Category Archives: Adoptee

Articles that explore the viewpoint of adoptees, as well as ideas of special concern to parents who are raising an adopted child.

Adoptees & the Covid-19 Pandemic: A Guide for Parents

So many of you read and appreciated Sara Easterly’s last guest post. I was thrilled when Sara offered her thoughts what adoptive parents need to know about adoptees and the Covid-19 pandemic that affects us all.

We are all under stress, encountering disruption and disconnection as never before. Sara’s guest post addresses the fears today’s adopted children may be experiencing and the messages they need to receive from parents.

Sara’s insights come as an adoptee as well as a staff member and at the Neufeld Institute, which provides education and training for an attachment-based developmental model. Read on…

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“I Want My Real Mom!” — says Sara Easterly

Ever on the lookout, I love finding adoptee voices that help me better understand the mosaic that is the adoptee experience. So many generous adoptees over the years have made an inestimable difference in the way I connect with my children. My entire family benefits when I listen to understand.

Enter Sara Easterly. Sara is new on my radar, but already an accomplished author and writer. I met Sara last month at the Tattered Cover for an author event around her new memoir, Searching for Mom. In this guest post, Sara explores a word that can roll off the tongue just as easily as it can pierce a heart, with or without that intention.

Sometimes, as Sara tells us, that word can be a sacred invitation to abide with someone in their grief.

when real interferes with intimacy in adoptive parenting
Continue reading “I Want My Real Mom!” — says Sara Easterly

I am a Product of Rape & Incest. Should I Contact Birth Family?

Letter Writer: Hello, Lori. I just read your post about rejection by a biological mother, and I was hoping you might be able to give me some input. Recently I discovered I am a product of both rape and incest.

In the early 1970s I was adopted as an infant. Three months ago a geneticist confirmed that my biological parents are either full siblings or a father and daughter.

I had always known I was adopted, but had no idea this was my story. In fact, my adoptive parents had been given a social history about my biological parents that was a completely fabricated. The truth? My birth mother was raped and got pregnant with me.

A Shock, To Say the Least

The geneticist used public records to put together a family tree. I know my biological mother’s name and where she lives. Using this information, I discovered that my birth mother worked at a sexual abuse support center and even participated in a board of inquiry into sexual abuse in her community. That was about 20 years ago.

I am seeking input on whether a woman in her situation would want to hear from her child. As well, I found out she has children who aren’t much younger than me.

If I make contact, it could feel like a lot dumped on the plates of my birth mother and for my siblings (who are also my nieces/nephews). A complicating factor is, as I said, that their community was the site of a governmental inquiry into systemic sexual abuse in religious institutions and in families. Their mother (my mother!) has been public with her story of abuse.

I’m in a Facebook group for NPE adoptees ( Not Parent Expected — people who get this type of unexpected DNA results). This happens more commonly that anyone would think. Unfortunately, there aren’t that many resources. So let me ask:

Is it okay to reach out to my mother and siblings? I’m not sure what to do.

— Millie

Much to Integrate and Navigate

Continue reading I am a Product of Rape & Incest. Should I Contact Birth Family?