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playlist for big emotions

Songs to Access Big Emotions & Facilitate Healing (part 7)

More songs in my emotional playground

The book club discussion guide for the book Adoption Unfiltered includes playlists for accessing emotions from co-authors Sara Easterly, Kelsey Vander Vliet Ranyard, and me. In this 7-part series that concludes with this post, I have taken you on a tour of the 22 songs on my playlist.

Here is the seventh and last batch of songs that help me feel the deep feels.

The Story by Brandi Carlile

the left half of a woman's face is older and the right side is younger.

The Story was one of the early hits of Brandi Carlile and her band. It brings me to lamenting the loss of my youth, my looks, and the relevance I perceive I have now that I am no longer young. 

You see the smile that’s on my mouth
It’s hiding the words that don’t come out
And all of my friends who think that I’m blessed
They don’t know my head is a mess
No, they don’t know who I really am
And they don’t know what I’ve been through like you do
And I was made for you

The lines on my face are because I have lived. Because I have loved. Because I have lost.

I’m only now beginning to understand that I was made for me. The eternal version of me.

Jesus, Etc by Wilco

sheet music with chords against a Chicago skyline with two tall buildingsThis song is not religious, though its title might make it seem so. You may think that Jeff Tweedy is trying to soothe Jesus in the opening line, but it’s soon revealed to be a plea to a co-mortal:

Jesus, don’t cry
You can rely on me, honey
You can combine anything you want

Wilco broke up with its record label after finishing the album Yankee Hotel Foxtrot in early 2001. The band then streamed the entire album for free through its website  on September 18, 2001. Wilco’s new record label would officially release it the following spring.

The date of streaming is important. That was a week after 9/11, when the entire country was in shock about the unimaginable scale of horrific death and destruction that shook our world. Wilco’s lyrics were eerily prescient:

Tall building shake
Voices escape, singing sad, sad songs
Tuned to chords
Strung down your cheeks
Bitter melodies turning your orbit around

Even the album cover was prescient.

Jesus, Etc—the entire album, really—helps me tap into deep despair, sadness, loss of innocence. Things would never be the same.

Wise Up Aimee Mann

a driver's hand at the wheel. There is a cigarette in that hand and a red solo cup in the other

When the film Magnolia came out, it was a given I would buy the CD of the soundtrack. We’ve already established that I am a fan of Aimee Mann and her previous band, ‘Til Tuesday

Wise Up is featured in a scene that is achingly brilliant in its visual and auditory composition. Characters whose stories at first seemed distinct gradually intertwine, culminating in a moving montage. Singing with Aimee Mann are the likes of Philip Seymore Hoffman, Jason Robards, John C Reilly, William H Macy, Tom Cruise, and Melora Walters, each with their own coping mechanism—alcohol or drug use, holding a grudge, heightened people pleasing.

You’re sure
There’s a cure
And you have finally found it
You think
One drink
Will shrink you ’til you’re underground
And living down

It’s easy for me to look at those characters and think, “Why do you keep doing this to yourself? Your coping strategy isn’t working—it’s become a whole other problem!” 

And then I remember that I suffer from the same thing they do. Thinking that I can avoid grief and loss through my own various ways of distracting and coping.

No, it’s not going to stop
‘Til you wise up
No, it’s not going to stop
So just, give up

That last line confirms it. This is yet another surrender song.

Beautiful Boy John Lennon

a ghostly and beautiful 5 year old boy looking piercingly at youMy playlist starts with Dominic and it ends with Dominic.

Until July 28, 2022, I considered Beautiful Boy a happy song. It’s John Lennon delighting in his young son Sean (yet it always made me wonder how the song landed for his other son, Julian Lennon.

Before you go to sleep
Say a little prayer
Every day, in every way
It’s getting better and better
Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful
Beautiful boy
Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful
Beautiful boy

The sudden and tragic-to-infinity loss of Dominic at age 17 changed everything in the lives of my family, including the flavor of this song. I played it continuously in the hours, days, and weeks after Dominic’s death. Now, instead of celebrating the delight John Lennon was basking in, it was mourning all that my family had lost.

(Speaking of loss, Beautiful Boy was released less than a month before the Sean lost his father to murder. He was 5.)

In the latter months of 2022 I would sit at my desk listening to Beautiful Boy on repeat and sob. I would listen on Spotify while walking the dog and give my tears to the wind and the earth. I would lay in bed at night while Alexa played it on repeat until my pillow was soaked. Disbelief. Anger. Sadness. Sorrow. More disbelief. Grief. Rage. More sorrow.

The part that guts me comes in the final seconds. John Lennon whispers an offering to his son at the end of his lullaby.

Darling darling darling
Darling Sean

Which, of course, I hear as 

Darling darling darling
Darling Dom

That seems to be a fitting way to close a series about evoking emotions.

Do you have a song that evokes emotions for you? I’d love to hear what you find gut-wrenching or heartwarming, or anything in between.

What song helps you feel the deep feels?

More Songs that Soothe

Watch this space for the backstories behind a new batch of songs that are meaningful to me. Links will be filled in as each post is published.

Lori Holden, mom of a young adult daughter and a young adult son, writes from Denver. She was honored as an Angel in Adoption® by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption Institute.

Find Lori’s books on her Amazon Author page, and catch episodes of Adoption: The Long View wherever you get your podcasts.

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