Letter Writer: Hello, Lori. I just read your post about rejection by a biological mother, and I was hoping you might be able to give me some input. Recently I discovered I am a product of both rape and incest.
In the early 1970s I was adopted as an infant. Three months ago a geneticist confirmed that my biological parents are either full siblings or a father and daughter.
I had always known I was adopted, but had no idea this was my story. In fact, my adoptive parents had been given a social history about my biological parents that was a completely fabricated. The truth? My birth mother was raped and got pregnant with me.
A Shock, To Say the Least
The geneticist used public records to put together a family tree. I know my biological mother’s name and where she lives. Using this information, I discovered that my birth mother worked at a sexual abuse support center and even participated in a board of inquiry into sexual abuse in her community. That was about 20 years ago.
I am seeking input on whether a woman in her situation would want to hear from her child. As well, I found out she has children who aren’t much younger than me.
If I make contact, it could feel like a lot dumped on the plates of my birth mother and for my siblings (who are also my nieces/nephews). A complicating factor is, as I said, that their community was the site of a governmental inquiry into systemic sexual abuse in religious institutions and in families. Their mother (my mother!) has been public with her story of abuse.
I’m in a Facebook group for NPE adoptees ( Not Parent Expected — people who get this type of unexpected DNA results). This happens more commonly that anyone would think. Unfortunately, there aren’t that many resources. So let me ask:
Is it okay to reach out to my mother and siblings? I’m not sure what to do.
— Millie
Much to Integrate and Navigate
Oh, Millie. It sounds like you have been carrying a big weight about your origins, and I hope you can find more of your truth. You have a lot to process. And so, it seems, do your birth mother and your siblings, which makes your situation especially complicated to navigate.
You asked, Would she want to hear from her child? From what I’ve gleaned listening to first moms over the years, many, many would.
But not all.
I don’t have any clear advice other than this observation, which I offer without judgment: you sound focused on their feelings and needs, and I’ve heard adoptees say it’s okay — even right — to put your feelings and needs at the center.
I know, though, that these feelings are intertwined, and that no one wants to unwittingly walk into the fire of rejection.
As far as reaching out to your siblings, I’m thinking these adults (in their 40s if my math is correct) should be capable of handling an inquiry from you. And if they aren’t, that’s on them, not on you.
Dearth of Help for those Conceived in Rape & Incest
You say there are currently not many resources for people who discover they were conceived by rape and incest. I suspect a body of work on this subject will begin to emerge as more people like you come out of the shadow of misplaced shame.
Until then, let’s look to the readers here who are both compassionate and wise.
Readers: Do you have thoughts on Millie’s questions?
- Would Millie’s biological mother want to hear from her child?
- What insight and advice do you have to offer?
- What should she do and how should she do it?
See Also
- International Society of Genetic Genealogy Wiki: Unexpected Results (lots of great articles here!)
- Amanda Transue-Woolston’s Tough Conception Circumstances and How I Decided Not to Know
- My Birth Mother Rejected Me. How Do I Get Over This?
- Lorraine Dusky’s Why do some first/birth mothers reject reunion?
- Triona Guidry’s Secondary Rejection In Reunion: An Adoptee Perspective
- Claudia Corrigan D’Arcy’s Secondary Adoptee Rejection in Adoption Reunions
- Anthology: Adoption Reunion in the Social Media Age
About this Open Adoption Advice Column
- I am not a therapist. Please do not rely on words in this space to make your own major or minor decisions.
- Readers, please weigh in thoughtfully and respectfully. This is a teaching endeavor, not a shaming endeavor. We we aim to bring light rather than heat. People do the best they can with what they have to work with, and our goal is to give folks more to work with.
- Send in your own open adoption question for consideration.
Lori Holden, mom of a young adult daughter and a young adult son, writes from Denver. She was honored as an Angel in Adoption® by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption Institute.
Her first book, The Open-Hearted Way to Open Adoption: Helping Your Child Grow Up Whole, makes a thoughtful anytime gift for the adoptive families in your life. Her second book, Standing Room Only: How to Be THAT Yoga Teacher is now available in paperback, and her third book, Adoption Unfiltered, is now available through your favorite bookseller!
Find Lori’s books on her Amazon Author page and catch episodes of Adoption: The Long View wherever you get your podcasts.
