Anne Heffron is a highly gifted writer. In fact, she’s spent decades teaching writing to others, amid her own struggles around identity, brokenness, self-destructive habits, and conflicting emotions about her own mother (it’s mere coincidence that my last post was on the Happy/Sad of adoption). Her memoir and first book, You Don’t Look Adopted, was published four months ago (though Anne is already an accomplished screenwriter), and I have just recently begun reading it.
I wonder if you might consider outsourcing responses to questions you get about adoption. It’s evident from your previous misguided advice that you are sometimes out of your element adoption-wise. Let me get readers up to speed on this latest request for adoption advice.
Dear Abby: Should We Let Birth Grandparents In?
Uncertain Down South said that she and her husband met their daughter’s birth parents briefly in the hospital at the time of her birth, but the birth parents wanted no further contact. Continue reading More Mucked Up Adoption Advice from Dear Abby
Question: Lori, I am trying to wrap my head around this. How do we live out Both/And from a foster care adoption perspective? Our kids were taken from their birth parents for good reason. We have all the info, the original birth certificates, case files, all of that. But no contact with birth parents. And we have been advised not to for safety reasons (the caseworker made a point of me seeing one of the parents via a one way mirror so I would know if I ever ran into him to run the other way).
I want to give our kids this wholeness. The best we have been able to do is some contact with a paternal grandmother for one child. And we know the adoptive parents of the other child’s older siblings, but we have no control over contact. So far the other adoptive parents shy away from it because it is so upsetting for their kids. No matter what we do these folks will not be a part of their lives in the every day.
How can we have openness in our situation and not split our babies? —Jenny
As part of its #AllTogetherNow campaign, Kohl’s features 19 year-old Raymond and his reunion with his birth mom after 17 years apart. Raymond finds he has a sister, born exactly 10 years after he was.
(If you find that the video is not accessible on YouTube, try clicking here.)
Both Raymond and his birth mother have responded to comments on YouTube.
Pick a side, Raymond.
Currently there are 148 comments. A common theme among many of them originates in the Either/Or mindset of the closed adoption era. Either she is your real mom or the other woman is. Which part of yourself will you embrace, Raymond, and which will you deny?
- “I hate this add [sic]. The importance he puts on his biological family is a slap in the face of the people who raised him.”