Triad View: Through Anifish’s eyes

I’m curious how my children might view their adoption stories when they are grown. Here’s an example of how adoption looks to Anifish, a woman who was adopted as an infant in the late 1960s.

This post can be found in its original form at Soul of Adoption on a thread entitled The Picking and Choosing of the Perfect Child. Anifish blogs here.

Adoption today is turning into a swap meet.

I picture this dirty swap meet a place where people go to shop for a child. Different vendors are everywhere, all of them making promises for the perfect setup, the perfect agreement. They specialize in one type of product. Theirs is better then the rest, and they promise to be competitive, but some still believe even though this is a swap meet that “You get what you pay for.” Some products are just downright cheap. Depends on the product. And there are many to choose from.

So I see all these shoppers. Some know exactly what they want. There are even some sections that carry slightly used products — but not many — and there are not many shoppers in the used section.

There is a section with warning labels. These products have been sitting on the shelf for awhile in the slightly used section because so many people want to buy new. Just when a buyer is ready to make a purchase warning label section, many change their minds to find a more suitable product that fits their lifestyle and personality the best. I mean really we all want the perfect match, don’t we?

Then there are the vendors who carry the manufacturer along to help with the purchase. The manufacturers stand by their product and will sell to only certain types of clients. This is a different section then the rest. It has a unique spark. Here the buyers are on display, showing all the bells and whistles they have. The best one gets chosen, with buyers’ lining up to purchase the prize that the manufacturers have produced. These manufacturers hold the product with care and love and really do not ever lose the product–they can check in when they want because it is in the purchase agreement.

For the most part this section is very productive and works in favor of both the manufacturers and the product and the buyer. But there are always those who take advantage of this section.Yet this could be great section.

Then there are the imports. These are usually older models, not usually new, maybe a few months old. These usually do not come with a manual or history of manufacturers, and they come from poorer countries. But the worth is just the same. This section is also very busy.

You have to see how the products are shelved by the vendors.

  • by race
  • by color
  • by sex
  • by eye color
  • by temperament
  • by warning labels and potential side effects
  • by age

You get the picture. In the end all these products have the same worth.

The swap meet is busy and prosperous. This item is big, this item is wanted, this item is unique, but they are all essentially the same.

This post is in regards to how adoption makes me feel sometimes. I could have been the one with the warning label on its forehead. “Potential side effects may occur.” I might have been one of the items that did not cut it — no buyer wanted to take a chance with the side effects. I could have been one of the items that ended up never going home with a buyer. And with many others I would have stayed on the dusty shelf. Losing my value everyday after that. Eventually I would not even be glanced at. The vendor would eventually move me to the junkyard. And my value and worth would never be looked at again and eventually I would be worthless with the other worthless items. All because someone was not willing to just love me, take a chance that they were the only thing I needed to flourish and grow. All I needed was love.

And I am sorry the old saying about you can’t buy love. Well it is true, but people want the perfect love. Can the shoppers unconditionally love a product that comes with no guarantee?

Every one of us is different, unique and you cannot put a price on us. You also cannot pick us out. We are all the same, a product of unique creation.

It does not matter what section you purchase us from. To us we are all the same. Priceless and beautiful. In our own unique way. I wish I could create a place that was just as unique as we are, a place that honors each of us as individuals. A place where we are safe from having labels applied to us, where we were not separated by manufacturer or vendor criteria, where the only cost in obtaining us was the pain of our loss to our creator. Which can never be repaid.

That place will never come to be when the buyers are wanting that certain one. There will be a lot of precious items with warning labels sitting on the shelves. In this world they are not looked upon as equal in value.

HUMAN VALUE, THE KIND YOU CAN NOT BUY.

Many adoptive parents have used the “chosen child” concept with their child, the idea that the child was chosen either for them or by them. Anifish’s perspective challenges me to see this explanation through adopted eyes.

The image of sitting on a shelf and waiting to be chosen is haunting to me. Waiting for your flaws to be exposed. Waiting to see if you measure up. Waiting to see if you’ll be accepted or rejected. This is an idea I don’t want to plant in my children.

Much as I hate to admit it, Anifish’s viewpoint makes sense to me. We DID a lot of research about our adoption path. We DID worry about what fate would bring us (as we would have with pregnancy, but this is a nuance lost on a child). There WERE certain criteria we didn’t want to face making a decision about.

I can rationalize and explain everything with a grown up mind, but the same situation looks very different from an adopted child’s mind.

I am grateful to Anifish for letting me see. Through her eyes.

Birthfamily boys

My son, who is 4, has been very interested in his birth family lately — especially the male members.

About a year ago, Reed came across some photos of him as a newborn with his cradle care family (he was with them for about 2 weeks). Reed asked who the two small boys were in the photos, and my mom told him they were his foster brothers. Since then, Reed’s been fascinated with the idea that he has brothers somewhere.

He’s also been asking about AJ, his firstfather. We plan to contact AJ for the first time soon to see if he’s up for any kind of relationship. We’ve already cleared this plan with Reed’s firstmom, Michele.

The big news is that Michele, who got married last summer, is pregnant! She’s got a lot going on, with her move out of state and the new baby.

Reed was thrilled with this announcement. Well, he clarifed, he WILL be thrilled if this is a boy. But NOT if the baby is a girl.

We hope to see Michele before she moves. It has been over two years since our last get together.

Image: DBC Collectibles

Mother’s Day — how it all started

I was awakened this morning by the person who made me a mom — and I’m going to share all the gory details.

No X-rating here. This person was Crystal, Tessa’s birthmom (she’s OK with this term, so I use it when referring to her).

Crystal chirped into to phone, “Happy Mother’s Day to the best mom in the world!” Which means a lot, coming from the mom of Ty — one of the best behaved 10 year-olds I’ve ever met.

We caught up with each other…her work is going well and she loves living independently with Ty in their own place. She’s crazy-busy and loving it.

As always, we revisit the chain of events that brought us together. We talk about Tessa’s school, her bike-riding, her swim lessons, the latest examples of her will of steel and tendency for drama. Crystal always offers sympathy that I am raising a daughter who is just like she was.

And she is grateful. Six years after we met, Crystal still feels that raising Tessa in the toxic environment that was Crystal+Joe (birth father) would have been disastrous for all three of them — and Ty. She insists we are much better equipped to deal wish such a willful, impulsive child than she was.

I hope she’s right. Tessa’s nature is definitely different from my own. I get the willful part (ask my mom), but impulsiveness it not one of my own traits. As I raise Tessa with our nurture, I strive to be aware of her nature, and to successfully merge the two.

To Crystal and Michele, to my own Mom and Lisa, to GG and Grandma (two RIPs), to my aunts Deni and Pattie and Mrs D (mother figures who continue to bless me) — I honor you on this day.

adoption, parenting, mindfulness, open adoption