Category Archives: Parenting

Hashing it out on NBC: More on the Marijuana Talks

I had such fun writing my last post on talking with kids about pot, especially concocting the subheadings. But it had gotten past the length of one post, so here are some follow-on thoughts, specifically about comparing marijuana to alcohol.


Weeding out my thoughts

A few weeks ago I was interviewed about moms and kids and Colorado’s new marijuana laws by NBC’s Today Moms. The reporter was thoughtful and probing and brought up an aspect I hadn’t thought of before, a snag in my plan to simply equate using pot to drinking alcohol. Jacoba Urist asked:

Many of the moms I’ve spoken with have no problem drinking a glass wine in front of their child. But none of them would consider smoking a joint in front of them. Why do you think that is?

I had to puzzle that one out. Why would I never smoke a bowl in front of my children? I cannot fathom ever doing so. But why — why the immediate and viscerally strong reaction to that idea?

What would your answer to the reporter’s question be?

Parenting: marijuana vs alcohol

Put that in your pipe and smoke it.

For me it’s not the taking-the-edge off aspect. The kids know I have a nightly glass of wine and that I relax a bit because of it. If they choose to do the same one day — imbibe in moderation when they’re of legal age — I will be okay with that.

So why not feel similarly comfortable using marijuana in front of them?

Two insights eventually came to me. The first is that when it comes to alcohol vs pot, the delivery method makes a difference. There is the smoking aspect: I hope my children choose never to smoke, never to bring toxic chemicals into their lungs. I would not model the opposite.

Feed your head

Another way to use cannabis is to ingest it. But I can’t see myself making magic brownies for my husband and me and eating them in front of the kids. Or hiding them and eating them in secret.

Secondly, many people in my generation have spent our entire lives thinking drugs were bad, illicit, dangerous (indeed, sometimes we did them for those reasons!). There is an emotional charge around using pot.

I admit I have it. My kids — will they have it when they are parenting? Who knows. Much like they are digital natives and I am a digital immigrant, Tessa and Reed are growing up in a very different world than I did. I would never smoke a bong in front of my kids because in the back of my head, programmed into me by societal osmosis, is the thought: drugs are bad. Don’t pass The Bad onto your kids, Lori.

But. Wine is good! Wine is French and Italian and brings gaiety and fosters friendship and complements food (hey, cheese — you’re beautiful!) and makes for funny quips on Twitter and Pinterest. For me, and for others who have spent years drinking responsibly and in moderation, wine has no aura of being forbidden.

So my answers to Jacoba’s question include the delivery method and a subconscious judgment I carry, likely a product of my time.

What do you think? How do you feel about drinking a glass of wine vs lighting up a joint in front of kiddos? How are the two similar or different?

Image of marijuana leaves courtesy of Paul /

How to Talk with Your Tweens & Teens about Marijuana

Hello, Mary. Hello, Jane.

Like many Colorado moms, I’ve had to prepare for how to talk with my tween/teen about cannabis in light of a new law that allows adults to use marijuana recreationally. The libertarian in me is pleased that we have become more consistent in how we handle pot vs alcohol and tobacco, but the mom in me has had to figure out a few things.

After all, when we frequently drive by places with names like “Kush Club” and “Giving Tree,” the kids ask questions. And I’m grateful that they ask them of me rather than seeking answers elsewhere.

I want to keep it that way.
talk with kids about pot

Turning Over an Old Leaf

Fortunately, when you’ve had to answer other questions such as adoption-oriented*:

  • Mom, am I a bastard?
  • Why did my birth mom give me away?

Or the sex-oriented*:

  • Mom, does sex feel good?
  • Mommy, how do gay people have sex?

Or the death-oriented*:

  • What happened to Grandma Lisa after she died?
  • Mom, will you promise me you’ll never die?

…you have some simple rules to rely on.


Here are a few tips I’ve learned from addressing tricky conversations previously.

1. Have a series of little talks rather than The Big Talk. Holly van Gulden and Lisa M. Bartels-Rabb talk about “dropping pebbles,” throwing out possible conversation starters and see if your kids are ready to pick up any. This is a way of spreading out the emotional charge for your kids — and maybe for you.

