Tag Archives: open adoption advice

When the Birth Dad Says He’s Not

Question: My spouse and I believe in openness in adoption and are practicing it in all ways possible. With the birth mother’s side of the family, it has worked out in a way that suits all of us.

The birth father in this case refuses to acknowledge paternity. The twins are now at an age (6 years old) where they are curious about their birth father. I have told them I do not know much, which is the truth. I am looking for advice from folks who have walked this path on how to go about making children understand the truth of their situation?       — Laila

open adoption advice

Birds and Bees

Dear Laila: Your kids are young so you’ll need to keep it simple for now. Have you had the “birds and bees” talk with them yet? It will come up with birth father talk, as they go hand-in-hand. Continue reading When the Birth Dad Says He’s Not

My Kid Has No Adoption Issues. That a Problem?

Question:  My daughter is 8 and really, it feels as though she’s having no adoption issues. None at all. Is it possible for her to just be well adjusted about adoption?     — Laurel

open adoption adviceDear Laurel: I do believe it’s possible. We should welcome, recognize and show gratitude when our kids are seemingly well-adjusted. Enjoy the ease you are experiencing in parenting.

But wait — there’s more!

Adoption Attuned Parenting Gets You Partway There

So congratulations, Laurel. Not only do you have a child who seems to have a high EQ (emotional intelligence quotient), I surmise from knowing you online for years that you are a parent with a high AQ (adoption attunement quotient). With these two ingredients — a child’s EQ and a parent’s AQ — you may experience smoother sailing than some other adoptive families. (And that’s OK, in spite of the groans of envy that may ensue.)

Let me make a few more points.

Myth: If Parents Do Things “Right,” There Will Be No Problems

You deserve a pat on the back for your ability and willingness to attune to your daughter — truly, like tuning an old-school radio until you’re able to hear things just right. She is no doubt benefiting from having such a close relationship with you, from feeling safe and connected through your attention and efforts.

aq adoption attuned parenting

But I also want to dispel the notion people sometimes have — subconsciously — that if you do things “right” your child will have no issues.  And the other notion that If your child has issues, it’s because you are not doing things “right.”

While it’s great that you’re doing things “right,” the other part of the equation is that your daughter is able to do a lot of her own work, tuning in to herself, tapping into her own resilience. I wrote about resilience — why some have it and some don’t — in this excerpt, the foreword to the book Adoption Therapy. Like so many innate traits and talents, some kids come by it more easily than others do.

You get some of the credit but not all (not that you were asking for credit).  And parents with struggling kiddos don’t get all of the blame.

Drop Pebbles Every So Often

One thing we know about people and relationships is that things are always in flux; things can change over time as people go in and out of stages of life. While we never want to plant or create issues where there previously were none, we do want to detect issues if they arise.

For this reason, I suggest you keep “dropping pebbles.” This is a a technique covered by Holly van Gulden and Lisa M. Bartels-Rabb in Real Parents, Real Children: Parenting the Adopted Child. In essence, it means you throw out possible conversation starters and see if your daughter is ready to pick up any. This is a way of spreading out the emotional charge for your child (and maybe for you).

Dropping a pebble might look like this, while driving by The Hospital: Oh, look. This is the hospital where you were born. Wait, be silent, and see if your daughter picks up your pebble with thoughts/feelings on her birth, her birth mother, her coming home with you, or anything else.

The goal of dropping pebbles goes beyond discovering what she thinks, however. That, of course, gives you a keyhole into what’s going on in her mind. But even deeper is helping her access what she feels. The more we can help our children bring forth their emotions in a safe way, the less likely the emotions are to be suppressed and come out later in surprising and uncontrollable ways.

So bottom line, yes it’s possible for an adoptive parent to raise a child who is relatively issue-less. (a) It’s not all you, and (b) stay attuned in case issues do come up.

See also:

Dear Readers, what say you?


About this Open Adoption Advice Column

  • I may occasionally call on others to help with answers, to tap into group wisdom.
  • I am not trained as a therapist. Please do not rely on words in this space to make your own major or minor decisions.
  • Readers are encouraged to weigh in thoughtfully and respectfully. I ask everyone to remember that this is a teaching endeavor rather than a shaming endeavor, and that we aim to bring light rather than heat. It’s my belief that people do the best they can with what they have to work with, and our goal is to give folks more to work with.

Send in your own open adoption question. I’ll either offer an answer or find someone who can address your issue.

How Do We Adopt a Baby Fast?

Question: After talking it over quite a lot, my husband and I are not open to open adoption. I am concerned because we are almost in our 40s. Do you have any tips on doing a fast adoption regardless of the costs?       ~~ Cyndi (pseudonym)
open adoption advice

I am publishing this brief letter not to lambaste the asker, but to help her — and others who may google similar search terms — to see a deeper way of looking at infant adoption.  Respectful comments are welcomed. Comments that shame are not. Continue reading How Do We Adopt a Baby Fast?