I tend to believe there should be no adoption secrets. I almost always embrace the idea that truth is best, especially in matters of adoption and donor conception. People have a right to know their genetic origins in an age-appropriate way.
Normally, “age-appropriate” means “all along” for a baby/child/teen/adult, advancing the story as the person advances in age.
I’ve recently come across a situation, though, that bothers me because it’s managed to land itself in the very small gray area I have about truth-telling. And it is also an age-appropriate issue. But in this case, the affected person is in his 50s.
He was adopted as an infant in 1955. But no one told him. His parents have died, and only his cousin (my friend, also in her 50s) is left with his truth.
Should she tell? Should this man know his truth at this stage of his life?
Should she stay quiet?
Should she attempt to guess what he would want (how could anyone know what they would want in this instance?)?
Is it any of her business? Does she bear a responsibility either way?
If you have thoughts on this, I would love to hear them. My friend is listening, too.
30 Responses
I’m a firm believer of the truth. He should know. This doesn’t only affect him… there are birth parents, maybe siblings… they all have the right to know and may even be looking for him right now.
Tell him.
Me again…
Is it possible that he already knows but doesn’t think anyone else does, so he’s not letting on?
Either way, see my response above…
Good luck!
This is a tricky subject. I have a few questions:
Corey, how did you find out? Was it by accident, and if so, what are the odds of him finding out the same way? If you were told not to tell him, why? Are you sure he was adopted? (Meaning maybe you were lied to, or is this something that you’re certain of?)
Does he have a family of his own? The thought of there being medical things in his past that he’s not aware of or things he doesn’t think apply to him is pretty scary.
Personally, I would want to know. The reality is what it is, right? He is adopted, whether or not he knows about it. Knowing doesn’t really change who he is. It may change what he thinks of his past, and it may leave questions for him that cannot be unanswered (unless you know the whys, etc.), but, still, I’d rather know.
Ergo, I’d tell him. If his parents are dead, they can’t defend their reasons for this, but they also can’t attack you for telling him.
But, that’s just me! Good luck, and please give us an update!
Wow, I am so not sure. I think if it were me I would want to know but I would have rather found out when I could still speak to my “parents” rather than wonder why they never told me. I believe the world works in mysterious ways, if he is meant to know he will find out – I think the cousin will know if and when to say something. I would say she should trust her gut and if nothing else put it in writing in a safe deposit box to get it off her chest while she contemplates.
Guys, I would LOVE to hear what you all have to say about this. I am completely stuck and just don’t know what to do. And thanks to my girl Lori for putting it out to all of you.
xo
Corey
WOW! That’s a pretty heavy topic. I can’t imagine being in ANY of those positions. The Polly Anna/Rainbows and Sunshine part of me says she should tell him and all will be well. The other part says NO! Don’t do it! I ALWAYS side with Polly Anna…
*ICLW*
It is a tough one. I can see both sides – his parents are gone so he has no one to turn to and ask all those questions that are bound to spring up.
But on the other side, what if he has a suspicion? How would he feel to find out in some way and know that people around him knew and never told? I can’t help but think, if it were me, I would want to know the truth. If he and his parents had a good relationship, it won’t change his love for them.
I honestly don’t know. He might actually know and just chose to pretend otherwise. Or he could have no clue and feel horribly betrayed. Or he might not know and react by saying, “Wow, this explains so much.” I really don’t know.
Wow, that’s a hard one. It’s sad that he was never told although from that time frame I know that was a common practice.
My thoughts are though at this point if he was told he may end up feeling resentful towards his parents who kept quiet even though they are gone and the fact that at this time nothing can be done or explained about it. As much as I too always think the truth is usually best I have a tendency to think in a situation like this that maybe keeping quiet would be better. It seems at this point there is more potential for more hurt that can’t be resolved.
I couldn’t imagine not knowing. This is a tough situation to be in. I think he does need to know, but I don’t know that I would want to be the bearer of that news.
I like what Casual Perfectionist had to say. What a tough situation, though! I can’t imagine finding out after all this time. My thoughts are with you, Corey, as you try to navigate this situation.
xo
Flicka
I found out just before I turned 30 (a year after Mama passed) that I was adopted (at that point, I hadn’t spoken to my father for 10+ years). It’s news that rocks you but it doesn’t negate who your parents and family are. Love doesn’t care about DNA.
Corey, if you want to chat more, please feel free to drop me an email. :o)
You all are showing me so many facets I hadn’t seen before — and I thought I’d looked at the issue pretty thoroughly!
Thanks especially to the adoptees who are weighing in. And to everyone with great resources, compassion, and perspectives.
