mystic named Ethel. My classmates and I became intimate friends and supporters of each other, and we continued to meet and learn for 5 years. I am convinced that my time with Ethel and these women made the difference between the devastating ’90s and the uber-blessed ’00s.

Too often, in our prayers or meditations or supplications, we dwell on what we DON’T have. Implied or explicit, when you say, “I want health. I want an end to money woes. I want fertility. I want success. I want love,” you are coming from a place of lack. You feel powerless, at the mercy of God/fate/the Universe. You are small and alone and limited.

But there is another way, a way that doesn’t come from lack, from limitation, from the small you. Instead, it comes from abundance, from the Unlimited, from the big, connected You. Which is, I believe, the REAL You. (I wrote briefly about about small lori and Big Lori here.)

My previous prayers were prayers of contraction. “Please let me get this job. Please bring me a soul mate. Please give me a positive pee stick. Please make me healthy.” Oprah and The Secret may espouse the Law of Attraction, but know that in drawing something to you, you are pulling in, contracting.

Contracting takes place in the realm of duality (healthy/sick, employed/unemployed, BFP/BFN). Expansion, on the other hand, goes up a level, if you will, to the realm of unity. Contraction assumes what you want is separate from you. Expansion acknowledges that nothing is separate from you –- it is only unmanifested because of limits to your ability to live consciously.

How about in 2010, playing instead with expansion? With how connected you are to all. How about realizing — or just preTENDing to realize, at first, that you already are all that you seek.

Notice that it doesn’t say you already HAVE all that you seek. This thought is not about doing, about acquiring, but about BEing. Being the Big You.

So get a bunch of sticky notes, and write the phrase on them. Stick them on your mirror, your dashboard, your kitchen cupboard, your computer monitor. Let it seep into you by osmosis, effortlessly. Become acquainted with the thought.

Next, just pretend. Play what if. What if your heart’s desire was not separate from you? What if You are so big that nothing is separate from you? What if You already are all that you seek?

And if you already meditate or do yoga or set intentions, try this one: It is my intention to remember that I already am all that I seek. Dwell on this for a few minutes daily.

Commit to this thought for 2010 and see what happens.

Here is an expansion meditation I wrote about early in my blogging days. It is aimed at the adoption wait, but it can be applied to any situation where you wish to manifest what you seek by simply acknowledging your awesomeness, your bigness.

Consider yourself charmed.