Category Archives: Adoptive parenting

CLOSURE Film: Review & Special Denver Screening Information

Angela Tucker is a transracial adoptee who joined a family in the Pacific Northwest after being born in the South and placed into the foster care system. Closure is a film that documents Angela’s two-year search for her birth family and its efect on her, her adoptive family, her husband, and, of course, members of her birth family.

Denver Showing Offers Q&A with Angela Tucker & Filmmaker Bryan Tucker

A special Denver screening of this film will take place on May 7 and May 8, sponsored by the Colorado Department of Human Services and Adoption Options in celebration of Foster Care Month. These events begin at 7 pm and are held at the Sie Film Center at 2510 E Colfax. Due to limited space, advance tickets are highly recommended.

What makes this screening so special? Angela Tucker and filmmaker Bryan Tucker will appear after the film’s showing to answer audience questions.

And I’ll be joining their panel the evening of May 8. I’d love to see you there.

Angela Tucker film ClosureClosure is a gripping story full of emotional highs and lows, and it gives adoptive parents like me a peek into the hidden wonderings adoptees can have about their origins and the pressures they may feel to act on their curiosity — or not to.

From Either/Or to Both/And

As Angela’s story unfolds, I witnessed how some members of her adoptive family began in an Either/Or mindset — either WE’re her family or THEY are. But out of their love for Angela, these same people were eventually able to cultivate a Both/And heartset. For example, Angela’s adoptive sister asks, “Aren’t our parents enough?” And Angela’s mom says early on, “I did worry about being replaced as a mom because I wasn’t sure I could handle that because they were MY kids.”

But later, Angela’s mom says, “As Angela got older I really felt deeply like I was her mom. In her 20s I realized it wasn’t going to change my status as being her mom if she found her birth mother. And I became as curious as her. Who was her birth mother? What’s her story?”

The power of family member’s love for Angela and their security in her love for them help make the crucial shift that supports Angela in her pursuits. I adore this depiction, and wish all adopting and adoptive parents could see how easily such a shift can be made.

I’ll leave you in suspense about how birth family relationships develop. Who is found? How meandering is the search? Who embraces Angela and who denies her? What happens at first meetings? What happens after that?

I urge you to watch this film (if you’re not able to attend the screening, you may also rent or buy the film, starting at $4.99)

The theater is small and the event is expected to sell out, so get your tickets now.

“For the rest of my life I’ll be connected”

I’ll share two more quotes from Angela’s birth family members that stood out for me.

  • What you do in the dark will come to the light. She thought this secret would never come to light. She needs to get over it…She needs to forgive herself. Once she forgives herself, then the lines of communication will be open.
  • Through a child one day, we all got connected whether we knew it or not. We were connected. For the rest of my life I’ll be connected.

Angela Tucker blogs at The Adopted Life and will return to Colorado this summer to mentor young adoptees at the African Caribbean Heritage Camp.

Dam. Open Adoption is Hard.

I’ve had difficulty writing weighty and/or witty posts on this blog for months now (you could arguably say longer — ha!). If has finally occurred to me there is a reason for the struggle:

rough times in open adoptionI’ve been actively not writing about something.

It’s a big thing that feels, now that I realize it’s there, like a large and hard-as-concrete dam that’s been holding back everything creative and curious in me.

I’m still not going to write about this emerging narrative. It’s overwhelming, it’s scary, it will be long-lasting, it’s hard, it’s sensitive, it’s not wholly mine, and for all these reasons I can’t process it in this space the way I sometimes do with other issues.

I will say this.

Parenting after you’ve adopted is flippin’ hard.

It’s just hard as children grow into increasingly sentient and emotional beings. You start out thinking you have some measure of control over things, but then you remember your job is to help your children become independent and able to function completely without you. And you see that a sense of control is largely a fallacy anyway — there are so so so so many variables and you influence only a portion of them.

The parenting journey — especially when overlaying it with an adoption component — can be messy, unpredictable, hairy, frustrating, sob-worthy, tear-your-hair-out-because-you-don’t-know-what-to-do, flipppin’, freakin’ hard.

And yet…

Open adoption is not the cause of the problem.

And open adoption is also not the solution in this particular case. Though contact can make things messier (relationships are messy! People have different viewpoints and opinions than I do — go  figure), the trade-off for the added turmoil is knowledge and support and insight and maybe even some other benefits that await discovery as our tale unfolds.

I still believe that openness is preferable to the alternative — being in denial or in the dark or closing my heart to vulnerability and authenticity.  (By “openness” I refer more to the spirit we parent with rather than the type and amount of contact with birth family members, though contact can be a part of it.) The root issue facing our family constellation would exist whether our adoptions were open or closed — and even whether or not there had been an adoption in the first place.

To offer it (yes, a nebulous “it”) up in the abstract, though, I offer you this recent podcast by my friend Rebecca Vahle of  the Parker Adventist Family to Family Adoption Support Program. Rebecca launched this program at a local hospital nine years ago and is now bringing it to hospitals all over the country as they strive to become more adoption-competent. As Rebecca says, this much-needed program is one last opportunity on the path of an adoption placement to ensure that patients and clients make decisions based on knowledge and education — the program does not have a stake in whether or not a woman (and possibly her partner) decides to place.

We all know that knowledge and education are vital to making good decisions for ourselves and for our children. Please Like on Facebook the Adoption Perspectives Radio Show so that you have easy access to more insightful interviews.

It’s hard to have been adopted

In this hour-long soundcast, sponsored by a Christian radio station (enlightening for people of all spiritual traditions, or none), Rebecca interviews Jen Winkelmann, MA, LPC, NCC, an adoption-competent therapist in the Denver area. Rebecca and Jen cover, among other things:

  • How open adoption is not a magic bullet.
  • The 6 risk factors for attachment and relationship challenges, and how they affect a baby’s template.
  • Parents giving the child permission to “go there.”
  • The effect that a “meant-to-be” sentiment can have on an adopted child (such as “God brought you to us” or “you were meant to be in our family” (adoption bloggers have covered before the idea of destiny in adoption).
  • Pre-verbal memories that are formed in utero.
  • How we’re continually learning and figuring this parenting thing out at a deeper level. And we must always remain open to learning and adapting.

Yes, this is a vague post. Though we are going through tough stuff, my family and I — as Rebecca says here, “it’s hard but it’s healing.”

I’ll hang my hat on that for now.

Image courtesy of artur84 / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Have you heard about re-homing adopted children?

Did you know that you can give your child to a stranger without alerting anyone but a notary public? Did you know that people actually do give away children without notifying anyone but a notary public?

shatteredMegan Twohey of Reuters investigated under-the-radar child trafficking (which is technically not trafficking because no money changes hands) and NBC News shares its findings this week about Yahoo and Facebook groups that help “re-home” adopted children. According to Reuter’s analysis of the Yahoo bulletin board group Adopting-from-Disruption, at least 70 percent of the 261 children mentioned on this board — about a child a week over 5 years — were advertised as foreign-born.

The revelations are heartbreaking…

Lori Holden in The Huffington PostThe rest of my article is over on The Huffington Post.  Click to keep reading ======>

 

(I’d prefer to have your comments over there, but am leaving them open here in case that works better for you.)

Image courtesy of Suat Eman / FreeDigitalPhotos.net