Our Son’s Birth Mom Wants Too Much: Part 1

Letter Writer: We adopted a baby boy almost a year ago. Initially, Bianca (birth mother) wanted a closed adoption, but a week after the Charlie was born, she changed her mind to an open one. We thought we were up for that, but in our first year, it feels like our son’s birth mom wants too much.

At first our relationship was mostly by text — Bianca would constantly ask me for pictures, and when I didn’t respond immediately, she would text again asking for more. I had to draw some boundaries and say I would update her with pictures once a week.

That soon became too much, especially when things got busy for me with my seasonal work. I had to switch to updating her with a longer update over email once a month, but still encouraged her to text me anytime and that we weren’t backing out of our agreement.

There’s more, but first, help us understand why she is being so intense.

— Carla

Hi, Carla. Thanks for writing. Take a deep breath and prepare to be OK being uncomfortable. I’m going to ask you to be willing to stretch yourself and shift your perspective.

Continue reading Our Son’s Birth Mom Wants Too Much: Part 1

“I Want My Real Mom!” — says Sara Easterly

Ever on the lookout, I love finding adoptee voices that help me better understand the mosaic that is the adoptee experience. So many generous adoptees over the years have made an inestimable difference in the way I connect with my children. My entire family benefits when I listen to understand.

Enter Sara Easterly. Sara is new on my radar, but already an accomplished author and writer. I met Sara last month at the Tattered Cover for an author event around her new memoir, Searching for Mom. In this guest post, Sara explores a word that can roll off the tongue just as easily as it can pierce a heart, with or without that intention.

Sometimes, as Sara tells us, that word can be a sacred invitation to abide with someone in their grief.

when real interferes with intimacy in adoptive parenting
Continue reading “I Want My Real Mom!” — says Sara Easterly

It’s 2020. Why Do We Still Suck at Adoption Telling?

How do I tell my child he’s adopted? And when?

Rant: I’m frustrated that these questions still come up (and surprised because my readers are adoption-savvy, so I start thinking everyone is). Who is preparing adoptive parents for adoption telling? And who should be preparing them? What can we do for the current and next generation of adoptees to help them own their story from their very beginning?

The move toward openness in adoption started in the 1980s, which means for more than 40 years we have been morphing from shame, secrecy, and walls of closed adoption => to => truth, disclosure, and doors of open adoption.

But time alone doesn’t mean all adoptive parents and hopeful adoptive parents have gotten the message of dealing in truth and openness. The adoption professionals who are launching these moms and dads into the world of adoptive parenting are not, as a group, doing a good-enough job preparing their paying clients to parent with openness and disclosure (there are definitely some exceptions).

adoption telling from a wall to a door
Continue reading It’s 2020. Why Do We Still Suck at Adoption Telling?

adoption, parenting, mindfulness, open adoption