I will invite Corey over after the weekend to take in all the wisdom here and let us know if it helps in her decision.
I remember an analogous situation, where I found out some very terrible, life altering information about a friend, quite by accident.
Here’s where I landed. When we consider the act of truth telling, it’s worth it to take note of not just our outward aims, but our inward ones.
Obviously there’s the outward aim of telling someone the truth. Which is a good and noble thing to do. We should all live truthful lives. We believe the truth sets us free. We believe the truth will out, always.
But, there’s an inward aim. As I thought about my friend in the midst of this awful secret, there was also the idea that I had this information that was a terrible burden, and I did not know what to do with it. It weighed, very heavily.
In telling the affected parties, I would have relieved myself of the burden, placing it on them, to free myself. I would be in effect, confessing to free myself. And truly, that didn’t seem right.
I went and told someone I trusted. Not the affected people. I explained that this was a heavy burden and I could not carry it alone, but did not feel it was right to possibly ruin and turn to chaos, some one’s life, to make myself feel more free.
Families have skeletons in the closet. All families. Perhaps it is best sometimes, especially when those skeletons are old, to leave them be, and focus on living lives that don’t add to the skeletons that already exist.
There’s a chance at this age that his bio parents are still alive, but as time goes by that chance will get smaller and smaller.
What if the cousin tries to keep it a secret for a while then ends up telling later. Then what if he tries to locate a bio parent and discovers that they have just died? He and the cousin will both regret the delay forever.
I say tell, and tell now. It’s been too long already, but later it might be too late.
Wow, that is a really really really hard situation, especially because there is no way to unring that bell once he’s told. I guess I would step back and look at the reason for telling and how it could affect his life (or not–you simply don’t know what his reaction will be).
I’m not sure what I’d do. I just know that folks from my Dad’s family and his generation (they’re in their 60’s now) has some really different ideas about adoption and families. My Dad’s mother was adopted by her aunt and uncle when she was little and apparently it caused some rift in the family. It was a “secret” for a while – one of those secrets that some people know but don’t talk about. Even now, when my Dad is doing his genealogy research he worries about connecting with distant family members from the “other” side of the family because they may not want to talk to him. This boggles my mind as I think “who the heck even remembers that old news?!” But it’s still quite sensitive for him (for reasons that still aren’t entirely clear to me – I admit) and perhaps for others in the family tree as well.
What a stumper.
I fall more on the side of saying he has a right to know and she has an obligation to tell him.
I’d point her toward < HREF="https://www.latediscovery.org/" REL="nofollow">Late Discovery<>. It was founded as a resource for adults like him, who discover their adopted status later in life. The website and its founder could be a good source of information for her as she considers how and when to talk to him, and for him after the telling.
I pulled some tarot cards for Corey and her cousin for some insight into this situation. The first card was Judgement (sic) Reversed.
Judgement (reversed) can mean indecision, procrastination, refusal to let go, etc. This card represents Corey’s feelings about the situation.
There is a feeling that once the cat is out of the bag, there is no retracting the statement. Then what happens? How will he take it? Will it cause more good than bad or vice versa?
What beliefs do you (Corey) have about someone being adopted? Does your cousin share your beliefs? Would he feel deceived? relieved? shocked? calmed? It’s hard to tell, but the caution here is not to let your beliefs cast a shadow on him.
When I pulled cards for your cousin, I pulled the 2 of Wands and the Page of Swords (both in a reversed position).
The 2 of Wands (reversed) represents feeling disillusioned. No matter whether you tell him or not, he feels that something doesn’t quite add up.
The Page of Swords (reversed) indicates a couple of things to me. Pages are young people. As a child, your cousin may have been a “thinker.” The confusing thing for him is that no matter how logical he was, he still couldn’t make sense of the feelings he had. It could also mean that he already knows and is embarrassed about it or doesn’t want others to know.
The second meaning may be that if he doesn’t know, he may not believe you. Do you have proof or could you find out for sure before you approach him?
And one other thing keeps popping into my mind…a hypothetical situation. The form this might take is asking him what he would do if he were the person who knew. What would he do?
When I asked one last question, “Should Corey tell her cousin?” I got the 5 of Pentacles (reversed), which would mean that telling him would help him re-connect spiritually to something that he has longed for for a long time.
You will know in your heart what is right for you and for your cousin. Although it may be shocking, there will be healing too, probably much more than you can even imagine.