With a story about marijuana on the news just about every day, there are lots of opportunities to seize on one and see if your tween joins you. A dropped pebble might sound like, People are putting marijuana in food? Look what they’re saying on this news story. Or, for the older child How many words do you know for marijuana?

Timing is tricky. You want to be the one to introduce the topic rather than having someone else beat you to it, and you also want to catch your kids while they’re still receptive to such talk coming from you. You don’t want to start too early with your child (say, under 10 or 11), but starting these talks too late can be risky (say, after 14 or 15).

Note: you know your situation best, so take all your factors into your own timing decisions.

2. Assess what is being asked and what is needed. Is your child seeking facts? Does he need assurance or direction? Is this a chance to offer asked-for guidance — the best kind? Tune in, ask questions to gain clarity, and deliver what your child needs. Keep an open stance, emotionally speaking, to let your tween know s/he can always ask you questions.

3. Decharge the topic for yourself. Deal with your own issues with the topic prior to having conversations with your child. Any emotional charge you bring to the table will affect the clarity of your message for your tween. You want to be as matter-of-fact about the subject as you can — aiming for unflusterable — which may mean you first need to do an internal assessment about your own views on marijuana usage. Parents can no longer rely on it’s illegal as a reason to not to use/abuse this drug when the child becomes an adult. Instead, parents must find ways to make their children — who will one day be grown — want to make reasoned and conscious choices now and later.

If you’ve never tried pot, tell your son why you made that decision and what the implications have been. If you have used it and you’re nervous about revealing so, figure out how to defuse that within yourself so you can be up front, appropriately, with your daughter.

If asked directly if you’ve ever used marijuana, it’s highly important not to lie. Never lie to your child. You can deflect (or try to): Time to get ready for basketball practice. You can privatize: That’s private for now. You can temper: Yes, I experimented, or There was a time in my life when I did. You can buy time: Yes, and I’d like to tell you about that sometime. This gives you a chance to figure out how to best handle (and perhaps ask your own counsel of wise people in the mean time*).

But never never never lie to your child. Your kid’s trust in you is too important to risk losing.

4. Use “What’s In It For Me” reasons (and me = your child). You could  preach on morality terms (good people don’t do drugs). You could strike fear over eventually becoming that person who runs out of veins to shoot heroin into and has no teeth (the gateway aspect).

But more powerful are the more practical and imminent aspects — why should your child choose not to use pot? Remind your teen:

  • Marijuana use is illegal for minors. If you choose to use, the consequences to you (your teen) could be dramatic — legally, financially, reputation-wise, and time-wise.
  • Marijuana use has physical implications. Research with your teen just what happens to the lungs, the brain, the circulatory, nervous and respiratory systems, the reflexes, and the energy level, when one uses marijuana. Stick with facts and fight the urge to opine so that you keep your own emotional charge from coming into your conversation. You want your child to make this decision for him/her, rather than for you because the former can be a more enduring and sustainable stance.
  • Marijuana use could have other consequences regarding athletics, academics and work performance. It can add difficulty to your life while taking away the ability to care about and rectify it. Make this a two-way dialog in which your tween imagines ways that pot use can affect one’s life.
  • When judgment is impaired, there can be life-changing consequences regarding situations like driving a car, having sex, and getting involved peripherally with other people while they have impaired judgment. Talk with your teen about how it would be to face such a situation (a car accident, having sex not-so-intentionally or even being raped, being caught driving while impaired) and how choosing not to use pot helps avoid these potentially devastating scenes.

The ever green message

The message I will continue imparting to my kids is that I want them to live mindfully and intentionally. Like water dripping steadily on rock, I aim to etch into their psyches these sentiments:

“If you’re getting stoned (or drunk) to escape your problems or numb your feelings, that isn’t the same as actually dealing with your problems and feelings. In fact, that adds a layer of problems for you to also feel bad about later. So let’s just deal as things come up. And not let things happen to you accidentally because you’ve abdicated your role as chief in your own life.

“And as for peer pressure, this is why it’s so important to be able to find your core, your center, your inner voice that can tell you if something is a good idea or not — for YOU, not for your acquaintances and friends, who tend to come and go throughout your life. YOU will be with you forever. Tune into YOU. Think about consequences to YOU.”

