Category Archives: Mindfulness

“We Found Something. You Need More Follow Up Tests.”

As a Newlywed

Many years ago I had a health scare. A routine exam turned into, “go to a specialist to get this checked out.” Many phone calls and appointments were made and  many big scary words were uttered.

Between the onset of this foray and its resolution, I became a raving lunatic. I didn’t do well with living in suspension and fear. My greater fear is of the diagnostic procedures rather than the verdict, only because I can’t seem to get past the fear of procedures, not because I have no fear of the verdict.

During this time my new husband was patient with me as I pitbulled on my plight. After weeks of my hand-wringing and histrionics, he finally said in exasperation, “I can’t deal with all this drama! You’ve got to find a way to calm yourself down!”

Instead of taking it as a rebuke, I chose to take it as one of those interventions that only a loved one can offer. I chose to believe that he wanted me grow up and, not exactly to be a better person, but become a better version of myself. Was I up to reaching for that?

The needle aspiration revealed nothing alarming and all was well.

Freak Out, Take 2

Years later we relived a similar scenario. Though I didn’t score quite so high on the histrionics scale, I would say I was still past yellow, well into orange. I told dozens of people — family and close friends. And maybe the occasional dry cleaner or barista. It was important to me that everyone was thinking of me, rooting for me. At the time I had a strong victim mentality and thrived on such attention.

After a few weeks, this near-crisis resolved through a core needle biopsy that revealed no malignancy.

Dealing a Third Time

A few years after that, again I got to spend an entire summer chasing down knowledge of my own health as I visited doctors, specialists, radiology departments, and finally the surgeon who performed a two-part stereotactic biopsy. This time I had small children. I was a still a wreck, but I was able to keep more of the anxiety inside.

follow up mammogram© Nevit Dilmen [CC BY-SA 3.0 or GFDL, via Wikimedia Commons.
(Not my images.)

It was not only the diagnostic procedure that was causing me angst. It was also the scary thought of going through treatments while parenting and the even scarier thought of leaving my kids behind as one possible ending of this story arc. Though I kept the outer drama down for my kids’ sake, inside I was churning churning churning.

My coping mechanism this time was to make deals.

  • Dear God. If you make this OK, I’ll ____________.
  • Or I’ll give up ____________________ if I get to keep my health.
  • Or I promise I’ll never ________________ again if Benign is the word.

Benign WAS the word the surgeon delivered and I was flooded with relief. I can’t actually remember any of the deals I made so I don’t know if I fulfilled them.

Life went on.

Growing Up

Just this spring, I found out I needed a follow up mammogram, possibly with an ultrasound.

I’ve been through a lot since that last time. I’ve moved fully into the role of Mom, which caused me to grow up and stop being the child (not to say that people who don’t mother don’t grow up; just that it made a difference for me). Now I am the one calming others down, helping them face and release their fears. Plus, I’ve discovered yoga and meditation, and I’ve practiced for thousands of hours of bringing my mind back to the present moment, a moment in which all is well.

So when I got the news I’d need more tests, I was annoyed that I’d have to add phone calls and appointments to my ToDo list — but I didn’t feel  debilitating fear.  I knew I was healthy (well, I was pretty sure). I know my body; I live here.

And I wasn’t crazy about the hefty price tag for additional testing — several hundred dollars, funds that already had a line of claims on it. I saw this as money I’d have to pay to have someone outside me tell me what I already knew — that I was OK.

But  I wasn’t fearful.

Should I spend the time and money for certainty? I had to decide.

Without the fear, this time I had no need to tell everyone. Instead, I wanted to make a private decision. I knew what virtually every other person would tell me to do, implore me to do. But the decision needed to come from inside me, not outside me.

Without the fear, this time the specter of treatment and beyond did not overshadow my days. In fact, I rarely thought of it for several weeks.

Eventually I made a a decision with my wise mind, not just my emotional mind (to use DBT terms). Last week, I got squished again.

