My son speaks adoption language at school

by Lori Lavender Luz on October 5, 2010

in Adoptee,Adoption,Adoptive parenting,Reed

“Your mom doesn’t look like you at ALL,” said the second-grader to my son.

From my perch on a chair much too small for my bottom, I looked at the girl’s desk to find out her name, written in teacher-tidy print. Joy.

“That’s ’cause she aDOPTED me,” Reed told his classmate across the table.

And that’s how Take-Your-Parent-to-School day began.


Now I knew, in the abstract, that school presents new challenges for adoptees to navigate. I just didn’t know, really know, that such challenges would be presented to my children.

It was over before I even saw it coming. I was secretly pleased at my son’s choice of words. Did you notice he didn’t say, “That’s ’cause I’m adopted”? He said, “That’s ’cause she adopted me.”

It’s a subtle difference. I have always hoped that my children would see adoption as a word to describe what their parents DID rather than who they WERE. Verb versus adjective. Not self-definition.

But is that a distinction that we adoptive parents cling to, shoe-horning space between the two phrases just to make us feel like we’re doing something right by using sensitive and sensible language?

Or, as some adoptees say, does it matter not a whit? Tomayto/tomahto, is adopted/was adopted?


“Why do you think Joy said that?” I whispered to Reed later as the class walked single-file to Library.

“I dunno,” he shrugged. “Maybe because your hair is darker than mine.”

“What do you think of that?” I probed.

“I think people have different hair.”

We arrived at the library and that was that.


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{ 51 comments… read them below or add one }

Kristin October 5, 2010 at 8:14 am

You have a very smart son Lori!


Lavender Luz October 5, 2010 at 11:11 am

Thanks, Kristin. I love him sooooo much!


Leigh October 5, 2010 at 8:22 am

Another great post!! First of all, how annoying of that Joy :)

I’m so proud of how he handled himself. And even though I can’t see his face in the pic, it still looks adorable!!

I am not someone who typically spends too much time thinking about adoption language, and yet I’m coming across it often in blog posts so it’s making me think more. And I do see the distinction in what you write here. One describes an action that occurred in the past, the other describes him. Big difference indeed.


Lavender Luz October 5, 2010 at 11:12 am

It was so hard for me to block out his face because his smile is simply dazzling!

I tried not to be annoyed at Joy, but I did not succeed. ;-)


a October 5, 2010 at 8:50 am

I think that’s a distinction that only the adoptee can make, though. Do they find the active form (my parents adopted me) more comfortable than the passive form (I was adopted)? I would guess that many parents, like you, would be more comfortable with the active form because it implies something different to you.

It does sound like your boy is at ease with the concept, though. That can only be due to your (and your husband’s) influence. Also, as Kristin said, he sounds like a smart boy.


Lavender Luz October 5, 2010 at 11:17 am

You’re right. It really only matters to the adoptee, not so much to us.

And we have not hammered in any one way of talking about adoption. We’ve simply been consistent in saying that we adopted them. And that turned out to be Reed’s default verbiage.

It begs the question: does language beget though or does thought beget language? Or are the two inseparable?


It is what it is October 5, 2010 at 8:56 am

As an adult adoptee I can say, that while I would likely prefer this language should we ever be blessed to adopt a child, I used “I was adopted” or “I’m adopted” to describe myself or my origins to others. It wasn’t a conscious decision so much as how it came out. I’ve always known I was adopted and I’ve always viewed it as part of my story (since I have zero connection to my birth store, per se (and that is something else to consider, the lack of a birth story, in the lives of many adoptees especially in closed or semi-open adoptions where the adoptive parents were not present at the birth)). And, as part of my story, it has always felt inextricably woven into my view of who I am. I am many things, Italian, Taurus, Adopted. No sweat :)


Lavender Luz October 5, 2010 at 11:18 am

An excellent point. Adopted is one of many, MANY words to describe a person, and need not carry any more weight than the others.


