When it comes to adoption, I tend to go by feel and Dawn Davenport prefers to go by data. *
Dawn founded Creating A Family, a rich resource for those impacted by infertility and those interested in adoption and other family-building methods. Its Facebook community is cross-triad, which means the group tends to keep itself in check more intentionally than groups made up of only adoptive parents or only first parents or only adoptees.
Letter Writer: Do you have any resources for a birth parent who has both parented and placed children? I know of a situation where the birth mother has an open adoption but she has never included the children she is parenting in the visits with the child she placed.
Now the parented children are 8, 10, and 15. How does she tell them they have a surprise sibling? As much as I’ve searched, I can’t seem to find such a resource to help her figure out if and how to come clean.
Letter Writer: We have multiple kids, all of whom have open adoptions. One of the open adoptions has gone awry. It was never good, but it’s gone from OK to terrible.
While we’ve kept all of the promises we made and agreed on, the birth parents have made astonishing demands, including financial and contact, that weren’t part of our agreement. As a result, they have harassed and stalked us by snail mail, online, by phone, even by using other people to do their bidding.
We’ve tried everything we can think of to help the relationship, including involving the social worker, keeping communication open, and compromising. But it hasn’t been enough. The straw that broke the camel’s back was when the birth parents threatened to come to our home to speak some really inappropriate things to our child, an infant at the time. We were then at our breaking point.
Their continued inappropriate actions were detrimental to our family. We needed a reset and asked for no contact for a period of time, but they broke that boundary as well.
We aren’t hopeful. Trust has been broken so many times, in so many ways. We never thought we’d be in this situation, the one where birth family truly is not safe. We are beyond heartbroken, especially for our son.