Longtime readers may remember that I’m a natural-born documentarian — witness this array of journals that are in a Rubbermaid container under my bed. Each day of my life since high school is accessible with a simple lifting of a bin lid.
Justine recently excavated some of her old journals, going back in time. I decided to kick up some dust and do the same. Be prepared to cringe just a little.
High school: [Nothing too interesting, except that I kept a running list of boys I kissed. It numbered six by the time I left for college. And then it got longer and longer…I prayed to Jesus a lot in those years for certain boys to like me.]
College: Being only 17, I look at old people and feel that I’ll never get old. Then I realize that this feeling is a result of my inexperience and youth. This realization, however, shows a certain degree of wisdom that is normally acquired with age and experience.
Still in college: A guy. If I have to look for him this hard, he must not be worth finding.
After college graduation, contemplating a marriage proposal: Lately, I’ve thought I really wouldn’t mind dying. I don’t want to face all these decisions. Also, I’ve lost so much of my career ambitions and feel so purposeless. Is it going to take a brush with death for me to appreciate life? God, what’s wrong with me? This should be the happiest part of my life!
Two months before a wedding date: There are three ways to go off the high dive: (1) kicking and screaming, with someone pushing you; (2) “What the hell” — kind of dragging but on your own accord; or (3) “I can’t wait!” — real excited. Same with getting married. I was at #1 a few weeks go. When we set a date and until now, I’m at #2. Maybe by the wedding date I’ll be at #3.
[Note: this was before I met Roger. Later on I experienced #3.]
Challenger: When I heard the news I really didn’t get how tragic and devastating the space shuttle disaster would be. I know my initial blasé didn’t cause those 7 deaths, but still. Do I feel guilty? I can’t tell the difference between what I do feel and what I should feel. It does feel good, though, to be part of a mourning nation — we’ve all forgotten other differences for the moment and joined together.
Age 26: This year was tough — bad break-up, company folded, the deaths of my cousin and my dog. Yet I feel I’m on the verge of something great. My upcoming year in Japan and the guts to go do it is a positive step. I want to (as always) get closer to Jesus, reduce my dependence on others for self-worth, tone up and survive the loneliness, calling on reserves of faith. I’m looking forward!
Living in Japan, missing another Mr Wrong: What do you do when reality cannot live up to past memories or future fantasies, and someone’s absence is greater than their presence?
Age 29, in grad school: Each year goes faster than those previous. Maybe in this coming one I’ll find love. Please, Jesus.
Next up? The 30s (if I find anything worthwhile in that decade).
What’s in your journal?
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