Kir October 5, 2010 at 9:51 am

first, even with his face not visable..the LOVE and JOY in that picture made me “SIGH” out loud!

and I love how he answered, see what your love and openness about adoption has given you….the gift of those words from Reed…I am just overcome with emotion about that.

what a great story, what a great little boy Lori


Lavender Luz October 5, 2010 at 11:20 am
Suzy October 5, 2010 at 10:04 am

He is one smart cookie.


Lavender Luz October 5, 2010 at 11:21 am

And comfortable in his own skin. Wish I’d been so in 2nd grade!


JJ October 5, 2010 at 10:30 am

What a neat moment–you have one amazing kiddo, Lori!


Lavender Luz October 5, 2010 at 11:21 am

Thanks, JJ. I am truly blessed.


Ziggy October 5, 2010 at 11:01 am

“I think people have different hair.”

omg I LOVE Reed!! You and R have raised quite a smart little boy :)


Lavender Luz October 5, 2010 at 11:22 am

I loved when he said that, too.

You called him R! Woot! Ziggy’s all growed up :-)


Tonya October 5, 2010 at 12:13 pm

What a great post!

I’m always a little surprised (and very proud) when my daughter treats adoption so very matter of factly — although she has reached the point where she is sometimes frustrated that people don’t understand adoption (specifically that not everyone knows what a birth mom or birth dad is.)


Lori Lavender Luz October 6, 2010 at 8:41 am

You’re on to something, Tonya. I think that “normalizing” adoption, for ourselves and for our children, is a wonderful gift we give them.


JoAnne Bennett October 5, 2010 at 1:30 pm

As an adoptee, until recently, I thought I always treated that I was adopted as matter of fact too. Perhaps because my brother so close in age was also adopted at birth. We leaned a lot on each other as young children, but never talked about being adopted. I do remember asking over and over again the same simple questions for example, “How much did I weigh, etc.,? But looking back, I see now that using the word “adoption” in a conversation was forbidden in our home. I love hearing different adoptive parents’ perspectives that believe discussing adoption openly and freely is a healthy part of raising adoptive children.


Lori Lavender Luz October 6, 2010 at 8:43 am

Your words carry a lot of weight with me. I have always felt that “what we resist persists,” and that forbidding a topic gives it power. Thanks for your insight, JoAnne.


luna October 5, 2010 at 1:46 pm

what a sweet, smart boy. love him!

and yes, your subtle influence has seeped through in the most positive way.

that photo is awesome, even without seeing his face. xo


Lori Lavender Luz October 6, 2010 at 8:46 am

Thanks, Luna! I know you were able to see behind the block in your mind’s eye. XO to you, too!


Martha@A Sense of Humor is Essential October 5, 2010 at 2:04 pm

Thank you for sharing the insight and intelligence, (wit too!) of your son. Great photo, love how he is hugging you. Thanks for the birthday greetings, mwah!


Lori Lavender Luz October 6, 2010 at 8:46 am

Mwah back, Martha!


andy October 5, 2010 at 4:17 pm

What a great kid you have!

As an adoptee and an adoptive mom, I find myself using 2 different sets of words! For myself, I use “I am adopted” like it’s something that is still going on, but for Liam tend to use more “he was adopted” or “we adopted him”.

It’s kinda of odd…..


Lori Lavender Luz October 6, 2010 at 8:50 am

That’s so interesting! Do those two views feel different to you? Or are they just two different ways to say the same thing?

I’d be interested in a post about this — it’s a fascinating observation.


Kathy October 5, 2010 at 4:41 pm

Lori, you never cease to amaze me. You are simply one of the best moms I have the pleasure of knowing. Your kids are truly blessed.


Lori Lavender Luz October 6, 2010 at 8:50 am

Kathy, like you, I learned everything I know at the Ol Stuga School of Parenting.



Rhonda Rankin October 5, 2010 at 5:36 pm

Years ago I had a friend that was adopted. He always told me that being adopted made him feel special. When I asked exactly why that was, he told me it was because he was “chosen.” I think that is a good way to make your kids feel.


Lori Lavender Luz October 6, 2010 at 8:53 am

Another adult adoptee told me the same thing just this week.

