Looking Back at 2008
Eighteen years ago when my daughter was 7, I pondered the math around allowing—even encouraging—her to spend time with her first mom. Would adding Crystal to Tessa subtract from me?
The phrase that came to me at the time was “returning to the well,” by which I mean to return to the source of something valued.
Following are my early thoughts about the question everyone kept asking me: Isn’t it weird to have her birth mom in the picture?
An Opportunity
My friend Crystal offered to have my children come play at her house for a few hours. Roger had been out of town, and some alone time sounded tantalizingly good. Responsible child watcher and a few hours precious free time? It should have been a no brainer, but I had to stop to think a moment.
Crystal is Tessa’s first mom.
This should feel weird. Other people would find it weird. But I am definitely not sensing weird.
Since day one of our relationship, we’ve embraced Crystal as part of our extended family. At first this was merely because we’d planned a fully open adoption. But by about, oh, day two, it was clear that we’d be friends because we also liked each other.
Since those early days, Crystal has attended birthday parties for both our children, as well as school events and dance recitals. Until now, I’d always been part of the get-togethers.
Checklist for Weird
Was missing something? SHOULD it feel weird? Can everybody sense the weird but me? I began to check some mental boxes.
- Was I worried that I’d be usurped as Mom? (No.)
- Could Crystal handle both my children, in addition to her own? (Yes.)
- Might my son feel left out? (No. Crystal has always shown her love for Reed. In a way, she’s served as a spare birth mother for him since contact with his own has faded. And Reed adores Crystal’s 11-year-old son and 6-year-old stepson.)
.
Resolved to not feeling weird, I drove the kids to Crystal’s house. I told Tessa and Reed to behave, reminded Crystal that she could call me no matter what, and left, giddy at the open hours ahead of me.
Quality Time
When I returned hours later, Crystal had trimmed and styled Tessa’s hair (Crystal’s line of work) and given her a pair of utterly fabulous hand-me-down purple boots with spiky heels. I told them how I spent my blissful hours of solitude (reading and writing), and they told me how they spent their loud hours of togetherness (running through the garden hose and eating). We were all fulfilled.
Now, let me expand a bit on my relationship with Tessa. She and I currently butt heads over everything from too-long showers to homework, from talking on the phone to doing her chores. I’m hoping that we will not revisit this tension during her teen years, because we’ll have already been-there, done-that (please, don’t burst my bubble). We seem to “miss” each other often, and I am reminded of this post about an adoptee’s feelings of being trans-familied. I am frustrated with our disconnect, and I imagine Tessa is, too.
"I'm a New Person!"
When we got home, Tessa said, “Mom, I’m a new person!” I’m not sure if she meant the new hairstyle, the baptism-by-sprinkler, or what. But for days afterward, the fight in her was gone. Her time with Crystal seemed to have provided benefits for us all.
That week, Tessa wanted to wear the purple boots to kindergarten. I said, “Those shoes are not appropriate for school. Consider the consequences.” I expected her to wear them to school, which would mean I’d have to take them away as the logical consequence (items that cause disharmony go away).*
But Tessa came to breakfast, smiling and cheerful, wearing her sneakers. Wanting to deliver a “yes” because she had tolerated a “no,” I brought the boots when I picked her up from school so she could wear them to the dentist’s office.
* I no longer use separation-based discipline. A few years after the post was originally published, I began to parent with a focus on attachment rather than on behavior. My guides are:
- The Baffling Behaviors Show by Robyn Gobbel
- Finding You, an Evoke Therapy Programs podcast by Dr Brad Reedy
- Trust-Based Relational Intervention by Dr Karyn Purvis
- Sara Easterly’s section of Adoption Unfiltered, which is titled Adoptees Unfiltered
I Don't Meet All Her Needs. And That's OK.
