Early in my adoptive parenting days, when my kids were first becoming able to talk about their adoptedness, and continuing through their adolescence, I was on alert for signs that adoption had hurt them. I’d been listening to adult adoptees and I knew that this could happen. But I was determined to detect and neutralize any negative feelings that came up—as much as I could.

Well, that was pretty misguided, for a couple of reasons. One, that I would be able to neutralize any emotion with logic and reason. Emotions, especially those that come from a pre-verbal experience, just don’t work that way. Two, that it would even be advisable to try to thwart half of the spectrum of emotions – the entire half I had labeled as “negative.”

I now know there is value in feeling the full range of emotions. Feeling is a way toward healing, a truth that can go against the inclinations of well-meaning adoptive parents like me.

If you’ve ever wanted to make sure your adoptee doesn’t feel sad or mad about being adopted, if you think being a good parent is to protect your child from feeling “bad” about adoption—or anything else—you’re going to want to hear what adoptees/podcasters Lauren Fishbein and Glenna Boggs have to say.