Can a Birth Mom and Adoptive Mom from the Closed Era Coexist?
And if so, how?
Clare is a first mom who was found this year by her adult son. She left a comment recently, one that led to our email exchange. She recognizes that the readers here are savvy and sage, and that she might be able to tap into well-considered viewpoints from all parts of the adoption constellation.
I am considering sending a letter to my son’s parents and asking if they would like to meet with me for us to get to know each other a bit more and to help clear the air.
My son reached out to me in January and we have messaged back and forth, had phone conversations, and have met and spent time in person 3 times since then. His Mom is having a very difficult time dealing with this.
I feel called to reach out to her and to offer my love and understanding. I’m just not sure it will be well received. I don’t know if this could make things worse, which I absolutely do not want to do.
I’m just wondering what other’s perspective are on this situation. His Mom is having a hard time understanding why he wants/needs a relationship with me. She feels threatened and vulnerable. My son loves his parents and doesn’t want to cause them hurt & pain, but also wants to develop a relationship with me & my daughters.
To be fair his parents really don’t know much about me. We only met once, the day legal documents were signed and they picked up our son. I don’t want them to feel like I’m inserting myself into the middle of their family. I just would like to find some middle ground so we can all to have a better comfort level with each other.
I’d really like perspective from other adoptive parents so I can try to approach this situation in a more informed way and to help make it a positive interaction.
How Do You Help Someone Stop Being Afraid?
When you read Clare’s comments on the previous post, you can see she is motivated by a desire to help her son be whole, to not split his love or loyalties. She knows that his mom becoming further antagoned will hurt him, so she wishes to tread carefully, mindfully.
So Readers, what are some ways to help an adoptive parent move from an Either/Or mindset to a Both/And heartset? What is within Clare’s power to do to help her son’s adoptive mom shift from feeling fearful of her and insecure about her place in her son’s life to being open to her son’s emerging relationship with Clare?
Help Me Help My Son
My main concern is that well being of our son. Obviously if his parents feel better about the situation it will also be easier on him.
I would love feedback from varying perspectives. It really helps me process the situation. I’m an analytical thinker so breaking down everyone’s emotions and feelings would be therapeutic for me.
What are the main points you would make in Clare’s letter?
I thank you in advance for offering your insights. Please remember that the goal of your comment should be to help Clare.