The waits  from check-in to radiology and from dressing gown to actual squishes were not too long. Neither was the wait to have the images read.

Without the fear, during these waits I did not make deals. I stayed present. I breathed. I didn’t anticipate all the possible futures I could be facing in mere moments when the verdict would be in. I remained drama-less. I remained alone and calm, knowing I’d have the resources to face whatever I’d need to.

“All right, Lori,” said the very kind squisher after about 15 minutes. “You’re all set. It’s just extra tissue. Go ahead and get dressed and I’ll show you out.”

I texted “all clear” to the few people I’d told on my way to the appointment. None of my loved ones were in suspense for very long, except for my husband.

When I told him the news, I flashed back to our first time at this rodeo and was astonished at how different I have become — thanks to him, thanks to becoming a mom, thanks to the passage of time, thanks to my own efforts.

No matter what the results might have ended up being, I can attest that the process is a lot more manageable without the fear.

5 Mental Health Takeaways from Disney Pixar’s Inside Out

As far back as I can remember I’ve been fascinated with how the mind works. In high school I wrote an essay on the subconscious and later I earned a degree in psychology in college (though I never made a career out of it).

More recently, I started practicing yoga and meditation, as ways to bring the subconscious up to the conscious level on an ongoing basis.

And even MORE recently, as part of my interest in trauma work in the realm of adoption, I’ve begun a year-long self-study of DBT — Dialectical Behavior Therapy. When I read (in either The Atlantic or People — I always get them confused) that Disney Pixar was about to release Inside Out, I did a double-take. Hey — that’s DBT in Buzz Lightyear style!

Based in Headquarters, the control center inside 11-year-old Riley’s mind, five Emotions are hard at work, led by lighthearted optimist Joy (voice of Amy Poehler), whose mission is to make sure Riley stays happy. Fear (voice of Bill Hader) heads up safety, Anger (voice of Lewis Black) ensures all is fair and Disgust (voice of Mindy Kaling) prevents Riley from getting poisoned—both physically and socially. Sadness (voice of Phyllis Smith) isn’t exactly sure what her role is, and frankly, neither is anyone else. — Disney Pixar

My family attended a pre-screening the other night (disclosure: we were guests at the theater). Each of us loved the movie, for different reasons. Reed liked it for the cartoon-y feel, bright colors, and fast pace. Tessa liked it for pulling on her heartstrings. Roger liked it for the multi-layered humor that Pixar is so good at (as in virtually any episode of The Simpson, there is in-your-face kid humor alongside more subtle adult humor).

I liked the film because it takes Dialectical Behavior Therapy from flat words and theories into dimensional images and a narrative. Along with basic tenets of attachment parenting, here are my takeaways (which will make sense even if you’ve never heard of DBT).

Disney Pixar InsideOut emotions

1. Every emotion has a purpose. None are “bad,” though some could be overused or neglected/repressed. Part of the journey within the film involves finding the purpose for sadness. It highlighted for me how much emphasis many of us put into NOT feeling sad.

disney pixar's inside out sadness

2. Relationships are key. Relationships allow for connection. Connection allows for resilience. Connection is required before claims can be made on a relationships. Before you correct, connect — as one of my tutors is fond of saying. When dealing with a traumatized kiddo like Riley (her trauma was being uprooted by a life she loved in Minnesota when her family moves to San Francisco), the connection with her parents must be perceived by her before requests of her can be entertained.

disney pixar's inside out relationships

3a. Play builds connection…Inside Out portrays each of Riley’s memories as a large glowing pearl. Memories that have great significance or are oft-repeated are called core memories. Joy explains in the clip above that “each core memory powers a different aspect of Riley’s personality, like my personal favorite, Goofball Island.

Courtesy Goofball Island, many of Riley’s core memories reflect her family’s silliness: food served in a zooming airplane spoon; undies worn on the head;  nekkid toddler Riley shaking her patooty to the sheer glee of her parents.