Being adopted myself and having found my biological parents, by choice, I am a bit torn on this one too. I have a friend who found out in his thirties that he had been adopted. It literally blew his family apart. He moved from Colorado to distance himself from his adoptive parents and as far as I know severed the relationship. It is so sad because he and his dad to that point had been very close. IT was ironically enough by a cousin that he found out. At fifty I think it is best to leave him with the memories of his parents that he has without tainting them. There is a reason his parents chose not to tell him and although it is easy to say honesty should have dictated that they tell him, they were from an earlier generation and a different view of adoption.
Having found my own bio parents has been a VERY mixed blessing. Some of the genies should have been left in the bottle.
Oh goodness. It’s unfair for her, because I don’t think she should have the burden of responsibility.
On one hand I would say tell, because it could help any children or future generations on his side health-wise. But then again, I say don’t tell because with his parents being gone, he’ll just be left with questions and possible anger.
I hope she finds peace with her decision.
I would tell him.
I’ve written and erased all my justifications and reasons and explanations, but they rang hollow when I re-read them.
I do agree that it could be absolutely devastating for him to learn this information later in life and that the fall-out could be huge. At the same time, though, it could also be a huge relief if he’s had even the slightest suspicion or feeling over the years.
More importantly, to me at least, is that this is HIS story. He should be given the chance to choose how that story ends – either with acceptance of things or with some searching/questioning or with a combination of the two. But wow, talk about a hard situation.
Like my mama always said, telling the truth in the first place is always easier than trying to work around a lie (or omission) later. It makes me so glad that most adoptive parents are encouraged so strongly, now, to be open and honest.
If it were me who were adopted I’d want to know, but I don’t know that it’s her right to tell, or how he’ll handle it at this age without his parents around to even answer many of the questions he’ll have. Now he’ll just have additional anger and questions about why they kept this from him, and not be able to resolve that?
I also worry that while I don’t like that they never told, maybe the parents had a reason for not telling, or there’s something about the birth parents that isn’t good – there may be legitimate reasons that’ll hurt him worse if he starts digging.
I just think that if it were me, and someone opened that all up to me at 50, I might be more pissed than anything for the uprooting of everything I thought I knew. Right now he knows a life that is probably just fine. Does it really have to be turned upside down at 50?
Gosh, I don’t know. I have a friend whose dad was told he was adopted in his late 30’s. My friend believes that the knowledge really messed him up perhaps, in part, because his parents weren’t very affectionate and his birth mom is. I don’t really know his story, but my friend has a nice, loving relationship with her birth-grandmother.
My best wishes to Corey and her friend.
This question might be better served if it were asked to an a group of adoptees. To know the truth of oneself’s origins, despite possible heartache, might put to rest some nagging feelings he ever possessed and possibly give him happiness of some other connections out there.
This has the power to change his whole world- and to leave him powerless to ask the why and how, because the people who could best answer are all dead.
I don’t know if I would want to know. Such a rough decision!
Do you have any updates on this?
Hi all. First off, let me say thank you for the outpouring of support and compassion you are all clearly feeling, and also showing. So thank you, thank you all. My cousin is a very spiritual person. He feels that he has a deep connection to “the other side” and has been visited by his mom, who he loves very much. I on the other hand am not a spiritual person. That being said, I certainly love and connect with the people in my life, including my cousin. I don’t remember being told that he was adopted, it was something that I simply always knew, and also knew not to tell. The years went by, and geography came between us, and the next thing you know we are 53 going on 54. I suspect that at some point when the two of us are together, the organic solution to this problem will just come to me, and I will either speak or make a decision to not speak. Our relationship will be my guide. Neither solution is completely clean or easy, but I do trust myself to make the right decision, at the right time. If I decide to tell my cousin and I get his permission, I will share the rest of the story with all of you. Until then, again, let me send you all my love and gratitude.
xo
Corey
Lies and secrets are toxic. And disrespectful.
This man is close to my age. He’s an adult, one I assume is capable of running his own life, thinking critically and rationally, understanding complex circumstances, facing challenges.
The idea that he might need to have his own fundamental truth kept from him is pretty offensive. He’s not a child.
I can’t imagine being in Corey’s position.
She can’t speak for his adoptive parents. They’re not alive—and it’s beyond sad that they never told him the truth.
She can’t speak for his bio family. Only his bio mother might know and not want anything to do with him. Nor might the rest of the family.
As an adoptee who never had children I resent the assertation that it’s more important for somebody with children to know. If they’re birth children they share the same DNA and might help each other if needed for DNA purposes. A single adoptee without a birth family has nobody—and our lives are important too. Health histories from the 1950’s are flawed. i won’t get into that.
Corey needs to tell because Corey doesn’t know whether or not this knowledge will become an incredible burden, and really it’s the right thing do.