Before You Know It
The moment you become a parent, time seems to stop and you can’t see beyond the sweet baby or toddler you have before you, looking up at you with those big eyes that say you are everything. Those days of full dependence on you feel like they may go on forever – in all the ways that bring feelings of both tenderness and exhaustion.
But this podcast is called The Long View. We know that those days give way to the next days, and the next and the next. Days become months and months become years. And before you know it, you’ve got a young adult looking you eye-to-eye as they step out into the world.
Adoptee-Orienting for the Long Haul
What might this look like in a long-enduring open adoption? How do birth parents and adoptive parents stay steadfast for the adoptee they both love, through thick and thin and across decades? The adoptee is going through their obvious developmental stages that take them from fully dependent to independent. And at the same time, each parent is advancing along their life, through less distinctly obvious adult stages. Each is navigating the challenges of adulthood and parenthood, continuing to grow and gain abilities, clarity, and wisdom about boundaries between themselves and others.
Here with us today are two women who entered into what became a long-enduring open adoption nearly 22 years ago when Katie Cowles placed her daughter into the arms of Amber Wooten. Neither of them knew all that was to come. Neither had completely worked out how to navigate their own big emotions, let alone each others’, and eventually those of the daughter they both loved and claimed.
But step by step, day by day, they worked at it. They loved tenaciously. They endured hard things, never quitting on themselves, each other, or their daughter.
Katie and Amber are here with us in episode 504 to reflect on all that. I know you’ll want to hear what they have to say.
About Katie Cowles, Birth Mom in Longtime Open Adopton
Katie Cowles is many people—leader, a baker, an auntie, a dreamer—but what brings her to this podcast is that she is birth mom to the beautiful 21 year old, Ellie. Along with our second guest, Katie has been navigating the ups and downs of open adoption since 2002. During this time, this complicated and bittersweet duo have become the dearest of friends.
Katie is a director of product at a payroll company in Richmond, VA.. About 5 years ago she fell in love with her new-found hobby of baking. This avenue for her creativity resulted in the amazingly delicious Katie Bakes RVA, of which I have had the good fortune of partaking.
Katie is passionate about family (she has lots of nieces and nephews who make her life full), therapy (because we all need it!), and living in that balance of the day to day of laundry and grocery shopping…and dreaming of opening a bed and breakfast in Italy.
About Amber Wooten, Adoptive Mom in Longtime Open Adoption
Amber Wooten and her husband Chris are parents to three lovely daughters, all who came to their family through open adoptions. They are currently aged 21 (Katie’s daughter), 19, and 16. Amber continues to enjoy and navigate relationships with all of her daughters’ birth mothers and birth fathers with varying degrees of contact.
Amber loves being able to stay home to raise her girls. Now that they are older and active on their own, she has found a new passion for tennis. She is very involved with her church, which keeps her busy planning events and parties and retreats. Amber loves to read and travel and very much enjoys time with family.
Ep 504 about Two Moms in Open Adoption
In ep504, Katie and Amber share about the evolution of their relationship, from the early beginnings, through all the stages, until now, Eliie, with their daughter grown and crafting her own life.
I ask about the hard times between mothers and between mothers and daughters. What are some of the guiding principles for these times?
What about setting and navigating each others’ boundaries? Katie and Amber address that.
I explain why I chose not to invite Ellie to be part of this interview. (Hint: it has to do with when an adoptee can give their actual (not just legal) informed consent to speak on their adoptedness in light of the inherent power dynamics within a parent-child relationship. It may take beyond our concept of legal adult age. Hat tip to Sara Easterly for this thought.)
Of course, there are many BothAnd moments. The fact that both Katie and Amber refer to these confirms yet again that this concept is a crucial one.
Lastly, Katie and Amber offer their takeaways for those who are striving for enduring, adoptee-oriented, resilient open adoptions over the long haul of parenting.
Show Notes: Katie & Amber on What a Healthy Open Adoption Requires
Instagram: Katie Bakes RVA
- Open Adoption 101 Series
- Ep 101 Adoptive mom Leah Campbell on sharing power in our adoptions.
- Ep 502 Adoptees Lauren Fishbein and Glenna Boggs on making space for adoptees to feel their emotions
- Episode 504 transcript
How to Tune In Regularly
You can find Adoption: The Long View on Adopting.com and on these other platforms.
- Spotify
- Apple Podcasts
- Amazon Podcasts
- Castbox
- Search for “Adoption Long View” on your preferred podcast platform.
A new episode comes out the first Friday of the month. Thank you for sharing, subscribing, and rating this episode wherever you listen!
