Category Archives: Adoptive parenting

Trying to Wrap My Head Around This

Question: Lori, I am trying to wrap my head around this. How do we live out Both/And from a foster care adoption perspective? Our kids were taken from their birth parents for good reason. We have all the info, the original birth certificates, case files, all of that. But no contact with birth parents. And we have been advised not to for safety reasons (the caseworker made a point of me seeing one of the parents via a one way mirror so I would know if I ever ran into him to run the other way).

I want to give our kids this wholeness. The best we have been able to do is some contact with a paternal grandmother for one child. And we know the adoptive parents of the other child’s older siblings, but we have no control over contact. So far the other adoptive parents shy away from it because it is so upsetting for their kids. No matter what we do these folks will not be a part of their lives in the every day.

How can we have openness in our situation and not split our babies? —Jenny

openness in foster adoption

Continue reading Trying to Wrap My Head Around This

Where is the Oversharing Line in Our Adoption Stories?

Question: I just read your article and am an adoptive mom to a beautiful 10 month old boy named Quinton. We have a good relationship with the birth parents and have stayed connected though we reside across the country from them.

We tell almost everyone that Quinton is adopted, often because people exclaim how much he looks like both me and my husband. We feel no shame and only gratitude and pride in and for this beautiful child. But your article gave me pause — is this not my story to tell? Are you saying we should let him reveal that he was adopted to who he wants to rather than us telling them before he’s even ready to understand?

We believe so strongly in the concept of open adoption, that it is better for everyone involved if he grows up without a secret and knowing that we ALL made a loving choice for him to be raised by us.

But I see how this could be seen as me telling his story rather than my own. I mean, it is my story, too, but it certainly isn’t mine alone.

Thoughts?
Amanda

adoption privacy vs secrecy

Continue reading Where is the Oversharing Line in Our Adoption Stories?

Whose Story Is It?

Question: I am adoptive mom of two adorable kids  and I attend a monthly support group for mothers like me in my country.

We have been discussing the importance of telling the child they are adopted. Not everyone thinks it needs to be told, since in our culture (which is fairly homogeneous) you can’t always tell someone is adopted just by looking. Continue reading Whose Story Is It?



Julian Lennon Gets this Crucial Piece of Open Adoption

One might think that Julian Lennon would have a heart filled with envy for his half-brother. Sean got the full-time dad, the intact family, paternal love and attention — so many vital relationship elements denied Julian while his father lived.

As with the biblical Esau vs Jacob and Joseph vs his 11 brothers, Julian had reason to see Sean as competition — or worse, the WINNER in the competition, through no fault or merit on either son’s part. After all, John Lennon left Julian and his mother behind, favoring Sean and showering his fatherly love on his younger son.

But somehow, Julian Lennon skipped emotions of murderous envy and stayed steadily on love and conciliation.

Not only that, but in later years, Julian had to resort to buying back his father’s memorabilia (including postcards from John to Julian) which had been auctioned by Yoko Ono.

(Watch from where it’ queued up to at least 6:15 — about a minute).

Later in the same CBS interview, Julian explains why he chooses to not be angry with Yoko Ono in spite of past difficulties over his father’s estate. Continue reading Julian Lennon Gets this Crucial Piece of Open Adoption