Riley’s core memories show strong connection within her family, which won’t prevent tough times but will make recovery easier when she encounters them.

disney pixar's inside out play

3b. …and we should invest in connection. The steady building of Goofball Island, Family Island, Friend Island and the other foundations are necessary for Riley to weather emotions she experiences due to stress-inducing events in her life.

Though in my home we are past the zooming airplane spoon and nekkid toddler patooty stages, we can still invest in Family and Goofball Island infrastructure through games and giggles like jumping rope, getting out the Twister mat, playing charades, bouncing on the trampoline.

4. Simply abide. We in the ALI (adoption/loss/infertility) community have a tradition of abiding with someone who is enduring a loss or facing a fear. We don’t dismiss the emotions (“it’ll all be OK”) or tell someone to “get over it.” We don’t avoid tough emotions. We sit with a person while she feeeeeeels it. We walk alongside.

Riley is able to fall back on core memories of being abided with as she deals with her losses and fears. Surprisingly, Sadness plays a key role here, especially when Riley is allowed to feeeeeel sadness and is supported while doing so.

disney pixar's inside out school

5. Becoming your own observer is one way to be mindful. I vaguely remember a similarly-themed FOX-TV series in the early 1990s called Herman’s Head. Perhaps turning our emotions into their own entities is an effective mindfulness technique because it turns us into our own observer even as we are also the observed. That helps us retain a rational element while also being intensely emotional. What would it be like to observe yourself in a moment of highly-charged emotion and lend a color, a name, a personality to that emotion? Would that make it easier to stay in control of the emotion rather than allow the emotion to control you?

disney pixar's inside out anger

Inside Out by Disney•Pixar is a movie my whole family recommends. If you see it, come back and tell me what you think of it.

Addison Cooper has reviewed this film also. Check out what he has to say on Adoption at the Movies.

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Lori Holden's book coverLori Holden, mom of a teen son and a teen daughter, blogs from Denver. Her book, The Open-Hearted Way to Open Adoption: Helping Your Child Grow Up Whole, is available through your favorite online bookseller and makes a thoughtful anytime gift for the adoptive families in your life.

Dealing with Adoption’s Ghost Kingdom (and GIVEAWAY)

Part 3: The Role of Mindfulness in Adoption

Even though I just completed a 4-part series called Parenting GPS, today I offer you the last part of a different series, a 3 part interview that was originally published in Foster Focus magazine.

Get caught up with Part 1 on Adoption at the Movies (how to deal with adoption triggers online) and Part 2 on MileHighMamas (pre-adoption fears).

This interview, conducted by Addison Cooper of Adoption at the Movies, is of interest to anyone parenting via adoption of any sort — domestic, international, foster — or by donor sperm, egg or embryo. Our topic is mindfulness, which, as I talked about recently, is a supremely helpful tool for anyone parenting a child who has experienced a split between her biology (the DNA she’s born with) and her biography (the life that’s written by those we call family).

interview on mindfulness in adoption

Addison Cooper: You wrote that we honor the other parent’s role in adoption by not asking the child to choose or rank biology over biography or vice versa. People tend towards categorization and try to figure out where we fit in the pecking order of the world, what the different camps are in, for example, the “adoption triad.” That can hurt kids, though. How can we avoid doing that?

Lori Holden: You’re right that we categorize. And the adoption triad isn’t really a triad. For example, you and I are both in the adoption world, but you’re in the social worker corner and I’m in the adoptive parent corner, and other people are in other corners, like birth parents or adoptees or activists or therapists. Then we have other delineations: international or domestic, private or foster, happy or “angry.” We are always looking for differences and similarities and aligning ourselves accordingly.

The answer to your question of how to avoid hurting kids is pretty simple. We need to move from an Either/Or mindset —  “either they’re your parents or we are;” “either you’re their son or you’re mine;” “you can claim either them or us” — we must move from that Either/Or mindset to a Both/And heartset. The Both/And approach acknowledges that “all of us contributed to who you are. They gave you something we can’t. We’re giving you something they couldn’t.”