13 Responses
Yes contact her. Look first and foremost we must exist first as our parents son or daughter before we can be anything else to anyone else. You are your mother and father’s child before you can be someone’s sister aunt cousin, wife, neighbor, doctor, teacher, whatever. So don’t worry at the moment about how you are related to others. I have met and dealt with other parents seeking reunion who are hesitant and afraid to contact their child because of the back story and yet they long for their son or daughter just as any parent who lost a child to adoption would. Reach out and do her and you a favor and diffuse the situation immediately and say look I know enough of the back story to know its not more important than meeting you and having a relationship with you you are my mother and our family buisness can stay in our family I love you for you and don’t think I don’t want to know you because of this. It will be OK we can still have a good time getting to know eachother.
tell her if she wants to she can tell her friends your dad was a boy from school or the milk man whatever makes her comfortable enough to just relax be your mother because she is and really screw the rest of the world if they can’t see your both still human still normal and still at the end of the day mother and daughter good luck.
Pretty much what City said in their first comment, I would do it via a letter tucked inside a card addressed to her. I would ask for a response regardless of whether she wants to meet you or not, whether it takes her a while to be able to reach back that you’re there. (make sure you give her multiple ways to get in touch).
I do think what she’s done since bodes well in your favor as it isn’t something she’s buried deep inside her. On the other hand, don’t panic if you don’t get a response right away, just because you are now ready, remember that she deserves the time to catch up.
(adoptee)
I am the person who sent Lori the letter, and I wanted to thank her for publishing it.
With some help from a genealogical geneticist, I was able to find my biological mother’s actual name and the community where she lives. I found the two possible addresses, and sent to short note to both via registered mail.
I haven’t gotten any reply, but as it wasn’t that long ago that the letters were posted, I’m not surprised. The last thing I want to do is cause her any more pain.
I could be wrong, but I have a feeling I will never hear back from her. The only response of any kind I’ve ever gotten from nay of my biological family was a sentence on ancestry for a cousin match. She said “you look like me” and that was it.
Good for you, you’re very brave. Cautiously hoping for a response. You’ll find the adoptee community very welcoming if you haven’t already joined.
What a complicated situation without an easy answer. I see above that she sent the letter. Sending a lot of good thoughts that you receive an answer back.
After contacting my birth mother, I found out that I was conceived after a date rape. While yes, the situation can be extremely painful, some mothers are able to see past the pain to express love to their children regardless of the conception circumstances.
It’s true there are not a lot of sources of support for people in this situation, though there are some. There is a secret Facebook group on this topic, for example. If you’d like to know more, let me know how to communicate with you privately.
Alcedinidae – I am in the same boat as you. Currently my mother wants no contact. I have found 5 half siblings. 3 are interested in connecting, 2 are not. I would be interested in your Facebook group. How do I get in touch with you?
Hi WEP. The admin of the group on Facebook can send you an invite. How do we find you there?
Please send me an email and I will provide Facebook name. I am uncomfortable posting that info on a public website.
[email protected]
Done!
I am the product of a NPE. I do not know, and likely will never know the full extent of what happened between my bio parents. Was it incest? Absolutely. Was it rape? Likely, but I will never know.
DNAngels assisted me using my Ancestry profile and raw data. They verified my bio mom was actually my bio mom. Within 1 hour, they narrowed by bio dad to 1 of my 2 uncles or my grandfather.
The next day, less than 24 hours, I was contacted via FB Messenger, that with 100% certainty my bio dad was my grandfather.
Quite a shock. Through my half-brother I was able to communicate with my bio mom. She made it very clear that she wanted no communication with me after talking about any family medical issues.
To Millie,
By all means attempt to contact your bio mom. If you don’t contact her it may eat at you for not doing it. Secondly, if you don’t contact her, you may not know whether she would want to talk or meet you. Lastly, you could miss out on learning something in your bio family with medical conditions.
Hi,
I agree, she should contact, but make sure to first seek help to deal with possible rejection. I think that there is a chance the bio mom will want to connect. So yes contact but seek the help of a professional therapist first.
As an adoptee, Myself, I am very happy that I came to a place Of amazing and glorious self love. This is The key: Self compassion. Then I am able To give myself all the love and validation I Need and much more that I could ever want. I can focus on my life. I do not need any type Of validation from any biological parent or family. Who I am comes from me. I take full Responsibility for my own safety, security And happiness. I can finally after so many Years of searching and wondering, can Go on with my life. If there is a low Hanging fruit, an opportunity to Know anything about these people, I would take it, but I would not, and I No longer feel a need to go out of my Way. Thank you so much for posting And sharing!