Our temperaments don’t always align. Tessa is mercurial and playful—traits she shares with her birth mom. I’m orderly and analytical. Maybe spending time with Crystal is, for Tessa, like sinking into a comfortable chair. The afternoon when I got some Me Time and Crystal and Tessa had some We Time, it’s as if Tessa had been to the well.
Should I feel hurt or threatened by Crystal’s effect on Tessa? Here’s why I don’t:
I can’t fix a tooth, but I can take Tessa to Dr. Carpenter. I don’t like to play house for hours at a time, but I can invite Tessa’s friends for a visit. I can’t teach Tessa gymnastics, but I can sign her up for classes with Miss Amber.
I can’t fill a deep emotional need that Tessa has. But I can take her to the well.
Update 2026
Much has unfolded since then and many truths revealed, including this one: there is no zero-sum in Adoptee Math. Adding is adding. When I add to the humans I parent, I add to me.
I decided when my children were young that my role was to be a relationship channel protector. In the intervening years, my daughter has been able to form her own guidelines regarding her relationships with her birth family members over the years.
I’m deeply saddened to report that Crystal is no longer available to those who love her. Options and conversations that were once possible no longer are.
The rest is my daughter’s story to tell—and create—her way. It always has been. Our job as adoptive parents over the years is to not get in our adoptees’ way with our own unhealed wounds.
When we can do this, we know that a return to the well can be the opposite of weird. It can be a refreshing renewal for everyone involved.
30 Responses
That is just amazing. What a lovely story of a non-traditional family situation. I think it is great that you have this relationship with Tessa’s first mom and you don’t feel threatened by it.
Yeah, what Kami said!Seriously, I think it is so wonderful that you have this enlightened attitude. Its clear that Tessa comes first — which makes you a great mom.
I guess it would be naive to suggest that I have no idea why that would seem weird, but honestly? I don’t think it’s weird at all. You needed a breather, a responsible adult offered you the opportunity and it sounds like they had a great time. I have to say that your not being threatened is pretty admirable – I’m not sure that given the same circumstances I would not have felt threatened – but you don’t and that’s good!The way I see it, Crystal was responsible enough to recognize that she couldn’t take care of a child full time and if someone has the ability and strength to do that then they are beyond trustworthy. Good for you!
I agree.. At first I was thinking “wow… she is brave to let her little one go over there and hang out with her first mom”.. but now it makes sense to me. There is something that she fills in Tessa that Tessa needs and it is great that you are able to let that happen. It makes you all stronger and more connected. You are a better woman and mom for letting it happen. I hope I would have the strength to do the same!
I love, love, love that last thought–there are things that we aren’t shy admitting are outside our ken (or are in the moment) and we go to others for that. And this is just one more person who helps Tessa to be the best Tessa she can be.
I admit that I – at first – thought it was weird. But by the end, knowing that you were just tapping resources that were right for you and for Tessa, I think it’s beautiful.
Thank you for this great post. It is fantastic that you have such a great relationship to Tessa’s first mother.
I think it is awesome that you have that kind of relationship with Tessa’s firstmom.
I’m so happy that all of you get to benefit from this great relationship!!!
I completely understand Tessa’s disconnect, even if she doesn’t. I always come back feeling ‘better’ after I get to spend time with my mom, dad and sisters. Maybe adults go through the same thing as children just on a different level. I loved the post.
Kami, Amy, Steph and Aranne — thanks for saying so. I rarely feel enlightened or amazing or brave. More like self-preserving. But the words are nice to hear :-).
Mel — you put that so well.
Beth — thanks for saying so (that you thought it weird at first). I bet many people do.
Yoka and Mrs Spock — I am so lucky that Crystal is the person she is. So we can be in the relationships we have.
Andy and Tammy — I especially value the viewpoints you bring. It gives me hope that even though my way is unconventional, it may be working well for my kids.
I Love you so much Lori, everyone is right about how amazing you are. Tessa is the best, it’s like she needed some big sister time. I am so glad that we have this relationship, it is very healthy for us. I also think you should right a book…….haha!!!!