When you have the Both/And heartset, the Either/Or question is pointless. It’s splitting a baby, and who wants to split a baby?

What does it mean to you to be “one of” your son’s favorite moms, as you wrote?

On the morning of my son’s 9th birthday, I woke him up by gushing, “You’re my favorite son!” He responded with, “You’re my faav…errr…ummmm…you’re one of my favorite mommies!”

I was totally happy about that. If he had said, “You’re my favorite mom,” it could have been like splitting my baby. Did he feel he had to tell me that so that I would feel like the winner over his birth mother — at his expense? Would he be denying part of himself out of loyalty to me? I don’t want to cause him split loyalties from an Either/Or mindset. I want him to be free to claim Both/And.

That’s beautiful. Would you describe parenting in seven words?

Rewarding and relentless practice of loving unconditionally.

You wrote about the “ghosts” of how things might have been. For birth parents, there’s the ghost child not being raised. For adoptive parents, there can be the ghost bio kid that never manifested. For adoptees, there’s the question of, what life would have been like with birth family or a different adoptive family. How can we deal mindfully with the ghosts of how things might have been?

The Ghost Kingdom is an idea from the late adoptee activist and psychologist Betty Jean Lifton, PhD. It’s really important to actually deal with any ghosts we have rather than pretend they’re not there, because “that which we resist persists.” Perhaps we all experience ghost lives, and it’s okay that we do it — as long as we do it mindfully.

I do sometimes catch myself with my own ghost child, the mini-me I had once dreamed of. I feel regret and even shame about that, but it would be worse if I tried to stuff it down and never deal with my thoughts and emotions. That would make it harder for my kids. It would make it harder for me. So I try to be mindful of my ghost child when she appears and say, “Oh, hi, there. I wonder why I’m conjuring you right now. What grief or loss do I need to process? Thank you for visiting, and now I’m returning to the kids I AM raising. Thank you for bringing me the gift of awareness.”

Being mindful is a way to neutralize our ghosts. Know that if you’re feeling wistful about the child you didn’t get to raise, it doesn’t mean you’re a bad parent, it just means that you’ve got a wounded spot that needs healing. Be gentle with yourself and be compassionate with your kids as they process their own grief and loss. Model for them how to deal with ghosts, for they may have their own pop up from time to time, too, of the lives they might have had and of the parents they aren’t being raised by.

It seems like the way we treat ourselves affects how our kids will treat themselves. This reminds me of the beginning scene of The Odd Life of Timothy Green. The couple is mourning the child that they haven’t been able to have, and they do that by imagining exactly what he would have been like. That always struck me as a healthy way of facing and processing grief.

In fact, one of the things our agency did for us during our pre-adoption training was to have each of us write a letter to the child we would never have. Maybe that shouldn’t be a one-time activity; maybe letter-writing can be a way to periodically deal with the ghost child that keeps popping up. Maybe you need to say goodbye again and again as new things come up for you through your actual child’s life.

You wrote that the less emotional distance or charge a child perceives between his two sets of parents, the more integrated his psyche can be. You also wrote that openness can help heal the split between a child’ biology and biography that is created by adoption. How can we help our children develop a healed and integrated psyche, and how does the distance between both sets of parents impact a child?

It varies as a child ages and goes through different stages, but through the long journey we trust the process. It’s a hard road sometimes, but it’s better to have openness than closedness (and by openness I mean more than just contact). Openness promotes mindfulness. When things are closed, when stuff is kept from us, we have a harder time being mindful and fully aware. You might try to keep things from yourself, thinking “Oh, I won’t deal with this and it will go away,” but things like this don’t go away when you don’t deal with them; they can grow and become even more unmanageable.

Minimizing emotional distance between adoptive and birth families can mean speaking about your counterparts only in a loving/accepting and never a derogatory way. It can mean choosing to love your counterparts simply because doing so is good for your child. In some ways, this is like a “good” divorce, in which the parents stay united in parenting even though they dissolve the marriage, versus a “bad” divorce, in which the children may become pawns of the adults who continue to have lots of unresolved triggers.

