Dear Abby Misses the Mark on Adoption Question

Dear Needs Help in Indiana,

It must feel like walking on eggshells for an adoptee to live in an Either/Or world. If you even think about your birth mom, some will judge you as disloyal to the woman who is raising you.  Because, y’know, there is room for only one set of “real” parents in Either/Or world.  About the anger you’re feeling toward your birth mom, you’re told — by Dear Abby, no less — to wait until you’re older to search for her, and in the meantime to just get over it (which is not all that helpful unless the advice also includes how to do so).

dear abby

I wish for you and my own similarly-aged daughter to instead grow up in a Both/And world. In this world, we don’t need to negate one mother in order to legitimize the other. In this world we acknowledge that both biology and biography have value in making a person who she is. In this world we encourage our kids to claim and be claimed by both their clans. In this world we strive to give our teen access to all her pieces (even if that means just wondering and talking about those missing pieces) as she does the hard work of building her identity.

It’s my belief that allowing for healing that split will, in itself, ameliorate some of the intense emotions you’re feeling.

I’m sorry that you are struggling and feeling angry. I wonder if being able to talk openly about your anger would ultimately help you release it. You are wise to see that unresolved anger can spill over into your relationships with friends and family members. Instead of stuffing down your feelings until some later date when you search for your birth mother, my advice would be to enlist your parents’ help* now to find an adoption-competent therapist.  To start your search for one, check with  Brooke, Judy, or Sherrie, all in Indiana.

Bring this book to your first therapy appointment and ask your counselor to read it, if s/he hasn’t already.

Come to think of it, maybe I should send a copy of Adoption Therapy to Dear Abby.

Being 13 is hard. Being 13 and having complex feelings about adoption and no one to process with is super hard. Please. Find someone to talk with you about it. There are people who know this path and can help you along your way.

Best wishes,
Lori in Colorado

* If you think they might not be open-hearted about this, ask them to read this book first.

Image by Benmckune at en.wikipedia [Public domain], from Wikimedia Commons

Crazy 8

Hi.       I’m this blog.      I’m 8 years old today.     Here is my life story so far.

8th blogoversary

I was born a poor, blogspot template and I was originally known as WeeblesWobblog. My midwives hailed from the ALI community (Adoption / Loss/ Infertility), prompting my birth and nourishing me in my early days (and now).

Within a couple of years, I grew bigger and caught the attention of a certain toy company. It sent my creator a cease and desist order which led to a name change for me. My person had already chosen her Appellation Trail name,  Lavender Luz, which ultimately became my name, too, through a second and final name change.

Over the years I got to go to some conferences that were set up just for blogs like me, and my person got to know the people behind so many other fantastic blogs. We all had a grand old time figuring out how to grow and morph and monetize (or not) and connect, and most of all, to own and enjoy our space.

When I was almost 5, I found out I was going to have a younger sibling. Not a brother, not a sister, not even another blog, but a book!

Lori Holden's book on open adoptionMy sibling.

My person has dabbled in other sorts of blogginess — product reviews, writing occasionally for a big time site, writing a regular column locally, and even reading one of my entries in front of a live audience.

8th blog birthday

But she’ll always consider me the heart of her bloggy life.

Yes, this is all very self-indulgent. But what did you expect? I’m EIGHT.   And I’m a BLOG.

Happy Blogoversary to Me

birthday cupcake

So stick with me one more step. I’m asking you for a present. Please indulge me just one bit more and tell me as you munch on a virtual cupcake,

What brings you here?

~~~~~

This post is part of #Microblog Mondays. What’s that? A post that is not too long. Head over to Stirrup Queens to join the fun.

Images courtesy Stuart Miles and digitalart at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Open adoption parenting & mindful living