But some of the adoption guidebooks say that the notion of being “chosen” can be a burden to bear, and makes a person feel “different” rather than “special.”

It kind of goes against the normalizing notion I’m aiming for, but I know that “being chosen” has been beneficial for many adoptees.

This is another idea I’d like to explore further.


cynthia October 6, 2010 at 7:24 am

Damn I love me some straightforward boy action. Great story.


Lori Lavender Luz October 6, 2010 at 8:54 am

Yes, simplicity is grand sometimes! Thanks for chiming in, Cynthia.


Quiet Dreams October 6, 2010 at 10:11 am

What an amazing kid. “People have different hair.” I love it.


Lavender Luz October 13, 2010 at 9:39 pm

:-). It was hard not to squeeze him right then and there.


Fiona October 6, 2010 at 9:10 pm

Smart kid – must have one fabulously smart momma! My hubby said that for him it just was what it always was…. that’s how we’ve always had with our kids too when they ask about when daddy was a baby or anything related to birth we always talk about adoption. Just is what it is and is a beautiful thing!


Lavender Luz October 13, 2010 at 9:43 pm

“It is what it is” — we say that a lot around here, too!


Dora October 7, 2010 at 6:38 pm

Love this post. And your smart boy.

“I think people have different hair.”

For obvious reasons, I love this. I so hope that as Sunshine gets older, she is as at ease with her origins and how we became a family as Reed is. You are one of my “go to” moms, Lori. I’m so glad I got to meet Reed and Tessa.

Ummmm, can you email me that photo unblocked, so I can see that dazzling smile? I’ll trade you for some nakey bath video of Sunshine.


Lavender Luz October 13, 2010 at 9:43 pm

You got it.

And I LOVE the Sunshine video — saweet!


Liz October 9, 2010 at 3:44 pm

The linguist in me says celebrate the word choice. The tone (that I inferred) said it all, though. Great anecdote!


Lavender Luz October 13, 2010 at 9:44 pm

Thanks, Liz :-)


Sheri October 11, 2010 at 6:05 pm

Subtle: “Adopted vs. Was adopted”

(Sometimes it’s those subtle differences that make ALL the difference in the world.)

Brilliant: “I think people have different hair.”

Way to go, Reed!


Lavender Luz October 13, 2010 at 9:45 pm

I’ll tell him you said so. Or you can tell him next time we see you.


battynurse October 12, 2010 at 12:29 am

I love it. When it’s just part of life it’s not such a consuming part of life it seems.
I have to say that I don’t recall anyone ever telling me I looked nothing like my parents. So either it never happened or it was so insignificant I don’t remember it. But then I always thought of myself as that I was adopted, not that I am adopted. Perspective is so much.


Lavender Luz October 13, 2010 at 9:46 pm

It’s interesting what a big difference two small words can make.


loribeth October 13, 2010 at 7:14 pm

And a little child shall lead them…! ; )


Lavender Luz October 13, 2010 at 9:47 pm

Nice way to put it, Loribeth!


Linda October 13, 2010 at 9:13 pm

Most adoptees DETEST the term “chosen child”. We were not chosen. Our adoptive parents chose to adopt us, but they did NOT choose us. if we had not been available for adoption, they would have adopted a different child. If they had not chosen to adopt, I would have gone to another set of ap’s.

Please, do NOT tell your child he was “chosen”. That ranks right up there with adoptees being called “gifts”. Just be honest- that is the best thing any parent can do.


Lavender Luz October 13, 2010 at 10:23 pm

I had heard that, Linda. Though I hadn’t thought of it in the way you say, but that makes sense.

I wrote once about how my daughter was beginning to realize that had things been different, she might have been raised by either of her birth parents.

At the same time, my son was realizing that, had things been different, he might have been raised by just about anyone.

Both of those ideas must be very big to process.

Point well taken about honesty.


Jamie October 15, 2010 at 7:43 pm

That is a very wise son you have on your hands!!


rob November 19, 2010 at 9:25 am

WTG Reed (and Mom) (and Dad!)



Mamalyn November 19, 2010 at 2:34 pm

Reed is a very smart young man. Very proud of him!!


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