You acknowledge that adoption is complicated, no matter how you do it. Just because it’s complicated doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong, and if you perceive it as uncomplicated, it probably means you’re not looking hard enough.

Heather Forbes of Beyond Consequences reinforces the concept that in parenting — even in mindful parenting — sometimes you don’t find immediate success in tough parenting situations. The best you can do in these moments is to trust the process and operate from your core, from a place of stillness and wisdom that you learn to use as a touchstone. In doing so, you stand the best chance to keep your own self regulated.

You said something beautiful and true in your book: that almost everybody is doing the best they can with what they have at any point in time. I see that there in Heather’s training, too. All we can hold ourselves accountable for is to do the best we can. If I plant a seed in a garden, I can’t be accountable for whether it grows, I can only be accountable for if I planted it well. If you become a parent, you can’t be accountable for whether your kid thrives or whether the relationships thrive, only whether you did the best you could do.

Exactly. We cannot control all the variables, but with mindfulness we can control ourselves.  Being open, vulnerable, and honest with yourself and others, aiming for continual self-awareness – these are the ingredients that truly help us grow in our journey through adoptive parenting — and through life.

Giveaway

Did you enjoy this three-day interview series? Want even more insight into open adoption? Addison has three hardcover copies of my book, The Open-Hearted Way to Open Adoption: Helping Your Child Grow Up Whole, to give away (cover price $29.95), one for each day of the interview. To enter, just:

Addison will pick all three winners at random on Saturday, April 11. He will notify the winner (make sure he can reach you) and arrange for shipping later this month.

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Also check out:

What’s Your Parenting GPS?

What happens when your electronic GPS system doesn’t work?  You have to rely on something else — maybe even something so antiquated as your inner guidance system. Remember what it used to be like to get somewhere by feel? You had to tune in to something within.

But what?

If you are or will be a parent by adoption  or donor conception, you may want to consciously decide whether you will root your parenting inner guidance system in fear — or in love. The decision, consciously or unconsciously made — will have a profound impact on the rest of your life, and on the life of your child.

It’s a decision you’ll have to make again and again. This is why we are called on to cultivate mindfulness.

If regular old parenting takes courage, adoptive parenting takes super-courage. Did you know that the word courage comes from the same root as coronary? Ha — no coincidence!

Cuer (Old Fr), Cor (Lat) = heart. The heart as your parenting GPS.

gps for parenting via third-party reproduction

From Fearful to Fearless in Adoptive Parenting

Here’s the fourth and final question I was asked by an audience member in a webinar I led earlier this year. The webinar was on openness in parenting via donor conception, which has a lot in common with parenting via traditional adoption. Once again, I’m encouraged the question came up, as it indicates that adoption professionals, embryo or otherwise, are grasping the WHY of true openness and ready to focus on the HOW.

Q: ­As an adoption professional, how can I assist waiting adoptive families to move from fearful to fearless?­

I set out a few years ago to create such a guide. People living in adoption shared their stories with me and the result is  The Open-Hearted Way to Open Adoption, which turned 2 years old this week.  This post from my archives, ” ‘Real’ in Adoption and How it Splits Our Babies” offers a brief intro to shifting from an Either/Or mindset to Both/And heartset, which is one of the steps of moving from fearful to fearless. Thirdly, in the book there is a link to this audio exercise on mindfulness. Becoming more mindful about our own fears and motivations is a key part of resolving fear and becoming fearless as we parent via adoption.

Other resources I highly recommend to help adoption professionals and their clients better understand the openness (and the effects of closedness):

What do you think? How can people move from fearful to fearless in parenting? How can they continually orient their parenting decisions in their hearts rather than in their fears?

Other questions in this series:

Image courtesy nuttakit at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

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This post is also part of #Microblog Mondays. What’s that? A post that is not too long. Head over to Stirrup Queens to join the fun.