For every person we met at Michael’s funeral, my son’s father David always introduced me as Michael’s mom. It was really the first time I felt like I was his mom.
And it’s bittersweet because it was also too late.
— Candace Cahill, birth mom, in Ep 204 of Adoption: The Long View
Candace Cahill placed her infant son in 1990. The adoption was semi-open adoption for awhile, but closed when Michael was 8. Shortly after he turned 18, he reached out to her. After navigating the complexities of reunion for 5 years and only a single face-to-face meeting, Michael died in his sleep of natural causes at age 23.
Shocked and devastated to lose him a second time, Candace attended the funeral, where she encountered unexpected compassion from Michael’s family. They proudly introduced her as Michael’s birth mother, which contradicted years of self-sabotaging internal messages. Their acceptance, along with her husband’s encouragement, launched Candace on her path to healing.
Candace is an artist –- silversmith, musician, storyteller, and writer who lives in Denali, Alaska.
Episode 204 of Adoption: The Long View will help you understand mothering in surprising ways, and you won’t want to miss it.
Candace Cahill’s Perspectives as a Birth Mom
Listen in as we talk about:
- Why she chose the parents she chose when planning her son’s adoption;
- Her way of dealing with a sense of powerlessness and despair when yearly letters and pictures stopped arriving;
- The backstory to why there were so many silent years;
- Her son’s death after their one-and-only meeting;
- As well as the surprise source of her healing at her son’s funeral;
- Which of the two kinds of gatekeepers her son’s father was; and
- Candace’s best advice for adopting well and for adoptive-parenting well.
Show Notes from Episode 204 with Candace Cahill
Candace has written a memoir about her experience, and I’ve had the absolute pleasure of reading an advance copy. Goodbye Again, A Memoir reveals how child loss, no matter how suffered, is a universal pain. While she believes there can be beauty in adoption, we must first acknowledge that it begins with the trauma of severing a child from their mother.
- Website: candacecahill.com (memoir)
- Website: thomascahilldesigns.com/about (jewelry, silversmithing)
- Facebook: Candace Cahill
- Instagram: candace_cahill_
- Twitter: @candace_cahill_
- Mentioned: Episode 108 with Rebecca Vahle, “Do your work people!”
Prefer to read? Here’s a transcript (but listening is so much better!).
How to Tune In Regularly
You can find us on Adopting.com, and on these and other platforms.
- Spotify
- Apple Podcasts
- Amazon Podcasts
- Castbox
- Search for “Adoption Long View” on your preferred podcast platform.
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