Question: Lori, I am trying to wrap my head around this. How do we live out Both/And from a foster care adoption perspective? Our kids were taken from their birth parents for good reason. We have all the info, the original birth certificates, case files, all of that. But no contact with birth parents. And we have been advised not to for safety reasons (the caseworker made a point of me seeing one of the parents via a one way mirror so I would know if I ever ran into him to run the other way).
I want to give our kids this wholeness. The best we have been able to do is some contact with a paternal grandmother for one child. And we know the adoptive parents of the other child’s older siblings, but we have no control over contact. So far the other adoptive parents shy away from it because it is so upsetting for their kids. No matter what we do these folks will not be a part of their lives in the every day.
How can we have openness in our situation and not split our babies? —Jenny
Continue reading Trying to Wrap My Head Around This
As part of its #AllTogetherNow campaign, Kohl’s features 19 year-old Raymond and his reunion with his birth mom after 17 years apart. Raymond finds he has a sister, born exactly 10 years after he was.
Both Raymond and his birth mother have responded to comments on YouTube.
Pick a side, Raymond.
Currently there are 148 comments. A common theme among many of them originates in the Either/Or mindset of the closed adoption era. Either she is your real mom or the other woman is. Which part of yourself will you embrace, Raymond, and which will you deny?
- “I hate this add [sic]. The importance he puts on his biological family is a slap in the face of the people who raised him.”
Continue reading Kohl’s Adoption Video Brings Out the Either/Or Brigade
Remember when I told you that Costco was going to cover the issue of adoptee rights in its November issue, and why?
National Adoption Awareness Month is upon us and November’s issue of The Costco Connection is hitting member mailboxes this week — but anyone can read the article online. It’s a veritable #flipthescript boost that gets people to consider the viewpoints of adopted people. Continue reading November’s Costco Magazine Helps Adoptees FliptheScript
Question: Can you talk about open adoption for foster kids who have been abused? We are about to adopt Daughter through foster care and there has been severe and repeated abuse. Birth Dad was the abuser and is in jail for it, and we’re not sure how to proceed with Birth Mom. By court order, Daughter hasn’t seen her in months, possibly a year by the time the adoption is final. I’m concerned about Birth Mom’s lack of understanding of the severity of the situation and her lack of concern for the safety and welfare of Daughter. — Kate
Guest advising today is Addison Cooper, LCSW, of Adoption at the Movies. Addison is a supervising social worker for a foster care/adoption agency, and he lives in Southern California.
Dear Kate: It’s wonderful that you’re starting from a position of wanting to be open. In any adoption, the ideal and desired outcome is a healthy openness — to the degree possible. Continue reading How to Have Openness in a Foster Adoption