Category Archives: Suicide

No one laughs at God

That September morning, a boy awoke excited. He was about to become a teenager. He was the eldest of his generation in the family, and he was thrilled to be the one to break this ground. Just two more days and his life would change.

He had no idea. None of us did.

It was during first period at his middle school that he was pulled out of class, along with his twin brothers in the grade below. It was probably at the same time that I got the call from my parents — his grandparents (he is my sister’s son).

His father had been found dead.

There was a letter.

This September morning — today — that same boy is again awakening, this time with an odd mixture of excitement and loss. He is about to become a man. In two days¬†he’ll be eligible to vote, he’ll be invited to register for the draft, he’ll have all the freedom and responsibilities that go with being 18.

And he marks five years finding his way without his dad. With his own resilience and the support of family and friends, this young man can finally say:

I feel content
I feel at peace
You’re so close to me
Even though you’re out of reach

Jake, my nephew, (center, with his brothers) has been grieving and healing in fits and spurts for five years now. Whereas my therapy is blogging; his is rapping. Today, he releases his latest creation, No One Laughs, with haunting backdrop by Regina Spektor. I am honored to share it with you. (Safe for Work version.)

Have a tissue box ready for the ending.

Consider this my love note to Jake, Ben and Ross today. I love you boys with my whole heart, and my love extends to everyone who has contributed to making you you.

Happy birthday, Jake.

Time Warp Tuesday: Left Behind

Let’s see…which ultimate demise shall I choose¬† — “by one’s own hand” or “eff-ing cancer”?

I’m talking about my options for Time Warp Tuesday, the monthly blog hop offered by Kathy at Bereaved and Blessed. This month’s theme is Left Behind, and our assignment is to find an old post tells what it was like to live on after the death of a loved one. And then to write a new post explaining why I chose that post and what has happened in my life since. Continue reading Time Warp Tuesday: Left Behind

Perfect Moment Monday: Second Wind

This weekend we four suited up for a cause. We participated in the Second Wind Fund Walk/Run/Ride to benefit suicide prevention. We ralked (wan?) in memory of a family member and of my husband’s student.

(Should anyone want to retro-sponsor us, here is where you’d do so.)

I’ve had some dark times. In the past I’ve considered a permanent solution to what seemed to be a permanent problem.

But here I was on this beautiful end-of-summer day. Walking with the children I feared I’d never have. In tandem with a man I thought I might never meet. Using my very capable body to do all that I do, the same body that for years I acknowledged only its betrayal.

I texted our accomplishment to my parents and sisters, whose love for me during my entire life has been as firm as the earth and as infinite as the heavens. Roger, Tessa, Reed and I munched on delicious homemade goodies at the finish line and enjoyed people-watching, dogs, magicians, Clifford.

And I wrote this blog post in my head for you, my friends who share a passion for reading and writing and living.

Walking, loving, creating, eating, moving, connecting, breathing. Being alive is just so exquisitely perfect.

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You know that dilemma that writers have? The one about being able to share their stories without revealing too much about other people’s stories?

Yeah, that.

I may or may not have experienced an additional perfect moment here.

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Perfect Moment Monday is about noticing a perfect moment rather than creating one. Perfect moments can be momentous or ordinary or somewhere in between.

Once a week we engage in mindfulness about something that is right with our world. Everyone is welcome to join. Details on how to participate are at the bottom of this post, complete with bloggy bling.

Please visit the links of the participants at the bottom.

Here’s a perfect moment from my week. I hope you’ll share yours, too.

To participate in Perfect Moment Monday:

  1. Between Sunday night and Tuesday night, write up your own Perfect Moment in a blog post, on Twitter, on Facebook, or simply leave a comment below.
  2. Grab the URL of your Perfect Moment.
  3. Use LinkyTools below to enter your blog’s name and the URL of your Perfect Moment
  4. Visit the Perfect Moments of others (from the links below), and let the writers know you were there.

Once you make a Perfect Moment post , you may place this button on your blog.

What Perfect Moment have you recently been aware of? Be sure to visit these moments and share the love, and please come back next week (click to subscribe).

Perfect Moment Monday: The Upwelling

Back home again after the events of the past week.

First, for those of you wondering, Gino is doing well. He has been an incredible support this week to those who need it most.

Second, here is a Perfect Moment from this sorrowful week. “Perfect” for me today is synonymous with”overflowing,” for that is what I felt a few days ago.

The minister dismissed us as he ended the short memorial service.

Unexpectedly, one of the Tweens (age 11) stood up and went to the podium. “Wait,” he asserted. “I have something to say.”

And he read a letter to his dad. It included love and questioning and some anger. He moved the microphone to his level and looked out at the people who were there for him. He held the room as well as any million-dollar speaker does. His timing was impeccable — we hung on his words, and even found reasons to laugh with him. He managed in his P.S. to work in an off-color quote from Slingblade and make it seem okay within the walls of the chapel.

There was not a dry eye.

I had lumps in my throat, in my chest, in the center of my head. I had lumps in my lumps. It was all I could to do keep them from exploding.

My Perfect Moment lies in his courage and clarity, and in how he completely broke open my heart.

1. Martha has two Perfect Moments: one with a 13 year-old, and one regarding the splendor of nature.

2. Susan, so not a girly-girl, celebrates the start of football season with a memory.

3. Amber says her Perfect Moment was “this morning with all of us piled in our king-sized bed snuggling, playing and talking about our day ahead. No matter what mud is slung during the day, ours always ends together talking about it on our bed.” Mmmmm. Delicious. (And you should check out her gourds.)

4. Courtney has a daily double: (1) she reconnects with and old friend, and (2) she realizes, amid heavy burdens, just how strong she is.

5. Yours…?

Write up your Perfect Moment anytime during the week, and leave your link in the comments below. I’ll keep moving the links up to the body of this post.

Once you make a Perfect Moment post, you are qualified to place this button on your blog.

Click here for last week’s collection of Perfect Moments, and consider adding this to your Google Reader.

Everyone needs a pick-me-up now and then.

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Sending out my gratitude to Amber, Andy, Anna, Antigone, Beth, Cassandra, the Casual Perfectionist, Catherine, Cathy, Chicklet, Courtney, Crystal, Deanna, Denise, Excavator, Furrow, Gabrielle, Geohde, Kim, Kristin, Leslee, Loribeth, Luna, LJ, Lollipop, M, Martha, Mary Beth, Meghan, Melissa, Michell, Millie, Mrs Spock, Ms Planner, Nancy, Pam, Phoebe, Robin and Sue, Steph, and Tammy.

Your support, love and light are even now having rippling effects in the lives of my loved ones and me.

Namaste, my friends.