Category Archives: Open Adoption

How to Set Boundaries in Open Adoption

Want to know more about how to set healthy boundaries in an open adoption? Haven’t read my book yet but are curious about it? Check out this book excerpt in Carrie Goldman’s Portrait of an Adoption Column on Chicago Now.

Here’s an excerpt of the excerpt Carrie is sharing on Portrait of an Adoption’s Facebook page:

If you find yourself thinking in terms of what you will “grant” birth parents, what you will “give up” to them, then it’s possible that, instead of seeing your relationship as mutually beneficial and having a valid place in your child’s life, you view them as an imposition. At times like this, it would be helpful to ascertain what fears lurk behind those thoughts. Of course, if you have real fears for your family’s safety, then your relationship may end up being somewhat adversarial. But if your fears are your personal demons—like a fear of not being the “real” parent—then the work to be done is is on yourself.

I have two more elsewheres to report this week:

  • Adoptimist quotes this blog in a graphic it has created, which you can see here. This is the second in a series of quotes.
  • AllParenting asks adoptive moms to share their adoption love stories. Read several of them here.

Denver family portraitThe Lavender Luz family a few years back.

That’s my flurry of news. How is your summer going?

Dam. Open Adoption is Hard.

I’ve had difficulty writing weighty and/or witty posts on this blog for months now (you could arguably say longer — ha!). If has finally occurred to me there is a reason for the struggle:

rough times in open adoptionI’ve been actively not writing about something.

It’s a big thing that feels, now that I realize it’s there, like a large and hard-as-concrete dam that’s been holding back everything creative and curious in me.

I’m still not going to write about this emerging narrative. It’s overwhelming, it’s scary, it will be long-lasting, it’s hard, it’s sensitive, it’s not wholly mine, and for all these reasons I can’t process it in this space the way I sometimes do with other issues.

I will say this.

Parenting after you’ve adopted is flippin’ hard.

It’s just hard as children grow into increasingly sentient and emotional beings. You start out thinking you have some measure of control over things, but then you remember your job is to help your children become independent and able to function completely without you. And you see that a sense of control is largely a fallacy anyway — there are so so so so many variables and you influence only a portion of them.

The parenting journey — especially when overlaying it with an adoption component — can be messy, unpredictable, hairy, frustrating, sob-worthy, tear-your-hair-out-because-you-don’t-know-what-to-do, flipppin’, freakin’ hard.

And yet…

Open adoption is not the cause of the problem.

And open adoption is also not the solution in this particular case. Though contact can make things messier (relationships are messy! People have different viewpoints and opinions than I do — go  figure), the trade-off for the added turmoil is knowledge and support and insight and maybe even some other benefits that await discovery as our tale unfolds.

I still believe that openness is preferable to the alternative — being in denial or in the dark or closing my heart to vulnerability and authenticity.  (By “openness” I refer more to the spirit we parent with rather than the type and amount of contact with birth family members, though contact can be a part of it.) The root issue facing our family constellation would exist whether our adoptions were open or closed — and even whether or not there had been an adoption in the first place.

To offer it (yes, a nebulous “it”) up in the abstract, though, I offer you this recent podcast by my friend Rebecca Vahle of  the Parker Adventist Family to Family Adoption Support Program. Rebecca launched this program at a local hospital nine years ago and is now bringing it to hospitals all over the country as they strive to become more adoption-competent. As Rebecca says, this much-needed program is one last opportunity on the path of an adoption placement to ensure that patients and clients make decisions based on knowledge and education — the program does not have a stake in whether or not a woman (and possibly her partner) decides to place.

We all know that knowledge and education are vital to making good decisions for ourselves and for our children. Please Like on Facebook the Adoption Perspectives Radio Show so that you have easy access to more insightful interviews.

It’s hard to have been adopted

In this hour-long soundcast, sponsored by a Christian radio station (enlightening for people of all spiritual traditions, or none), Rebecca interviews Jen Winkelmann, MA, LPC, NCC, an adoption-competent therapist in the Denver area. Rebecca and Jen cover, among other things:

  • How open adoption is not a magic bullet.
  • The 6 risk factors for attachment and relationship challenges, and how they affect a baby’s template.
  • Parents giving the child permission to “go there.”
  • The effect that a “meant-to-be” sentiment can have on an adopted child (such as “God brought you to us” or “you were meant to be in our family” (adoption bloggers have covered before the idea of destiny in adoption).
  • Pre-verbal memories that are formed in utero.
  • How we’re continually learning and figuring this parenting thing out at a deeper level. And we must always remain open to learning and adapting.

Yes, this is a vague post. Though we are going through tough stuff, my family and I — as Rebecca says here, “it’s hard but it’s healing.”

I’ll hang my hat on that for now.

Image courtesy of artur84 / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Ready or Not, Glasnost is Coming to Adoption

Glasnost means openness. Mikhail Gorbachev saw its inevitability and decided to get in front of the parade. Those who today patrol outdated walls that oppress people would do well to follow Gorbachev’s lead. People like NJ Governor Chris Christie, NY Assemblywoman Helene Weinstein and others who have dedicated themselves to preserving walls built on a foundation of shame are well-advised to study history and consider their own legacies.

The fall of the Berlin wallEven though the Berlin Wall fell suddenly a quarter-century ago, hastening the end of the Cold War, in hindsight we were not all that surprised. Historically we note that of course people eventually throw off shackles. Of course the human spirit cannot be contained forever. The human spirit is hard-wired to reach for light, to yearn for freedom, to crave openness. And settle for no less.

So today, during National Adoption Awareness Month, I make a bold prediction: the walls that still exist in adoption will fall not gradually and softly but in a rush. A shocking, thunderous rush, just like we saw nearly 25 years ago in Europe.

It’s coming — mark my words: openness in adoption will be here within the decade. We’ll wonder how we ever tolerated anything less.

Lori Holden in The Huffington PostThe rest of my article is over on The Huffington Post. Click to keep reading ======>

 

(I’d prefer to have your comments over there, but am leaving them open here in case that works better for you.)

Image: morguefile