By now you’re probably realizing these tips are less about pot (or adoption or sex or death) and more about connecting with your growing-up child. And when it’s high time for you to have such talks with your growing-up child, now you have some tools to use.

What are you plans for the Pot Talks?

More resources:

* Joint effort: In many cases I’ve had help from wise people on the Internet and in real life. Thanks (you know who you are).

Image generated at Weedmaps, used with permission.

Does Open Adoption Get Easier?

Last week I led workshops on openness in adoption in Seattle, Portland and Eugene (OR) for an agency whose values closely align with my own, Open Adoption & Family Services.* The staff members at all three offices were incredibly hospitious (to employ a term Jim Gritter coined about using the hospitality model in adoption), as were Monika and Heather, who generously opened their homes to me and let me hang out with their delightful family members.

The Portland workshop was attended by my bloggy friends Heather, JoAnne, Liz and Lisa. One of the questions that came up from the general audience, a woman who is preparing to adopt, is the question the Open Adoption Bloggers now puts forth to you:

Does open adoption get easier?

It was another participant who gave this insightful answer — in the form of another question: Does marriage get any easier?

Things change and get different. Comparing something at the beginning of a journey to something seemingly similar later down the line is like comparing apples and oranges.

And as someone told me when my kids were little and I was exhausted, wondering if parenting gets any easier, “little people little problems; big people big problems.”

I didn’t really get that notion back then. It had been years since I’d slept through the night. I was with the kids, not yet in school, all day. There was crying, frustration, and boredom (not to mention what the kids were experiencing). When my husband came home from work each evening I often felt like hiding in a closet for awhile just to be alone and regain sanity. The problems from this era did not seem small. They seemed huge and unrelenting.

Now I sometimes sleep through the night. The kids are in school much of the day, much of the year. And still we have issues and angst. Bigger issues and bigger angst with higher stakes. We are constantly negotiating household rules. We are helping the kids navigate school and friendships and relationships with teachers and coaches and each other. We have health concerns, treatment plans with the orthodontist, disagreements about fashion and makeup and high fructose corn syrup, negotiations about shower time, bed time, screen time. We mediate between our kids and with neighbor kids. We teach, we model, we teach more and model more. Are we teaching and modeling all the right things? Will we have covered all the important lessons before they are ready to leave home? In less than a decade?

They will be ready to leave home one day, right? We will raise them to be independent, won’t we?

Hence why I don’t always sleep through the night.

So I can’t say that parenting has gotten easier. I can say that it’s gotten different.

Maybe our open adoptions have gotten not easier but better. When we started we had just one first parent around — Crystal. Since then we have connected with Tessa’s birth father, Joe. After talking with AJ on the phone for a few years, we finally got to meet Reed’s birth father (and his parents, wife and daughter) for the first time when he came to town this summer. And we have hopes in seeing Reed’s first mom in the coming months.

The relationships with the people who created our children are gradually shifting from me as caretaker to Tessa and Reed as the owner-operators. So my role is also changing. Whereas my prime responsibility was at first to maintain a wide-open conduit between our family and our children’s birth parents and make sure there was no corrosion, I am now moving into more of a consultant role. As Tessa and Reed begin to helm their own relationships with Crystal and Joe, with Michele and AJ, I will be on hand to assist as requested, to comfort if needed, and to abide, always to abide.

As John F Kennedy advised, “Do not pray for easy lives. Pray to be stronger people” (gender neutralization mine).


 Some scenes from my night in Seattle.

Lori Holden leads open adoption workshop

Open Adoption & Family Services adoption workshop

Open adoption agency and workshop with Lori Holden

 Monika and the Seattle staff of Open Adoption & Family Services.

* Check these out on the Open Adoption & Family Services website:

Oversharenting: Are you guilty of it on Facebook?

