Category Archives: Infertility

Breaking Hope

Either Hope is fickle or I am. Our relationship, especially during my days of attempting to resolve infertility, was a contentious one. I pinned so much on Hope.

We’re revisiting posts about “hope” for Time Warp Tuesday, the monthly blog hop offered by Kathy at Bereaved and Blessed.

Kathy directs us to find an old blog entry :

It might be a post where you wrote about something you hoped for, how hope got you through a difficult or uncertain time in your life or more generally what hope means to you. Then write a new post on your blog about why you chose the post that you did and what has happened in your life since.

I dug through this blog’s archives and couldn’t find a post that fit the bill. But I knew I’d written about Hope (that bi+ch). I finally found a few posts on a different blog, an early one that details my infertility journey. I found three related posts in which my relationship with Hope arcs and resolves over the course of 3 years.

  • Hope-less: Failure to Thrive. Today I began to die. I feel alone. I’ve tried to get over my dreams to have a family, and we’ve talked about some alternatives, but we don’t seem to be able to pursue any. Now, the future literally doesn’t exist for me.
  • Hope-neutral: Treading Water. The problem with the method of dying I’ve chosen is the time it takes to do it — weeks or months of willful dying when the body is programmed to live. I feel like the dark curtain has lifted, in spite of my best intentions, and I probably will survive this funk.
  • Walking away from Hope: Fertility, Take Two. Only after a painful and final breakup was I able to move forward. Deciding on another IF treatment would be like betting your 401K on a ground sloth that somehow wandered onto the track at Belmont…Such a firmly rooted dream is not easy to pull up and discard. My pillow is wet for months on end.

With that I began dealing with my world as it was and not as I hoped and wished it would be. I am now a mom to two amazing tweenagers, whom I have parented since Day 1 (give or take). Somehow, I managed to get everything I longed for — after resolving my dysfunctional relationship with Hope.

Click over to Time Warp Tuesday to read more posts about hope, and maybe even add your own (even if it’s no longer Tuesday).

Infertility and adoption on the Super Bitter Infertiles podcast

Pee on all the thingsI got to be part of a podcast recently with the Super Bitter Infertiles. As part of her Faces of ALI series,  JJiraffe interviewed me, along with Mo and Cristy (Shelley was on vacation and I didn’t get to “meet” her).

We laughed, we cried. It was better than Cats.

The gals chat first about TTC (trying to conceive) stuff, then I join the party at 44:00 for about 25 minutes.

We talk about:

  • Why I don’t blog in real time when significant storylines in my life are unfolding.
  • The hard-stop of my TTC  journey and how it almost killed me. But didn’t!
  • What two things I did to survive my failure-to-thrive period.
  • The book that put me back in the driver’s seat, family-building-wise.
  • How to avoid splitting-the-baby.
  • How — and why — I embraced open adoption.

The gals then top off the podcast dishing about Snooki, Holly Madison, Honey Boo Boo’s mama, a Kardashian (the one whose name starts with a K), Megan Fox, and a bunch of other names that I can legitimately put in this post and thusly show up more often in search engines. Thanks, ladies!

How do they make bitter so fun?

(Available for download on iTunes, as well.)

Take a listen and subscribe to future podcasts of the Super Bitter Infertiles.

The Odd Life of Timothy Green: entertaining for kids, adoptive families & infertile people?

Does anyone else remember gathering around the television on Sunday evenings for the Wonderful World of Disney? For decades, Disney issued only 3-6 films a year, so seeing one of its shows was a special event. Production started ramping up in 1994, when Disney premiered 9 new films. In 1997 there were 12 new Disney movies and in 2000 there were  24 (!). Disney has 15 films listed for release in 2012. With such quantity, could it possibly be difficult to maintain quality?
Continue reading The Odd Life of Timothy Green: entertaining for kids, adoptive families & infertile people?


An open letter to ministers, yoga teachers, rabbis, spin instructors, pastors, adjunct professors, priests, zumba instructors, imams, motivational speakers, reverends and anyone addressing mothers and fathers in mid-May or mid-June.

Dear Person at the Front of the Room,

I know you worked really hard on that homily about Mother’s Day / Father’s Day. It’s a time of joy and appreciation and community for almost everyone in the room. Thank you for your special sentiments to soothe those in your audience who don’t have their mothers / fathers accessible to them. It’s a nice touch to bring in that compassion.

outliers on mothers dayYou may not know this, but there are likely other outliers receiving your message. That 30-something lady who pulled the tissues out of her purse and filled up three of them with tears and snot? That man who had to excuse himself awkwardly? That woman who tried to hide the fact that she was sobbing on her yoga mat?

These are people who desperately WANT to be a mother or father. To join the parenting club at long last. To have the cards and commercials and 30% off sales apply to them. To bring into their lives what others are able to effortlessly.  These are the outliers in your audience. Let me  tell you about some of them.

  • Could be a woman who found out this morning that her third IVF attempt didn’t work — no line on the pee stick. To make matters worse, she turns 35 next week and her medical chart will be marked AMA — advanced maternal age. Her prospects for success with future treatments looks unbearably bleak.
  • Could be a couple who has been waiting in an adoption pool for 28 months. Each period she has, each turn of the calendar page, marks another month their prayers have gone unanswered.
  • Could be a couple who finally thought they were to be admitted to the Mother’s Day / Father’s Day club, but whose hopes ended in a miscarriage.
  • Could be a couple whose planned surrogate is suddenly unavailable to them.
  • Could be a man who wore the title of Dad for a few months — until his baby died.
  • Could be a woman who experienced an unexpected pregnancy and took the course to place her baby in the arms of another mother.
  • Could be a couple who has exhausted their options and who has resigned themselves to live childfree. Not so much by choice as by circumstance.

I know you didn’t know. Why would you, unless you or a loved had experienced this type of loss? I suspect that if you knew you were also addressing outliers, you would include compassion for them in your message. Now you know.

For more mid-May letters and messages, see  The Infertility Voice and the Open Adoption Bloggers Roundtable.

Image courtesy OpenClips via Creative Commons 1.0


Lori Holden's book coverLori Holden, mom of a teen son and a teen daughter, blogs from Denver. Her book, The Open-Hearted Way to Open Adoption: Helping Your Child Grow Up Whole, is available through your favorite online bookseller and makes a thoughtful anytime gift for the adoptive families in your life.