I haven’t had reason to think much about adoption and college applications — yet — but an article in AdoptionToday magazine by college consultant and adoptive mother Debbie Schwartz made me think a little bit ahead.
Evan struggled as he decided how to respond to the section regarding ethnicity and race. For those students who joined their families through adoption, like Evan, these questions often reveal deeper questions about identity that can be difficult for students and families to process. [pdf]
Continue reading Adoption and the College Application Process
Elijah Thomas, who just turned 24, was determined to find his birth father. In a sort of reverse Gotcha, he shares with us the story of his adoption reunion.
Adoption is Never Totally Closed in Our Hearts.
First off, I am no adoption expert.
I don’t recommend what I did for everyone.
Continue reading “Nobody Should Ever Feel Like They’re a Mistake”
With St Patrick’s Day upon us, I know this weekend is about all things Irish, but I want to share a Chinese proverb.
Once there was a poor farmer. He was able to grow just enough to feed his family. One day his horse ran away.
“BAD LUCK!” the neighbors cried. “Now you won’t be able to work the fields.”
The farmer shrugged. “Good luck, bad luck — who knows?”
Continue reading Good Luck, Bad Luck, Who Knows?
Gayle Swift here, guesting in Lori’s space. She wasn’t ready to take on another adoption expert so soon after the last one, but seeing as how I have strong feelings about Gotcha, as well as ideas on a more attuned approach, I am happy to step in with my own advice.
Dear Abby: Three Reasons to Rethink Gotcha
Abby, you recently responded to a letter from an adoptive parent who wanted to share how she informed her child about his being adopted. Her solution was to celebrate his “Gotcha Day,” the day he joined their family. By making it a party day she hoped to take the sting out of telling him he was adopted (how and when to tell are a whole ‘nother issue).
While the intent of this unfortunate term is positive, the reality is a bit off the mark. It is good that Mom wants to strengthen her relationship with her child and tell him the truth, and you affirmed her celebration of this significant day. But please consider why “Gotcha Day” needs further evaluation.
- First, “Gotcha” focuses on the parental experience instead of the child’s.
- Second, it objectifies the child, like a prized toy that was finally acquired.
- Third, “Gotcha” is often a term used to indicate victory or advantage over another person. Adoption is a life-altering experience for a child. “Gotcha” frames it in negative or depersonalizing language. This is not the best foundation for building a family; it almost certainly was not what this mom intended.
Alternatives to Gotcha
An adjustment in language can help. Some more suitable titles are: Arrival Day, Homecoming, Family Day, Johnny’s Day. They are all better choices because they affirm relationships and center on the child’s experience. Remember there are two sides to his special day: the happy part about joining a permanent, loving family, and the sad part, losing the family to which he was born. Be prepared for your child to feel mixed emotions. His attitude toward this day may evolve over time as he comes to understand how adoption delivered losses along with gains.
Continue reading Dear Abby, We Need to Talk About Gotcha!