The Today Show aired a segment this week that highlighted STFU, Parents, a site run by Blair Koenig. The blog, born in March of 2009 (from its About page),

…is a submission-based “public service” blog that mocks parent overshare on social networking sites…The site serves as a guide for parents on what NOT to post about their kids as well as a forum for non-parents to vent about their TMI-related frustrations…The blog covers a range of topics, from placenta smoothies to lessons in potty training to bouts with puberty, and never aims to be hateful or mean-spirited.

Last week, Blair shed her anonymity by appearing on The Ricki Lake Show. Coincidentally, she also just announced that her blog-to-book is coming out in April (Perigee Press).

I saw the teaser for the interview on my way out the door and it hooked me, even though the blogger and her blog had barely been on my radar. I try not to have anything to do with mocking for the simple reason that I don’t like being mocked (who does? I suppose some think any attention is good attention). When I returned to my computer I looked up the clip and found it sociologically fascinating. By that I mean I wonder what sociologists in 2052 or 2082 will conclude about our collective psyches at this point in the evolution of the human community.

The fodder for Blair’s site comes only from social media sites, not blogs. In fact, Blair said on The Ricki Lake Show that she recommends that people instead start a blog because it’s doesn’t hold an audience captive the way Facebook does (Facebook holds you captive?).

I poked around the site and yes, I found evidence of poop posts, mommyjacking (a commenter hijacks a thread out of eagerness to talk about her own child), sanctimommy (a holier-than-thou insertion to a Facebook discussion), and, as billed, things you can do with your placenta when your baby is done using it.

Finding the line
The most thought-provoking line comes at the end: “There’s a difference between sharing and oversharing.”

How do we draw the line between the two?

Carolyn Savage, author of Inconcievable and contributor for The Today Show website, shares 7 tips on doing so. Basically, if sharing has to do with nether regions or bodily functions, DON’T. And you should click over to read what she says about posting news of your children because, well, she had to navigate a verrrrrrry tricky story in writing her book and respecting the boundaries of the people involved.

My own decision-making process is to run possibly oversharing posts through series of sieves, attributed to Zen Buddhists, Quakers, and Rotarians:

  • Is it true?
  • Is it kind?
  • Is it necessary?
  • Does it improve on silence?

Just the act of pouring one’s thoughts through a sieve accomplishes what Blair Koenig suggests toward the end of the interview. To paraphrase, she preaches to post with awareness because it’s not just about you. Your words affect not only the children you’re writing about but also the people whose streams you show up in.

I bet that just one moment of reflection and self-awareness would reduce STFU’s fodder by at least half (and spellchecker/grammar checker would clean up half again). Much of the time when people post about their kids, they are doing it simply to feed their own egos — myself included. There’s nothing wrong with that unless the feeding comes at the kid’s expense. THIS is what requires the test of the sieves, the awareness, the mindfulness.

So why do I feel a little bit dirty after perusing STFU, Parents?
Is it mean-spirited? Only 12% of Today‘s audience say yes.  On one hand, I like to gawk, even though I don’t go out of my way to find train wrecks to gawk at. On the other hand, I would be mortified to recognize my own words on this site. I looked through my Facebook and Twitter streams to see if I could envision any of my kid-oriented proclamations on STFU. Could these get me ridiculed for oversharing?


AYCE crab legs

OK, so neither improves on silence. And neither were necessary (would anything on Facebook be considered necessary?). But, may I point out that both are free of grammar and spelling errors?

In spite of the site’s About claim, it does feel mean-spirited — toward people who, through ignorance or their own insecurities, have opened themselves up to it. The people on Blair Koenig’s site don’t know they’re being skewered (an assumption on my part). Even though the site anonymizes its subjects, the ridiculing happens without their permission or knowledge. Maybe the latter is a merciful thing.

But who am I to judge, really? I have not always been pure of heart on social media. I can’t say with 100% confidence that I didn’t get a chuckle at the possible expense of my children with these two examples. Maybe my sins aren’t as egregious as those of the poop moms, but that’s just a question of degree.

Have you been guilty of oversharenting? Where is your line between sharing and over sharing?

I am deliberately not posting links because I do not want to appear to endorse the practices of STFU, Parents. Nor do I condemn them. I think the study of how we relate with each other online is fascinating, though. If you want to know more about this blog or the bloggers appearances, a little googling is all you’ll need.