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Our Hypothetical Heroine

When in the middle of a Poop Horror Story, our hypothetical heroine was faced with these 10 options pointed out by you, my chicken-sh*t problem-solving readers:

  • Flee and hope the next poor sap patron gets blamed.
  • Deny. Pretend like nothing happened and allow the next poor sap patron to deal with it.
  • Pretend to BE the next poor sap patron.
  • Feign ignorance about the source of the problem while pointing out the problem.
  • Grab some towels to clean up. Then do the laundry. Act as if you’re just being extra-helpful this cheery morning.
  • Fix the toilet (butt crack exposure optional) before the overflow starts. (Yeah, right, Casual McGyver and BattyGadget.)
  • Hyperventilate about the disgusting-ness. (“Check!” says our mythical heroine.)
  • Get a nametag that reads The Bathroom Flooder to honor your now-permanent nickname (which will likely replace “Truncation-of-your-name!” from here on out when you walk in the joint.)
  • You would never get yourself into this pickle in the first place because you have a sphincter-of-steel.
  • Acknowledge your humanness, indeed everyone’s humanness (Kumbaya, anyone?) and march out of there like Carrie Bradshaw the time she fell on the catwalk during the fashion show. Ask for a plunger while holding your head high (and your pants-legs up).

As for our hypothetical heroine? She may (or may not) have attempted to pull off the Carrie Bradshaw scene.

She also may (or may not) be doing more and more Kegel exercises these days.

Lori Holden, mom of a young adult daughter and a young adult son, writes from Denver. She was honored as an Angel in Adoption® by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption Institute.

Find Lori’s books on her Amazon Author page, and catch episodes of Adoption: The Long View wherever you get your podcasts.

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11 Responses

  1. I’m think I would have turned off the water to the toilet. Most public toilets have a knob (usually on the lower wall behind the toilet) that shuts off the water to the toilet. Failing that…pretend like it wasn’t you and then never go back there. “root lock!” HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

  2. Do Kegels help your ass? I thought they were only for vaginal muscles. Though, Kegel away, my dearest.

  3. Battygadget. I like it. Let me know how the kegels work. Although with IBS so far nothing has worked very well for me.

  4. “Root lock!” ??? HAHAHA! Oh. Mygosh. I’m just glad it was a hypothetical heroine and not me. Still, I think every one of the above suggestions has merit…

  5. I think a ‘just the facts’ approach might be the best.“There’s a problem with the bathroom.”Nothing more needs to be said.It just requires keeping composure and a straight face for a few moments as you go and pick up your laptop and RUN.Imagining what a hidden videocamera might have captured; imagining what the soundtrack would be…BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHa

  6. Here from the future via Time Warp Tuesday! I love this:

    “…our hypothetical heroine was faced with these 10 options pointed out by you, my chicken-sh*t problem-solving readers!” 🙂

    I also echo those who wondered if kegels have anything to do w/ be able to hold #2, as I too thought they only helped w/ #1. 😉

    Thanks again for lots of good laughs today! Going back to the future now.

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