Love you both endlessly,
Crystal (Firstmom)
Crystal!!
Hmmmm on the book. I might need some help ;-).
I love you, too.
I so admire the self-confidence and keen awareness you possess as a mom. Amazing. I admit I would have been beside myself if someone painted my 7-year-old’s nails (but maybe I am just old fashioned about what is cool for the age 7 set and have a lot to learn!).Sounds like both you and Tessa got the break you both needed to re-energize.
Lori, you are one amazing person and mom. I love this! And what a great outcome to further prove that it isn’t weird. And therefore it won’t ever be weird for her. And I can only imagine how Crystal’s day and days have been since then. Not only did Tessa visit the well it sounds like, in your own ways, you and Crystal did a little visiting of your own. I think with what you are doing you are helping the disconnect be a little bit smaller. No matter what remember Tessa crawled into your lap while you were chatting and those little things also show the connection not the disconnection.Loved the post!
You are just so freakin amazing. Seriously. That you do this and that you’re just appreciative of it. It’s awesome.
well-written and well said. sometimes we all just need to be away to float in some new energy. she needed it and so did you! i love your writing style lori and hope to encourage you to take this to a new level and write a book!see you tomorrow!mb
It’s redundant to say so now, but I really, really do think you are amazing. I’m sure you have your moments of doubt, but you always seem so centered, so <>healthy.<> I aspire to be like you. Hell, to even <>pretend<> to be like you. It’s interesting that you feel you are having this tension with Tessa because your personalities are different, while one of my best friends also butts heads with her 7-year-old over everything. Ev-er-y-thing! I asked her about it one time and she sighed, and said, “[Furrow], she’s just like me. It drives me crazy.” So there you go. Maybe you just can’t win with 7-year-olds.
I am so very impressed and amazed. Tessa is very lucky to have you as a mom.
It’s been said already but I agree with “amazing” and “should write a book.”I hope that when my turn comes that I can open my heart as wide as you have opened yours.Clearly all involved are better for it.
I think that it’s lovely that you have such a good situation. It sounds like it works wonderfully for all of you,J
Wow! Tessa’s so lucky to have two amazing women caring for her and helping her find her way.Thanks for sharing this, Lori.
I have always been in awe of families who are able to maintain an open adoption.The description of going back to “the well” is such an apt one. I think we all need to ‘touch base” now and then; just to feel renewed again.Any child would be blessed to have as many loving and caring people in their life as your Tessa!Thank you for sharing this insight with us.
What a blessing to have this kind of relationship with Tessa’s firstmom. I am just beginning to look at adoption as a real possibility and at first open adoption sounded so scary. But the more I read, the more I know that is what I want. Thank you for sharing about it 🙂
I adore this post. The insight it gives into how a child benefits from relationships with firstmoms is amazing. It makes me nervous that I can’t provide this easily for my daughter (adopted internationally) and determined to find a way to fill these needs. Thank you for sharing.
Amazing. I have told my husband that sometimes I feel like my daughter’s mom is missing – I can’t say firstmom, because I <>am<> the firstmom and I can’t say biomom because I’m that too… it’s really hard for me to feel so out-of-sync with her. I just have such a strong feeling that the right mother could give her what she needs better than I can…
Wow Lori.And Crystal if you read this.I think I know from my own loving family and from my marriage that there is no-one person that can meet all my emotional needs. How lucky for any kid to broaden the base of people who love and care for them. Tessa is a lucky little lady. It sounds like you have something beautiful working.love Barb
What a wonderful blessing to have Tessa’s firstmom in your life, both for her and for your family. It is so great to read this post.
Thank you so much for sharing this thoughtful piece on the #adoptiontalk link-up today!
Absolutely loved reading this. My two children just returned home from a week with their first mom, and I cannot tell you how many people asked me ” is that weird?” Or told me that ” they could never do it”. For me, I think there is nowhere they could be safer or more loved than with their first mom ! So refreshing to hear of another family like ours!